Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Defying Gravity

I am currently obsessing with Wicked. I have read the book and it had a pretty sad story but this did not stop me from checking out the musical on YouTube. Learned that the story was totally overhauled and the musical has a lighter story and it has a happy ending! I soh want to watch the musical! I love the songs! I love the lyrics! I found out that it was Stephen Schwarz wrote the lyrics, the guy behind the lyrics of Pocahontas and I just love the songs of Pocahontas!

My current favorite is Defying Gravity. i love it because it just empowers me. Something that I need right now. I just feel myself rejuvenated with positive energy after listening to it. It makes me feel like I can really soar the limitless sky and really explore. I love that Elphaba is such a strong character, unafraid to be alone. Once upon a time, I had that strong a spirit and I hope to get that back. In the meantime, I am going to listen to Elphaba sing about how things are unlimited and hopefully, her independence and free spirit will rub off on me.

(spoken) I know:
(sung) But I don't want it -
No - I can't want it

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

Can't I make you understand?
You're having delusions of grandeur:

I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down:
(spoken) Glinda - come with me. Think of what we could
do: together.

(sung) Unlimited
Together we're unlimited
Together we'll be the greatest team
There's ever been
Glinda -
Dreams, the way we planned 'em

If we work in tandem:

There's no fight we cannot win
Just you and I
Defying gravity
With you and I
Defying gravity

They'll never bring us down!
(spoken) Well? Are you coming?

I hope you're happy
Now that you're choosing this

(spoken) You too
(sung) I hope it brings you bliss

I really hope you get it
And you don't live to regret it
I hope you're happy in the end
I hope you're happy, my friend:

ELPHABA So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

I hope you're happy!

Look at her, she's wicked!
Get her!

:Bring me down!

No one mourns the wicked
So we've got to bring her



Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Bag Reveal

The bag that my Dad gave me last September. Mine is larger

than the one in the pic though because he gave the Gucci Web Large Tote. The one in the photo is a medium.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


These are Pests who text (i.e., candidates who are campaigning and ruining others' reputation via text). I do not care about what you have to say. Spare me the negative vibes.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday, December 28, 2009

iTouch Blog


Finally an app that works with my blog! Now lazy me can just blog away on my iTouch!!! *woot* I think this is one of the best apps there is... nifty!!! Of course That is a biased opinion so do not listen to me. Allow me to apologize in advance for typos, I have stubby fingers :).

I accompanied my sister to Greenhills after meeting up with cousin and niece at SM North who are staying in Novaliches. Found out iTouch 3rd Gen is 1,700 Php more than my 2nd Gen! I shoild have waited for that but then again am having a blast with my current iTouch already, who needs the camera... I do. I can be such a cam w@$&3 sometimes... Photobooth on my MacbookPro should be enough thwaps self! But there are a lot of apps that are available on the net... OMG Gollum moment... Pardon. *sheepish grin*

Last night I felt sad. I mean really sad like depressed sad it was really not good. Thank goodness today is a better day and am no longer sad. I am waiting for better days, for when the sun will shine brightly again, for when my rainbow will appear again. Gloom has been around for such a long time already. I think I am ready for the new day the rainbow promises.

On the brighter side of things, my paper got accepted at a conference and so I will be leaving early next year *woot!*. I really do

need this! I need time away from many things. I will be submitting another paper to a local conference too so I guess there are trips in the early onset of 2010. I am liking 2010 already :).

Thank You Lord!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


I just finished watching Serendipity and I did not like how it was presented. I did not like the parts that seemed utterly useless... I did not get why the director decided to always show the traffic or why there were a lot of things that were shot in fast forward. It just did not make much sense to me.

However, I liked the story. While it may sound far fetched, sometimes life is hard to explain like the movie.

Life is complicated like that and sometimes we just have to trust where our feet take us.

Just Another Day

I like it that we no longer have to give out grades on course cards. It saves me time and voice. It also makes it less stressful for me as I need not see all the students all at once. I just have to deal with those who really need me to answer their questions about their grades.

This morning a student of mine was asking me to give him a .325 since it was Christmas and all. I hate being asked to play god because I am not a god. I do not know where I can get the score from. .325 is a whole lot of points and my students had to work for that. I told him this and it was just not sinking in. I do not give them grades, I merely compute their grades. I was glad that most students embraced this and understood this.

Upon checking my records I found out that this kid consistently had low scores in his written exams. I checked his written exam scores and I noticed that he has difficulty writing programs. This is the objective of the course and based on the written assessment he was unable to complete this objective. The wise voice told me to allow him to program something. I asked him to program Bubble Sort, something I discussed in class and it also appeared on their finals.

He was not able to do it.

After this, he accepted his grade wholeheartedly.

I thank that voice that told me to have him program because it saved me from emotional anguish and I think it helped the kid accept his grade too.

Monday, December 21, 2009


Today I was asked... yet again... to become a nun! *haha*

The Sisters at MACE were asking me if I wanted to become one of them. Now some of my colleagues are prodding me to become one. *haha* Life is a very unpredictable ride... Who knows? For now, I do not think I am being called for that. :)

It was fun giving away gifts at MACE. The kids had fun but we had more fun. Somehow the Lord always outdoes us. It's amazing.

Thank You Lord for the opportunity to be able to help out and to make kids smile.

Next year I hope even more people will join us at MACE. :)

Friday, December 18, 2009


What makes an individual act against what one really wants. As in deep down inside it is what you want and yet you act against it? Is it a Messianic complex thinking that if this person displeases oneself, it will be for the greater good? I am trying to dissect this phenomenon because it has happened to me and you see... at the end of the day, it did no one, as in no one any good.

I wonder if this happens to other people too... It is frustrating, infuriating and mind-boggling for after all, was it not Freud who said we never act by virtue of altruism? It is always for reasons of self-preservation. I think I have witnessed this many times in my life to be able to really say that yes, I find this very true.

So, I wonder, what was it that pushed me to do what deep inside I knew I did not want? Is it a history of not getting what I want and still getting by? Is it pure sheer misconceived notion of convenience? Is it a history of being a doormat? Is it because I was just not thinking or was it a case of overdoing thinking? I have been asking myself these questions for a while now because really, this has changed the course of my life forever and I cannot even, for the life of me, figure out the answer to this very simple question.


Thursday, December 17, 2009

Another Desperate Moment

I am crying like a crazy woman over a Desperate Housewives episode... again!!! *haha* *sob sob*

There is this episode where Lynette was judged because she was emasculating Tom her husband. She was telling Tom how upset she was that she was said to be "cracking his walnuts" *hehe!*. Tom said, "Don't mind them, we both know we are fine.". Later, Tom went to the porch of the old man who judged Lynette and he said, "What you do not know about Lynette is that she grew up without her dad and her mom was an alcoholic. She was the one in charge and in control. Because of this she has the need to be always in control because she is afraid things would fall apart. She cannot control everything but she can control me if I let her. So I let her because that makes her feel safe. Lynette is my job. I need to make her feel safe. ".


I love the writers of Desperate Housewives, the just know how to make my tears fall.


Now, I have to get to work well... not really... I have to get to a party in a few minutes so I better get dressed. Another episode might be another hour of my time and I cannot afford that right now.

Yesterday, I was at one of the branches of Shiseido and accidentally *duh!* left my M&S paper bag there that had the gift for our dear secretary. I was really not sure if I left it there but when I got home I rang them and they really do have it. I am going to claim the gift tonight and thank that woman behind the counter. She is soh nice for telling me the package is there. I love their service. Note to self... will buy all Shiseido stuff from there... I might get my mom sunblock from there too.

Now my head hurts from crying...


Eureka Moment

While strolling in a mall half-awake yesterday with my sister, I had a eureka moment. I realized that I never like where I am. I am always worrying about tomorrow that I do not get to enjoy the moment. When I was single, I wanted to be in a relationship. Eventually, I was able to fix this when I became an active member of the Singles Apostolate and Center for Arts Foundation and many other organizations. Those times were the best times of my single life. Really. I am glad I went through that phase. Best of times!

When I was in a relationship, I wanted to get married. With all the books that I have read about being single and about getting married, you would think I already understand what I was asking for. Clearly, no, I had no clue. Reading books is different from actually being in the situation. Except of course, being in the situation means you just have to live with it.

When I got married, all I could think of was wanting to become a mom. I am never in a phase while really being in the phase. I am always wishing I were in another phase. That totally ruins the experience. So now, I am simply going to enjoy the limbo where I am in. I will live my life a day at a time and see where the Lord will take me. After all, what parent will wish his child ill? Clearly not the Father.

I think yesterday, I finally realized that I have to give my life to the Potter's Hand.

I would be the most terrible of clay to mold but He is the best Potter there is.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

La Tex

I have finally finished writing the paper for a conference. I have sent it to my colleagues for comment and while I know I will have to revisit it, it makes me smile knowing I have written my first paper on LaTex. It really is so much easier to take care of citations using LaTex. Taking care of my bibliography used to be my most loathed part of writing the paper... Now it's actually very manageable especially since I am also using! It makes my life so much easier. While I was already able to tweak TexMaker so that the font of my editor is bigger, I still have difficulty editing my work because I like reading my work from beginning to the last part and it annoys me to see so many "tags" on the document. I get annoyed that I compile my work so I can get the .pdf format and then when I see things I want to edit, it annoys me that I have to close the .pdf and go back to editing my "code" again. Apart from this, I have no complaint.

I had difficulty adding figures at first but a friend of mine pointed out that I should use .eps format. After I started using that things became soh much easier! Yahoo!!! I will tell my group to use the same format because they also had problems with the figures. I am yet to learn creating tables *duh!* but I will get there when the need for it arises...

Tomorrow I will focus on machine project demonstrations *gags!* . Hopefully my students will be able to do very well. I have not tabulated their Finals yet although I already have the results in my bag. I had to focus on the paper first. Oh and yeah, I have a grading sheet for the thesis that I need to take care of too...


What a long day. I am now very tired. I am hoping to wake up really early tomorrow morning for the simbang gabi...

I hope this is the year that I get to complete the simbang gabi. :)

Good night world!

Thank You Lord for the yet again very beautiful day that You have gifted me with. I am very grateful.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Cafe LaTex

I am finally writing in LaTex for a few days now. :)

I struggle because I like writing with big letters. I struggle because one of the two topics is really not my area. It's hard to write about something that is not your area. Nonetheless, I am making do. :)

I need to finish most of this by tonight so that my adviser can go over it and give me comments. I cannot say I have really been slaving over this for a while now hehe... I have put it off because I had other things that I had to attend to like teaching and other papers and other unnecessary things haha like watching musicals! Darn!

I know I just need to focus on this and I will be able to do this. I just know I can. What in the world is wrong with me?! Must. Focus. Of course it does not help that I got less than an hour of sleep last night. I hope my brain will cut me some slack tonight and allow me to finish this paper so that I can really rest well later.

I have to think about what is to come... If I finish this paper... *big grin* I must. I must. I must. I need this. :)

Desperate Housewives

I have not had this little sleep since I had to do my master's thesis. Funny thing is, I was not up doing my dissertation last night. I was just really awake but trying so hard to fall asleep. It was already an ungodly hour and I was still up. Aaargh... I just could not stop my brain from churning useless things. It would have helped if I were at least processing something useful and significant... but nooh... it had to be something as mundane as... never mind. Too mundane to even mention here. *sigh*

I saw Desperate Housewives last night because my sister has been harassing me so we can watch on my Mac. She has now copied them to my HD so she can watch at her own convenient time which should really be not this week because it's Finals Week but I do not think that will stop her.

In one of the episodes, Carlos was diagnosed by the doctor and was told that there is a big chance that he could see again. Gabby his wife started panicking because she has gained a lot of weight and she felt she has let herself go. Of course this is Eva Longoria we are talking about so yes, she still looks hot hehe... Anyhow, compared to the old Gabby, she is several notches lower, use your imagination. She has gained a bit of weight and she is not as glamorous as before anymore because they do not have money anymore since Carlos went blind.

So one night before they slept Gabby told Carlos that she is worried that Carlos might be disappointed because she has lost her luster. She did not want him to be disappointed. Carlos just laughed and he said, "Do you know when I knew I was going to marry you?". Gabby answered, "Yes. When you saw me walking on the catwalk.". To this Carlos said, "That was the time when I knew I wanted to sleep with you. I knew I wanted to marry you when we had dinner and you were up to your elbows eating ribs and you did not care if there was meat hanging in between your teeth and when I told you how terrible you looked you just laughed. When I heard your laughter I just knew I wanted to hear that for the rest of my life.". This of course made me tear up already but what Gabby said made my tears fall. She said,"Do you know when I decided to spend the rest of my life with you?" and Carlos said, "No." and then Gabby said, "Two seconds ago. Before that it was pretty much touch and go.".


They fight a lot but I have always known Carlos loved Gabby soh much. *sigh*

Another episode that made me cry was that one about the handyman Ely Scrubs. My sister pointed out, sometimes the person who touches our lives deeply is the one we tend to overlook and take for granted. Aww...

I have missed watching Desperate Housewives. I really have.

Yes, I am still thinking about what Carlos said to Gabby and I am wondering... *sigh*

Cast Away

I feel like I am a drifter right now, aimlessly swimming in an ocean not knowing where to go or where the waves will take me. I sort of wonder every now and then if being shackled at the bottom of the ocean was better. Sure, I was drowning slowly, but at least I knew where I was. Now I don't know. At all. Where am I? Where is the current going to take me? Will there be a shore that I can finally land?

I stare now in the heavens, in all its wonderful order, it stares at me back. Amidst all of these clashing noisy waves, I see serenity in the dark velvet sky studded with stars of hope. While everything seems to keep on moving there is the Northern Star that will remain constant. It will guide my wandering bark, my vagabond vessel to where I should go, for now I just have to trust and let the waves carry me to where I should go. Hopefully, the waves are enough to wash me of my skepticism and cynicism so that when I land, I am ready to start anew.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Don't Die on Me Sim

My sim is dead. No not the game Sims' Sim. My SIM card is dead. I hope it comes back to life soon otherwise, I have to get a new effing number!!! Arrgh!!!

I feel really sad because I feel disconnected. Yes, even with FB, YM and Skype, I feel horribly disconnected without my phone. *sigh* It's not even that I text a whole lot, it is just knowing that I have a phone and I cannot use it anytime I want makes me sad. Today of all days, people were looking for me and they could not contact me because my SIM decided to die on me last night. Aaargh...

Okay enough ranting. On the brighter side of things, I have had a restful day. This is a good preamble to the hectic days that will come very soon like uhm... tomorrow. I have to visit a company tomorrow to talk about the practicum program. After which I have to pay for my insurance which by the way, I cannot do because I need to transfer funds and to do that I need the transaction number that will be sent to my phone which is not working!!! *arrghh!* Right, everything leads to me and ranting about my phone... Grrr....

I got to run today and i got to use the stationary bike longer because the guy on the treadmill just won't quit hehe... I still have adrenalin and endorphins pumping in my blood right now so the phone is not getting me all depressed as it may seem here on my post. I just like to rant all the time. :)

BTW, I got to go to a mall penniless for two days today. The first time was last December 8 because I heard mass. The schedule at our chapel was changed and so I was displaced at another chapel. Boo. Today, I got to go to the mall without money because my friends bade me to go with them and eat at the mall. I just finished my workout then and so my stuff were still in the faculty room. They just lent me money and so I got to enjoy at the mall without having to carry a bag and a wallet. *wow!* So not me but it felt liberating. :)

All for now! :)


Today, my being a humble teacher was yet again justified by my students.

It was our last meeting of the trimester and I was not at all expecting my students to show up. I started with a prayer and then after which, I started distributing their papers that I have amassed over the trimester. I have checked all of them and left my notes on them as well.

Then I started to notice that some of my students were in the hall. I was asking some of my students why their classmates were outside and then one by one my students also walked out of the room. One of them said, "Miss before you go on, we have something for you." They then surprised me with a cake and a song. One of them was playing the guitar. For the love of me, I cannot remember which song this was. All I know was that at that very moment I was really, really touched. My heart was touched by these young people who were so thoughtful.

After a while, because they looked like they were in a procession, one of them started singing "Ave Maria". This kept me from spilling my tears. I was really fighting the tears because I did not want them to see... Wow... The students came prepared with a camera and they captured the entire thing and all the other moments after that. :)

I will really miss that class. I hope and pray hard that I will be given another class as wonderful as them because they make teaching worthwhile. And no, no money in the world can take the place of the feeling that I had earlier.


The cake tastes wonderful too... Hehe it has mallows and caramel in between. Yum! My sister loved it! :)

Thank You Lord for this wonderful gift.

Friday, December 04, 2009

Judge... Only for Now

Do not think that because I am not in the same road as you are, I am lost. I simply choose to travel the path not taken. Ergo, I do not want to travel with you.... just kidding.

I habe been judged and I have judged others as well many times but you know what? Life has taught me not to judge because it has a way of making you understand. You find yourself sooner or later in more or less the same situation. O nly then do you feel the fangs of life biting your behind. So beforeyou speak remember that life has a way of teaching.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009


I am shaking...

I do not know if I am angry, frustrated... All I know is that there is an intense emotion inside me choking me. I guess I am angry. I hate it when people tend to think they completely understand when in fact they do not. I was anticipating this and I am guessing more will come my way. Very soon. I have to brace myself.

I know it will be a difficult ride but this must be done to avoid more damage.

Some things others would never understand lest they have walked a mile in my shoes.

I feel better now.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009


I am now addicted to iTouch. I do the following using my iTouch:

1. iCal
2. tweet and check out other's tweets
3. listen to music
4. YM
5. play games
6. FB
7. check out my fave blogs there
8. doodle

I am soh glad I got the iTouch!!!


I finally finished checking one section's deliverables yahoo!!! Tomorrow, I will check another batch! Goal is to finish all three sections this week so I can focus on the paper by next week. I still have a mentoring report to write ayayayay!!!

I am still on overdrive but I think I'm a go home now to spend some quality time with my gushing sister! :)

Now, if only I can finish uploading the grades of one of my sections... *sigh*

It's taking forever. Then again, with my patience (or lack thereof) everything takes forever.


Perky Perk!

I am very happy because today is the last day of one of my classes. This is a nonacademic class that to me means, spa teaching *hehe!* because I get relaxed when I teach these courses. Just pure unadulterated good feeling.

Academic subjects while mentally stimulating can also cause deep emotional stress, particularly the academic subject I handle this term. I worry about my students a lot. I will talk about this some other time though. :)

Going back, I asked the students to write an integrative essay and I found out that they appreciated the Community Project that I have asked them to come up with. They felt empowered and they now know that they can do so much to make a difference. Of course it helped that Efren Penaflorida won the CNN Hero of the Year Award. I got to vote for him! *yehey!* Some of my students voted as well!

The best perk of teaching is knowing that I not only get to teach minds but I get to touch hearts and hopefully in the long run, transform lives. That and I get to sleep as long as I want and do whatever I want on the side *hahaha!*. Thank You Lord for this gift. :)

Definitely, Maybe.

I just saw Definitely, Maybe tonight and it reinforced what I have written on my journal many, many years ago (I think it might have been a decade ago already). Love is not like an opportunity, it does not knock only once. Cheesy I know, and you may say I did not know any better. Back then, I was probably nineteen, never been in love, never had a boyfriend. Ironically though, I find that that girl had more wisdom than I do now. I was just too arrogant to read my old journals to realize how much the younger me made sense... I digress...

The movie reminds me that the door will open if you have the patience to count to thirty. Nothing in life is as we plan because otherwise it will be so boring and predictable. As they say, no matter how far down the wrong road you are, you can always turn back.

i think this is why I loved the movie, it was full of choices and while there were so many wrong turns, at the end of the day, there are still many more choices! *wahaha* Just kidding! The optimist inside me (which is not a huge chunk of me) thinks that it all worked out in the end. It just took some time but the most worthwhile of things are the most worthy of one's time.

I loved the movie... I do not think I will watch it again soon but it's definitely one of the movies I enjoy the most. Other films would be:
1. City of Angels *sigh*
2. Shakespeare In Love (This I can watch over and over and over)
3. Before Sunset (I find this overly romantic)
4. Definitely, Maybe
5. Legends of the Fall (And it's not just because of Brad Pitt)

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Tall Order

No. I do not mean a coffee. :)

Yey! My order for a BDJ Planner is already being processed and it will be en route by tomorrow *woot*! They say the Starbucks planner looks nice this year and that it comes with coupons but it's such a hassle collecting stickers and it is bound to make me fat. Which reminds me I still have a 500 Php worth of GC to spend at Starbucks... Should I just use it to get a nice tumbler to leave at the lab? Hmm...

I have also not used my BDJ coupons. Shame... I still have buy 1 take 1 coupons. Maybe I should just give them away to my students who like to go to coffee shops. I will be hanging out at a coffee shop on Saturday since I will be driving my sister to one of her IT competitions and then straight to Trinoma for a classmate's blowout. Driving in that area makes me soh nervous! There are just way too many buses and trucks! Argh!!!

This morning, I have a nice problem of looking for RFID readers to buy! :) New toys for the lab! I just hope the company I emailed will reply very soon because I want them to tailor an RFID reader for me. :) Spoiled! :) We have the money... I want the reader to be as unobtrusive as possible.

I have already paid for my ticket to see Cats featuring our very own Lea Salonga who will be playing Grizabella! :) *woot!* I am soh excited! This won't be until July next year but I already am excited!

Speaking of tickets, last Sunday my sister and I purchased our tickets for Sweeney Todd as well *yehey!* I hope their adaptation is nice. I cannot wait for that as well but before that happens I have to finish a paper first. At least I have something to look forward to.

I just realized. This month I have spent sooh much! *thwaps self* I better stop this. *grin*

Monday, November 23, 2009

Psycho Babble

I ran again last Sunday and it was a great joy being able to run 5K all the way. I used to feel like my lungs are about to burst while running the 5K, but for the last two 5K runs I did wonderfully. I did not get tired enough to stop. In fact, I think I can run faster it's just that I am afraid that I might push my self too hard and then end up walking. :) Pacing, pacing is the key I tell my self.

I wonder how I did in the last run! I really hope I did better than my other runs! :)

I'm schleepy... I better go get some rest... Oh wait...

I have to get a separate charger for the iTouch so I do not have to leave my Mac plugged so I can charge it... I now have tons of games and I have one specific favorite! I also love that I was able to download a nice to-do list. I am enjoying the iCal very much as it syncs with my Mac's iCal automatically when I plug my iTouch into my Mac! It's soooh convenient. Hmm... which reminds me I have to spend the rest of the day at the lab tomorrow so I can work on a paper to be submitted. I hope the paper gets in. I am in need to get out of the country. :) My feet are itching to get on a plane *hahaha!*

Also, I finally paid for my BDJ planner today at the bank. I hope to get my BDJ planner within the week! Wow, a year has gone by... Hard to believe. I hope next year will be a great one for me.

Thank You Lord for this year. I know there are still things that I do not understand but I know Lord eventually things will unravel before me.

I was able to download a Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare on my iTouch and I am loving it! Shakespeare writes beautifully, he makes me gush like a teenage girl! I saw Shakespeare in love again the other day and just fell in love all over again! *sigh!* I remember seeing the copy of Romeo and Juliet at the library and I could not read the whole stanzas because they got chopped off, who knows how! Now I am very happy that I can read it from the iTouch! The book comes with a nice tool that scrolls automatically. So kewl!!!

I feel exhausted... I think I'm a-go rest now. :)

Saturday, November 21, 2009


I have just seen 2012.

I did not expect much intellectual stuff... At first it was okay because it had some discussions on solar flare which has been discussed to me before and I have seen an episode on the History Channel before on that but then things went downhill from there. Suddenly it felt like a cross between an Indiana Jones movie and a Rialto simulation. If you are looking for a thinking movie, this is not the movie for you. This movie is all about disaster eye candy.

I thought it was very dragging (perhaps my needing to pee in the middle of the film had much to do with this) and there were a lot of scenes that could have just been edited out. There were characters that did not really do much for the story nor the sympathy of the audience.

I do not think this movie will be great on DVD because the graphics and effects and sound will be better appreciated if seen on the big screen. The story on the other hand was really lousy, this beats all other disaster movies in terms of the lousiness of the story. :)

If I were to live until 2012 I wonder what I would want... hmm... This makes me think. :) How do I want to spend the rest of my life if the rest of my life is only until 2012?

I think I need more time to think about this but I would definitely want to spend the rest of my life happy that's for sure.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Pain Management

Blogging using iTouch so forgive me for some typos if thee there are any. My English teacher used to tell us that wrong grammar n in spoken E glisj English is forgivable but in writen written form it is abominable because you had the Luxury of time to proofread. Oh least I remember what she said even though am too stubborn not to mention lazy.
When do you say ouch and when do you suck it in? Whe is it over reacting and when is it being assertive? I think I need to work on this skill. I do not know what is up ahead but am sure, when all one has is dignity one holds on to it tooth and nail.

Whew... soh many typographical errors! Shame... shame... :)

Monday, November 16, 2009

Happy Shalalala

I am very pleased with myself today. I guess all the endorphins from running 5K non-stop (Finally!) are still in my brain! I mean, really, I feel happy and alive! Another reason why I am probably very giddy is the very cute theme that my sister installed in my phone. Also, after running, I went home to watch the game of Pacquiao on a live telecast and saw the People's Champ win!!! *woot* If that is not enough to make me ecstatic, I drove to Greenhills after the fight and bought myself an iPod Touch! I know I said I was going to buy a Nano but then the difference of the Nano and the iTouch was just 2K. I went for the iTouch and I am super glad I did.

OMG, I am soh having fun using it!!! I can now use FB and Twitter anytime. I can check my email on the go and most of all I can listen to MJ's music anywhere. I have not brought it to the gym yet but I am psyched that I can watch videos while I am on the treadmill, stationary bike and the elliptical machine! *woot!*

I feel great! I should run more often, also I think my body clock has been reset and I think I am back to my normal sleeping habit thanks to the fun run yesterday. I actually slept before 1am last night much to the delight of those who care what time I sleep! *woot!*

I also have fun teaching these days! I hope this will keep on. In the meantime I have to get back to a paper that I really have to write.

*I'm so happy, oh so happy as happy can be!*

Another thing worth mentioning... I am planning to watch Cats featuring our very own Lea Salonga next year. This November, I will be seeing Sweeney Todd with my sister!

Saturday, November 14, 2009


Reminiscence abounds in my everyday environment. Just earlier I was staring at some of my knickknacks on my table and memories of good times came flooding in. I saw a figurine that once made me laugh until my back hurt because of the intensive "operation" it has undergone for it to be repaired. I looked at it this afternoon and without close scrutiny one would not be able to tell what it looked before the operation many years ago. The experience of the process of repairing that figurine is now more valuable to me than the figurine itself. What it now represents is now more than what it used to.

Like that figurine, I hope my process of recovery would become a pleasing memory that I will recount someday long after I have recovered. I hope to be able to repair myself, not alone, but with the help of many who care and it is also my fervent hope that I would seem as good as new after all this. In the end, I want to be a better person because of this and I would like to touch more lives because of this as well.

It's funny how the most trivial of things I overlook can send me messages from the past for my future.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Come Spring

I have two papers to write still and I have not started yet. I have a Psych paper (again!) that I have to write based on a really thick paper that I have not started reading yet. *argh!* But that is not what I want to write about tonight...

I just wonder what happened along the way. I thought I got things figured out. I thought things were actually all laid out in front of me. Things were just waiting to unravel for as long as I follow things to the dot. I think I have. Save for this one thing and now I find everything does not make sense at all.

I wonder if everyone goes through something like this or if this is unique to me. I know in my heart that I have tried my best to follow everything to the dot. Perhaps too rigidly that I seemed to have forced myself into a situation that I did not want to be in.

I trust still, that things still await to be unravelled in my life and that things will get better. I trust that this brief confusion is all what it is and finally, things will begin to make sense again. I trust that eventually, my slate will be clean again and I can start fresh.

Let me turn a new leaf. This winter has been too long and I long to see my first green leaf.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Dissertation Revisited

I finally have enough problems on my dissertation. Yes, this is actually good news! This took me a while because for a while now, I have not opened my dissertation file! :)

I revisited my file last night and just realized that it's actually fun to work on it. I hope that this will continue. Now, I have to dig up some of the articles that I have read and cite them in some parts of my document. Argh! I should have done that a looong time ago. What is wrong with me?!

Today was okay, for a very full day I still got to work on many things so I think I really am improving in terms of managing my day. Hopefully, tomorrow will be good again. Which reminds me, I have several defenses tomorrow. *yikes!* Really busy day tomorrow too!

I am loving our laboratory because I think I can actually do work there. I love that we have a big open space for work instead of my cramped cubicle in the faculty room. Also, the students who disturb me in the lab are those whose works are related to my research so it's still work related to my research. How cool is that?

Sunday, November 08, 2009


Things i am grateful for today:
1. Movie date with my mom and my sister. I love laughing with them!
2. VGA adapter for my MacBook Pro. It has been out of stock at MOA for soh long!
3. Window shopping! I now have a pleasant problem of choosing between iTouch and Nano.
4. Animo Run I think I will be running this Sunday.
5. Sunday Mass We were a bit late but I enjoyed every moment of the mass.

Overall, it was a great Sunday too! :)

Thank You Lord!

I feel You in my life every single day.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Saturday Rave!

I have said this before, and I will say this again... I love Saturdays!

I am very, very happy because today I was very productive. Of course this is relative but still. I am happy to say that I have finished reading Environment Psychology of McAndrew. I was able to get substantial material for my dissertation there. Also, I was able to get articles for the final paper that we are to submit in our Emotions Development class. My topic is not really on Emotional Development per se. It's a marriage between Environment Psychology and Emotional Development. I hope my batch of articles will get approved because it is going to be very relevant to my dissertation. I am gaining momentum again. :) Soh happy! I feel so fulfilled when I can work like this. I hope to be like this again next week.

It is soh hard to be productive when I am tempted to just sleep all day. I think I am done with sleeping too much it really is not good for me. I do not want to wile my time on Earth just sleeping in bed. I am missing out on too much. Like this afternoon, while taking a break I laughed so hard with my colleagues at our common area. It feels so great to share a good laugh with friends. Of course after the good laugh I found my way to my cubicle to work.

I am also soh into listening to music again. I have started with a fresh new iTunes and am beginning to populate it with songs I really enjoy. :) I also have created a new batch of play lists and am pondering on buying iPod Nano or iTouch. I am thinking I should just get a Nano because it is lighter and I think it's okay to drop that *hehe*. I am almost sure that I will drop iTouch if I get one. This is the same reason why, no matter how cute, I will not get an iPhone. It will not last a year, I will surely destroy it at some point. My trusty Nokia on the other hand has suffered and lived through all the imaginable tortures a cellphone can be subjected to save the water submersion because that would mean death I think. I have however, managed to get all the diodes wet and for a while I had to make do with a phone with no backlight *haha!*. I thought during that brief moment that seemed to me like an eternity that it has finally given up on me but to my pleasant surprise, it has not and it lives!!!

For the first time in weeks I am not cramming to finish an article because we do not have a class this coming Tuesday. I have to get a head start though for next, next week so I will be reading now, without pressure though and that spells the difference.

Gosh, I really enjoyed my Saturday! :)

Another bonus, one of my Cisco students inquired today if I am still teaching Cisco. I am not handling a class this term and they said they won't take Cisco unless I am the teacher... Aww... I love teaching. :)

100% Sulk

I am sorry to sound so sappy. I really tried to focus tonight to read Environmental Psychology but my mind kept on flying off to Michael Jackson. I feel like my twelve to sixteen year old self again, obsessing about him. Blame it on the idea that my sister got to see This Is It again this afternoon with her friends while I hit the gym and did some work. Okay, I am passing the blame, I am accountable for my own obsessive behavior.

I saw a lot of his videos on YouTube again, those with his kids and I feel bad for them because now they do not have a dad. MJ seemed to be a really nice dad to them. *sigh* He was a human being like all the rest of us why couldn't they treat him like that instead of a commodity that was sold and used. It is really, really sad that he was taken away so suddenly and so soon when he still had much to give.

Okay, his last few albums were not as good as the first ones, but even so, he had so much to give to his kids and to his loved ones and to those who were in need. He lost his childhood and somehow I do not think he ever got that back and now all over again, he has lost another childhood, that of his kids. *sigh* He did not get to experience that fully either.

I hope to be able to get over this and just move on. I want to slap myself back into reality. I should not even be this affected. *Arg!* Still ,I find that I am because a lot of my inspiration back when I was younger was drawn from his well of music, magic and madness.

I have lost a hero and there is no one to take his place. I am happy there are records and there are videos still, they remain constant reminders of what the world, what I, have lost.


Friday, November 06, 2009

Wrestling in the Eyes of My Nine Year Old Self

I was just sharing to a friend how I used to watch World Wrestling Federation when I was nine. Wrestling was to me as Santa was to me and most kids. It was something I waited for every week and it was something that I thought was real. I remembered arguing with some of my friends because I was insisting that wrestling was real.

So now I wonder if wrestling screwed me over and made me think that people do not bleed when you hit them with chairs and baseball bats. I wonder if up to this day, I believe that the crowd cheering will make me stronger as it used to do for Hulk Hogan. I wonder if my subconscious still thinks these things...

Still, looking back, I would still want to watch wrestling because my most fun times that I got to spend with my dad was when we watched wrestling, Tom and Jerry and Woody Woodpecker while we ate popcorn my mom made. I love those times. In wrestling I learned that no matter what happens, you have to continue the fight. I learned that the human body can take more than we think it can. I learned that not everyone will play fair and that sometimes they will disappoint you. I learned that it is okay to face things alone because you can handle things.

I also learned that in life not all things that we see is real. Some things are just there for you to experience and enjoy and hopefully, it will help you build stronger relationships with those who matter, like your family.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

It's All About Love, L-O-V-E

Was what MJ used to say during rehearsals... But I digress.

This made me cry. If you want to read the whole version of the article it's here.

Love Is Service
I dedicate my last story to all those living away from their loved ones today—Overseas Filipino Workers, Migrants, etc.
Many years ago, I met Alice, a Filipina teacher in Brunei.
She was my host and took care of me while I was there. When I woke up early one morning, I noticed that she was on the phone. But she wasn’t speaking.
She explained that it was her beautiful ritual of love to her husband. Years ago, her husband suffered a stroke and he became paralyzed. So she went to Brunei to work for the family.
And what was this ritual of love? Alice would wake up at 4 in the morning to call her husband. (This was before the days of cell phones and text messages.) But because they could not afford long distance calls, they agreed that the husband was not to answer the phone.
Instead, the husband would allow the phone to ring.
And ring.
And ring.
He would allow the love of Alice, symbolized by the ringing, to fill their house and to fill his heart.
For 8 years straight, Alice did this beautiful ritual without fail.
Until he finally passed away.
That’s what love is.
Not like feelings that come and go.
Not like moods that are here today and gone tomorrow.
Love is simply done, day in and day out.
Because it’s eternal.
It was Mother Teresa who said, “Service is a fruit of love”.
If you love, you will serve.
Go now, and like Mother Teresa, dirty your hands.
May your dreams come true,
Bo Sanchez


I am going to vote for Noynoy because I think he is honest and I think we, now more than ever, need an honest man to rule. I want GMA out of Malacanang. I hope people will just vote for him so that the votes will not be divided. The votes will be harder to manipulate if the nation will decide to vote for Noynoy. I hope the automation works out but from the looks of it, things will get messed up. They are cramming and they have not started educating the public yet on how to vote. I hope they finish on time. I hope the academe will have enough time to check the machines and the program.

I hope.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Random Halloween Posts

Halloween was very interesting this year. I spent it in our empathic space with friends, we had pizza, chicharon, and all the other junk food plus a horror movie. The junk food was excellent hehe... One can never go wrong with chicharon from R. Lapid. Yum! The horror movie wreaked but that was okay because the company was great. I really had a great time eating and watching the movie! Until next Halloween everyone!

I saw This Is It again today but this time on IMAX. Of course the sound is better, the picture better and the talent as always will always be genius. I miss MJ and I keep on falling in love with him over and over. *sigh* The documentary is doing so well that they might even extend the number of weeks that it will be shown in the cinemas. What I cannot take though is that they are comparing This Is It with Miley Cyrus' concert movie *barf*. I am sorry but I am not a fan of Hannah Montana, blame it on the age... Even if I were, I do not think the King of Pop should be compared side by side a newbie teeny bopper. I take offense as a fan.

It's funny how people near you can sometimes seem so far away and how people so far from you can make you feel as though they are just right there next to you.

Thursday, October 29, 2009


A student asked our BS group why we believe in God. She is not an atheist but sometimes she wonders why we believe when there are others who live their lives as they please and have no care about the Lord.

This question made me think. Why do I choose to believe in the Lord?

I choose to believe because choosing to believe is choosing to be saved, not for the afterlife but rather for this life, the one I am living now. My faith has saved me from the horrors of everyday life and I am not just talking about the many miracles I have witnessed happen in my life but rather the will to live that my faith gives me. My faith promises me that there is always light at the end of the tunnel, it tells me that the Lord will never forsake me and that He carries me in the Palm of His Hand. I know I am not perfect and I err on a regular basis but the Lord is always there to receive me with open arms. He knows me more than anyone in this world and He knows what my heart desires more than I do. At the end of the day, I believe because I need to believe to survive and because I need to know that I am loved with the greatest Love of all.

Before the session ended, I shared this song to them because this says why we have to believe in spite all the science there is. Even Einstein believed in the Lord. Even if quantum Physics is considered, one has to wonder why given all the probabilities, this version of the universe was created, one where lives can be nurtured, one that endlessly provides us with beauty and hope.

The following song is one of my favorite praise songs so far...


Who taught the sun where to stand in the morning?
and Who told the ocean you can only come this far?
and Who showed the moon where to hide 'til evening?
Whose words alone can catch a falling star?

Well I know my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives:
Let all creations testify
Let this, life within me cry
I know my Redeemer lives, yeah.

The very same God that spins things in orbit
runs to the weary, the worn and the weak
And the same gentle hands that hold me when I'm broken
They conquered death to bring me victory

Now I know my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
Let all creations testify
Let this life within we cry
I know my Redeemer, He lives
To take away my shame
And He lives forever, I'll proclaim

That the payment for my sin
Was the precious life He gave
But now He's alive and
There's an empty grave.

And I know my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
Let all creations testify
Let this life within me cry
I know my Redeemer,

I know my Redeemer
I know my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
I know that I know that I know that I know that I know my redeemer lives
Because He lives I can face tomorrow
I Know I know
He lives He lives yeah, yeah I spoke with him this morning
He lives He lives, the tomb is empty,
He lives I gotta tell everybody

This Is It - My Experience

It was for me, ethereal. My toes are still barely touching the ground, my head is till in the clouds, my breathing still irregular and my heartbeat is still too fast.

All my senses still relishes the experience that was This Is It. The excitement and the thrill of it all was very difficult to contain, I wanted to scream and wave my arms wildly into the air but that was not the norm. I succeeded in repressing all the shriek but not for long.

It was what I have imagined and so much more. Tonight, I have witnessed what I have always believed in, the genius that was Michael Jackson. He moved with such cutting edge precision, embodying the music and the beat, you just see the rhythm flow through him like electricity to a conductor. He was not just a performer, he was a visionary, hearing and seeing things that other people cannot. He was a genius with a heart, a perfectionist who sought perfection not for fame but to give more of himself and his gift.

He just did not have room for mediocrity, he does not stop polishing until everything so blindingly sparkles underneath the spotlight. He is great and yet he is humble, open to novel ideas and concepts. He gives credit where credit is due and affirmation for work done with care and love. He was aware that he was the most essential component and yet he never forgot that that was only possible because of the other talents surrounding him. This video says everything that a person has to know about how to be the King of Pop. Humility, love, dedication and a truckload of talent.

The show was truly the masterpiece of many people whose lives will forever have the mark of Michael Jackson. They will never work as they did before meeting Michael because Michael showed devotion and dedication to his craft like no other. It makes me ask if these people realize how fortunate they were for having been able to spend the last few hours of Michael with them, to be able to witness the last few moonwalks, spins and jaw dropping choreography and vocals or if disappointment is eating them up because the show never got to London. I am sure Michael was disappointed to not be able to get the show on the road for the millions of fans awaiting his return to the spotlight. He was performing not just for himself but for the millions who drew inspiration from the magic that he created. His show was nothing short of an escape from reality. He literally transformed the stage, he was not just performing, he was speaking, opening his heart to share all that he has. I admit, his voice is not as powerful as before, yet no singer with so much power can sing like he does because he sings not just with his voice but with his heart. You just feel the passion that is overflowing when he sings, when he moves, when he shares his thoughts. I have been blessed to have seen the comet that is Michael that graces the heavens once in millions of years. I am fortunate to have been able to witness his very being in flesh some thirteen years ago, and even then, he has touched my life in so many ways, through his art, music and love for others.

HIs music will live on and his rhinestone-covered glove, his beaded socks and his penny loafers will always be reminders that once upon a time, a man stood under the spotlight, in front of a mic stand and gave all he had.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Miss Universe

The universe started in chaos and then from the chaos came order. All this order will one day end in chaos and the whole thing will just start all over again. This is the macrocosm of my existence.

I am in the process of chaos right now. Still, when all this chaos ends, a new universe will form. I hope to regain order in my life, I hope to regain happiness. I long for the day when all will move around their respective orbits and life will begin to surface again.

I used to think whenever I feel I have messed this life up that in a parallel universe out there, there's a version of me who is not messing up and is doing very well. I used to think that a lot... until now.

I have to stop wondering about other versions of the universe, I am going to be happy in this universe. I choose to be happy in this version of the universe.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Life's Like Stat

Finally done with my paper in my PhD class. This is just not going to end, I have a new batch to read again tonight. Argh! I think last weekend was more stressful because I had so many things to take care of, the technical report, the PhD paper, the exams and my sister's Stat exam. I really had to multitask. One minute I was thinking Psych another, I was thinking Stat. Thank goodness I had so much help in Stat and it was so fun too. The Psych paper paled in comparison unfortunately. I guess, at the end of the day, Math excites me more. I never thought I would say that in this lifetime.

A friend of mine asked me what I would do if for example he had three boxes with three balls of two possible colors rolling down. Two of them are black and one is white. I have to pick the box with the white ball to get the jackpot. He then opens one of the boxes and shows me that there's a black box inside, he asked me if I would change my mind. I thought okay, when I first picked there was 1/3 chance that I would get the white but 2/3 chance that I would get the black. When he opened one of the boxes then that would give me a 50% chance of getting the white or black. I was torn.

i initially had 2/3 chance of getting black so chances are, I probably picked the box with a black ball the first time I picked. There was a bigger chance that the ball inside the box I chose was black! So if he asks me to switch I should because I most probably picked the box with the black ball! How kewl is that?!

Wish he were my teacher in Stat, I bet it would have been awesome!

If I had known this years before, i swear I would have switched to the other box.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Next Stop

I am on one of the steam engine trains from the past. I am anticipating to get to my stop but the train, as I grow anxious more, seems to taunt me more by moving slower. I cannot wait train, please put on some speed. I need to be where I should be soon. Time is a-ticking and I cannot be in this cabin for long. I long for the warmth of the sunlight against my skin and the gentle blowing kisses of the wind on my cheeks. End this torture dear train and get me where I should be. I need to feel the solid ground underneath my feet again. I think I see the next station already, just get me there train, fast enough for my sake.

Sunday, October 25, 2009


I was too tired to talk about this last night. I was exhausted from lack of sleep and solving but we had such a blast last night after the Stat stuff that we did. My sister and I went to bed and my brother hid under the sheets. After I lied down, he startled my sister coming out of the sheets and shouting 'Boo!'. *wahaha* My sister broke into peals of laughter! When my brother got up to go the the comfort room, my sister and I came up with a plan to startle him back. My sister tried to squeeze herself under the bed but would not fit so she settled for the space underneath the Casio keyboard. Little did we know, my brother just pretended to go to the CR but he was actually waiting for me to go to the other side of the room. He heard everything that we were trying to do! So yes, he startled my poor sister again, helpless, and with nowhere to run to! *wahahah!* i think my throat hurts from laughing too hard last night.

Still, it was really fun!

Just like the good old days. :)

I remember before, I slept later than everyone else in the household because I needed some peace and quiet to work and because I like horsing around first with my siblings before I start working a.k.a. solve endless Calculus and other Math problems. The floor of my room and other flat surfaces are always covered with yellow sheets of paper with solutions. There was one night when an alarm clock started going off and I just could not find where it was. I was desperately searching because the sound was so annoying and was to loud in the stark contrast of the silence the early dawn provided. Alas, I found the darn alarm clock wrapped in yellow sheet with the message "At sa wakas, nahanap din ng ating bidang si Chabelita ang kanina pa nagkakaingay na alarm clock". I was laughing so hard! I think I cried from laughing *haha!*!

Also, I went to school long after my siblings have gone to school. I normally left my bag on the bed of one of the rooms in the house, I did not realize that this will invite a prank from my siblings. There was a time when I went to school with a clothes hanger, a couple of big batteries, and other junk in my bag! Of course I had to stifle my laughter when I discovered I had these stuff during class lest it would have gotten me into trouble.

Fun times! I am fortunate to have fun siblings for siblings! It sure makes life more exciting and it makes it easier to laugh.

Le Stat

I saw Statistics in a whole new light tonight. It actually became a family activity and not just any other activity, it was fun! *sigh* While we were racking our brains how to solve one of the problems, I felt as though everything was right in the world.

I think this has much to do with the fact that the sun is about to rise. I had to finish my technical report after the Stat marathon with my sister.

Thank You Lord for the beautiful day You have given me yesterday. May today be as beautiful. Thank You for giving me reasons to love each day. I always feel Your love for me though I know I am imperfect and not at all the daughter You may find ideal.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Swimming Upstream

There are times when I question why things must fall when dropped or why water when exposed to sun become rain clouds that rain on our parade. I do not know why the very water that keeps us alive can be the same water that drowns us. I suppose this is just how the world works, this is just how things are and as mere mortals we must accept this without question. Still, sometimes, I like to think that while the most fundamental things have already been decided by the most powerful force in the universe, the important details of our lives are still up to us. I would like to think that even though we mistakenly jump into a river flowing downstream, we can still, if we have enough life, passion and will, choose to swim upstream before we join the great waterfall.

Some weeks ago, I have chosen to swim upstream and I am panting and fatigue is taking over me, still I know that I must go on if only to find out if indeed I can. I may drown while fighting the natural flow of things, still I know that if I let the current just carry me then I might as well have drowned right then because it would feel as though my life has been lived for me, choices made for me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I still have major swimming to do (figuratively still, unfortunately).

Friday, October 23, 2009

Still Itching to Fly

I am really itching to go. I just checked out HK tickets and I found a pretty ok deal! I want to go! Can i? Can I? :)

Though, it might be sad to be in HK all alone and with cold weather and all, it will be quite a drab.

I really should be working on my technical report already! Argh!!! Must stop thinking about leaving because I have so much work to do!

Brink of Addiction

Wow... I was experiencing blogging withdrawal symptoms already. *haha!* I could not create a new post for a while. I need rehab quick!

I was just thinking about how we should be guided by our heart. I know the Lord is our Father and He wants us to be happy and He will not want anything that will not make us happy. However, how dow we hear what our heart wants? How can we hear it loud and clear? I think I hear my heart, I just hope I am hearing it right.

I was soh anxious about posting, now that I can post, I am at a loss for words or ideas *haha*! I have so much to do. So far, all I have done since yesterday was check papers. It does not take too long for me to check my parts but I am too lazy. This week has got to be the laziest of all my weeks. I have to start gearing up. I have a technical report and a paper due for Monday. Must. I seem to always space out. I think I need time for myself. I mean, a serious break. I think I need some vacation on my own. I'm regretting not going to France again *haha*! Why did I pass that up again? Oh yeah, I was up to my neck with things I had to finish.

Tomorrow ought to be a better day. :) Looking forward to it more or less. :)

All for now.


I have a mile-long list of things to do but I cannot find the energy to do them. I keep on sleeping *haha* and no I do not have dengue. I just want to sleep and sleep and then sleep some more except when it is really time to sleep then I cannot sleep. I have the most erratic sleeping pattern the past few weeks. I do not think it has anything to do with caffeine.

It's funny how I look in the past and I realize how dense I was. Signs were all over the place but for some reason, maybe it was pride or it was sheer stupidity, I ignored them. Ignored them all. Now, I have to face my present and trudge on to the future. Which reminds me...

Tonight I had a bible study session with students and we read Romans 7 and 8. It said that it is only hope if you hope for what you have not seen because if you have seen it already then you cannot call that hope. This gave hope a new meaning for me. I wait for my future with hope.

I said before in a journal of mine when I was way younger and sad to say, wiser, that love is not an opportunity because opportunity, unlike love, knocks only once. I said this with so much conviction, now that I have seen what the world is like, I say this with hope.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Itching Feet

A friend of mine is asking me to go to Macau!

*wahaha* I am not really sure I want to go. I have never left the country and spent for myself, usually I just get deployed and so I end up not paying for my fare or accommodations. Still, I bet it would be fun. I think Hong Kong will be more fun though. *haha!*

Hong Kong is one of the best cities I have been to because it has shopping, amusement parks, cool toys, easy transportation and it's very near! If I were to pick a city where I can do almost anything it would be Hong Kong. I have never been to Macau though, still something tells me Hong Kong is the better choice.

I would actually be happy and content with Boracay or Palawan. I love the beach and the parties during the night. :) I miss dancing at night. I wonder when I can go dancing again. I should ask one of my party friends. *hahaha* Another friend of mine asked me months ago, maybe it's high time I go. :)


I wish things were just black or white. I sometimes wonder if things are gray or if I am just insisting that they are. I guess not knowing what to do is the price we pay for having free will. There are so many directions that we can go and sometimes, without a clear instruction of where to go you get lost. We have been left with a map, yes. I check the map but there are times when I do not know what to make of the map. Is it me refusing to go to where I should or is it because I am reading the map wrong? How do mere mortals find their way around in this labyrinth of a world where there are too many turns and where turning back the time is an impossibility?

I guess at the end of the day, we just do things as best we can and hope for the best.

Laugh Therapy

My sister is still busy watching How I Met Your Mother and I cannot sleep yet. Darn! :) I understand her completely though, this series is soh addictive! I remember watching this nonstop and laughing out loud in my cubicle! *wahahah!* Hilarious! It does not fail to make me laugh so hard! I just love the character played by Neil Patrick Harris. He is such a great actor! After Howser M.D. one would think he's over but no, he definitely came back with a vengeance in How I Met Your Mother.

I find the series overly romantic as well. It really portrays how difficult and complicated not to mention it's like finding a needle in a haystack, it is to find a life partner but it makes the predicament seem funnier, hence easier to take. :)

I just love the feeling of being able to laugh out loud. I love hearing my sister laugh out loud while watching. I have taken laughter for granted. It was taken away from me and now I have learned that laughter is one of the most important things in life.


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Just Wondering...

Hoorah! I am not late yet! Deadline is not until the 28th! Whew! Thank You Lord!!! I am actually early! Paid already to get it out of the way already. I have to get the DOST Technical Report done so I can focus on reading the PhD papers tomorrow. Got so many papers that we need to read again for next week, it's like, no it is never ending. Do not get me wrong, I have fun reading the papers. I think I really enjoy Psychology. I might take it for real in the future for the benefit of my future children and of course, my dream preschool! :) Nothing wrong with dreaming ya know!

I had fun in my class again. I love this class because they have fun and then they keep quiet when I am saying something. I really enjoy teaching their class. I am glad I took this class. I was actually planning on taking a sabbatical on the non acad classes but I think I will miss the non acad classes if I do. I almost forgot about my class today! I was busy checking exams that I have forgotten about the time. It's a good thing I finished checking before one third of my class time was up.

I have not seen the exam results of my students but am hoping that they did well. I have seen the papers of other classes and i was a bit disappointed by what I saw. i hope my class performed better.

I think there is something wrong with me. I keep on searching for something and while I see traces of what I look for. I cannot seem to find exactly what it is I yearn for. Is it really that hard to find? Is it really that difficult to achieve? I hope that in this lifetime I will be able to uncover what I am desperately searching for. Lead me to that which my heart so desire dear Lord, You know me more than I know me.


I had a blast from the past today.

I was filled with anger, regret and then, hope.

I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that all that we are and what happens are part of the tapestry that the Lord is weaving together. I may not see the design now, but all that the Lord creates is beautiful. I just have to trust in Him.

On a less formal note, I hope that my Sun Life insurance due date has not passed. I have not received their reminder. Dear Lord, I pray that I am not late yet.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Out of the Box

I move in silence so no one can hear the unspoken words that are blaring in my head. I smile my brightest so no one can see the raging river of tears that are dying to flow. I hold my head up high so no one sees the shame that envelopes me. I am trapped in a box that I have willed myself to enter. I shut the world out, I wanted them to think this is how I want things. I thought the box could be a home but it did not have the warmth and comfort of home. It was cold and dark and damp inside, I thought I could thrive in that dark pit I have stayed in, I thought my life, my warmth, will keep me alive but the walls just kept on closing in and I was choking. I knew that if I did not find a way out, I will suffer an inevitable death, my flame blown out and I will stay obscured from the colorful world I once knew.

So I crawled out.

Now that I am in the open fields I shiver to the newness of things, I have been in the dark too long. The fear of the unknown at times makes me want to turn back and I keep on asking myself if I should have stayed, if I have given it all the warmth and life I had would that box have turned into a home. I think about it for a brief while and I realize no, it was never a home for there was no love nor warmth nor laughter. I look at the box now and it is not inviting me as before. All I see are the worn walls of the damp carton stained with tears and mud and rain. I sigh because I built all my dreams and hopes around it, I thought my waking hours will be spent there but I was never meant to stay there. A minute more and I could have lost the tiny spark inside of me.

So I stand outside trying to rekindle the little spark. I walk around pretending my flame is aglow but all I have is a little dwindling light, hoping no one will notice until my spirit is ignited again enough to allow me to live with fervent hope again.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

A Friend Returns

There are times when the wound is still too fresh that you dare not let anyone near because you are afraid that they might touch it and make it bleed all over again so you retreat in a corner and nurse your open flesh on your own. As everything else in this world, healing takes time, and because this is most of the time done in solitude, it feels longer than it really takes.

After years of not talking to each other, I was able to talk to this person. Last Saturday, he came back and for the first time, we were able to look at each other and genuinely smile at each other. The circumstance was not perfect but I felt good because suddenly I remembered how good this person is.

Welcome back. I am glad you are all healed. I have much to tell you but let's save that for next time.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Blogger's Block

I cannot seem to write.

Words escape me.

Ideas evade me.

I have written many things only to delete them again.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Before Sunset

I just saw Before Sunset today thanks to my sister who watched it as she ate her lunch and then left without finishing the movie. I decided to finish it. It has been a while since I saw it last. A friend of mine recommended it to me some years ago. I enjoyed the movie still, looking at it in another perspective, now that I have been through more in my life.

I just love their conversations and spontaneity of the two characters. I would love to have conversations like that. I only know very few people who I can really talk to from sunrise to sunset not running out of things to say to each other. I love that they were so comfortable with each other, no pretenses, no judgments. They spoke their mind and the other just listened, not judging, agreeing to disagree. *wow*

I love this movie, they do not even kiss and yet I find it overly romantic. Before Sunset is a sequel to After Sunrise (I think) I also have that title but it has also been a while since I have seen it. It's not something I want to see again but it is nice to watch it first before the sequel. I want to watch the sequel again!

I have my sister to thank for reminding me of this beautiful film

And yes, my sister is one of those people whom I can talk to all day and not run out of things to do or say. :)

A nice quote from one of the characters:

It is better to be alone than to be with your lover and be lonely.

Words of Wisdom

I know I should be sleeping now but I'm having really bad palpitations. Three glasses of tea = not a good idea!!!

I wanted to post this here just so I won't forget. Words of one of the old but wise people I know.

There are sure telling signs of a good relationship:
(1) We are filled with true joy, a sense of deep peace and immeasurable hope.
(2) We feel unusually interested in and responsible for the other person.
(3) We evolve "effortlessly" into better persons. 090918 (corrected)


I am happy that my ex replied to my message. He said he appreciated my message for him.

Just glad.

On the brighter side of things, I was able to read the first of two very thick chapters for my PhD and I enjoyed it. It will be very useful in justifying what I would like to do. *woot!* I still have another chapter that I need to read. Tomorrow will be another very busy day but hopefully when I get that out of the way I can focus on the second paper. I have no plans of cramming again next Tuesday, I still have a technical report to write. I will also be spending the rest of the week checking programming! *barfs*

Still, I have much to be thankful for. Thank You Lord for all of the blessings you tirelessly bestow upon me and my family. Please continue to bless us. We are always at Your mercy.

I would also like to share this video, this made me cry. It reminded me of how much we are loved by our parents and more so, by our Father.

There are no words to describe what you're about to see. It's all about HIM!

A Son asked his father, "Dad, will you take part in a marathon with me?" The father who, despite having a heart condition, says "Yes". They went on to complete the marathon together. Father and son went on to join other marathons. The father always saying "Yes" to his son's request of going through the race together. One day, the son asked his fater, "Dad, let's join the Ironman together."

To which, his father said "Yes".

For those who don't know, Ironman is the toughest triathlon ever. The race encompasses three endurance events of a 2.4 mile (3.86 kilometer) ocean swim, followed by a 112 mile (180.2 kilometer) bike ride and ending with a 26.2 mile (42.195 kilometer) marathon along the coast of the Big Island.

Father and son went on to complete the race together!

By the way, those are Rick and Dick Hoyt also known as Team Hoyt. Yes, this really happened. *sigh*

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Sad News

I just found out from a friend that the mom of my ex passed away. I know we have not spoken in a while but I felt really bad to hear about this. His mom was very nice and very thoughtful. She has shown me nothing but kindness during the brief moment that I was in a relationship with his son. I know she is now with our Creator in Paradise.

Please say a prayer for her soul. Please also say a prayer for the family that she has left behind, especially her spouse. I am sure he is devastated right now. My ex is a thousand miles away in Germany taking his PhD, I hope that he is handling this well.

Daily Dose

I had a very busy day today. I was almost nonstop from morning 'til night! Nonetheless, it was a beautiful day.

I had a great time teaching again today. I like the feeling of seeing my students improve every single day. I want them all to learn and to pass the subject. I hope they will really try harder. There is soh much fulfillment in seeing a student do new things that before he could not do or was afraid to do. *sigh*

I also had to meet with my favorite thesis group. They are my favorite for two reasons, first, I think they work hard and second, their topic is part of my dissertation and DOST project. I thought it was a fun meeting that we had. In between that meeting I also received good news. I hope everything really works out.

During my lull time i was able to visit the site of Chico Garcia ! i have missed Rush Hour soh much! I mean I find Delle and Chico really funny plus the Rushers and their entries are also too funny! :) It's nice that Chico compiles the Top Ten entries on his blog and I get to read them even months after the Top Ten happened. I found the possible titles for Manny Pacquiao and Sylvester Stallone's movie funny! I found these to be hilarious:
1. Pac You
2. Buksingin Mo Ako Lalaking Matapang (Akin Ka Balboa) *wahahah* Sorry, I still find it hilarious up to now! :)
3. Mani at Rambu-tan (Para Sa'yo ang Mubing Ito)
4. Get Ready to Rambo


Seriously nuts! :)

After reading this, I had to get to class again and as I was walking to my class, alone, mind you, I had this big smile pasted on my lips and when no one was looking I was still laughing! *hahaha* The titles were crazy!!! Crazy I tell you! :)

As if these were not enough, I also have the Lord to thank for my wonderful nonacad class. I have the most fun block in my nonacad class! :) I love them! They will make anything fun. I supply activities that are meant to allow them to have fun but if the block had a snooty attitude they will not work even if I brought with me Time Zone! I love that they are soh game.

After my class I had a meeting where we discussed the questions for the exam. They loved the problem that I contributed. They said it was a very cute problem. *yey* Thank You Lord, I know You have much to do with that! *wink*

Anyway to cap off my day I had a nice bible study session. I really need all the guidance and I think all the sessions help. :)

Thank You Lord, today I felt your hug not just from the outside but from the inside as well.

Thank You.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


I know this is cheesy and unoriginal but this pretty much sums up all that I am feeling right now:

Heart, don't fail me now!
Courage, don't desert me!
Don't turnback
Now that we're here
People always say
Life is full of choices
No one ever mentions fear!
Or how a road can seem so long
How the world can seem so vast
Courage see me through
Heart I'm trusting you

This is from the song Journey to the Past. Not really going anywhere, am staying here in the present, nonetheless, I need to be strong for what is ahead.

Day is going A-ok so far!

Thank You Lord. :)

Messed Up

I really did not get to do much today because I had to cram for my paper *haha*! It's not because I did not start early, it's just that the paper was too long. The next readings are even longer... argh... I got another 4.0 today! *yehey* I know it does not matter if, I'm an auditing student but it still feels good to get affirmations every once in a while.

We discussed about emotions again tonight. Apparently, those people who get uprooted from their source of support have problems regulating emotions... I can soh relate to this. *sigh*

I have nothing much to say tonight really. I do not know why. Perhaps it's because I spent most of the day reading and writing a paper. I feel unready to sleep yet and yet it's already early in the morning. My sleeping habit is all messed up and so is this entry and sadly, these are not all in my list of messed up things...

Good night!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Just a Quick One

I have a really thick paper to read! Arggh... I just finished with the other thick paper and I can feel my eye lids falling. :) Yet, I find time to blog. This is really very addictive and therapeutic. Wow, oxymoron.

I had a great time teaching today! I mean, I seriously enjoyed my lectures. :) How vain of me I know *hehe*. I had fun because I think I am getting through to them. Thank God! I hope they will practice more on their own so they can finally get it. Teaching computer programming is like teaching toddlers how to walk. It's really a very emotional process for me. It embodies all the nice and horrible things that teaching offers.

I have so many things that I need to do, the list goes on and on, but I have much to be happy about so I must not complain.

Thank You Lord.

Now going back to that paper...

Sunday, October 11, 2009



Thank You Lord for providing me ideas tonight. After I took a bath, ideas came rushing in. I guess, this is a way of telling me to take a bath before I start working too. :)

I am so relieved that I was able to prepare a presentation for tomorrow for the mock DOST presentation. I was also able to think of a COMPRO exam programming problem on 1-D arrays. I was really having great difficulty thinking of a problem. Whew! I came up with the problem while I was hearing mass. Thank You Lord!!!

A man from Mindanao who also belongs to the group Mamamayan Ayaw sa Aerial Spray spoke during the mass. He was asking for support so that we will sign a petition. They are being sprayed with pesticide through the aerial spraying that was being done by plantations in Davao. I think this is really terrible. Some of the residents that got sprayed on lost their eyesight, some got skin diseases, who knows what other harmful effect the pesticides have? My sister said she will boycott the company that does this. I am yet to find out about the companies who use this. I tried looking for them on the Net but I did not get anything. I hope they will really fix this problem. This violates the Clean Air and Clean Water Act!

After mass we went straight to the mall to have dinner. Guess where? Joey Pepperoni. I know I told myself I will not return for a while but my sister requested that we dine there. I had All You Can Eat Pasta. I had two plates. I swear I felt soh guilty afterwards! I should not have eaten that much! Anyway, their service was fast at least in my experience, I had only two plates. My brother had three and he said the third plate took forever to arrive. You might be wondering why I was not there, that's because my sister and I decided to scoot after finishing our two plates. We really needed to walk off the food. I know, like that can happen *haha!*. We can wish, can't we? My sister's 2nd plate was carbonara and it was terrible according to her. My brother and mom tried it too and they too were displeased. So word to the wise, do not order carbonara. :) Meat sauce is not excellent but definitely better.

Their service improved but if you ask me, I would still go for Sbarro. I mean their pasta tastes great! I think I am saying this because I do not really eat as much as my brother. Half an order is already good for me at Sbarro! :)

Before eating, we dropped by the Marian exhibit and marveled at all the different images of Mama Mary. It's October, universally known as the month of the Holy Rosary after all. :) I should try to say the Holy Rosary this month. It has been a while. I used to say it everyday. What happened?



Got a deadline tomorrow and I need to write something but nothing is coming. All I have is a flat line. My brain has not been most cooperative lately. I really should start observing correct sleeping habit. Argh... I feel like i know what I need to write but I cannot seem to begin.

I feel like an empty vessel floating in the sea, not knowing where to go. I really need direction badly. Maybe I just need focus. I might already have a direction but I am not focusing. Must...

Must think of a reason why I am doing this. When I have that, this should all make sense.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Against the Tide

I just finished reading Time Traveler's Wife and I found the book nice. It took me such a long time to finish it because books that interested me more kept on coming, books such as Like Water for Chocolate, Man's Search for Meaning among others. Finally, I have given it the time that it deserves and somehow in between reading it and putting it down, it has grown on me.

I enjoyed the love story immensely. It was mostly about waiting and defying time. I have never been good at waiting but hopefully, with all the things that have happened to me already I have learned a thing or two about waiting.

I now wait for what the future holds. I wait with faith and with hope.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

I Am Loved!

Today marks my first bible study session this trimester. I have to look after two groups. I was actually hesitant in accepting a group, because of the things that are going on in my life. However, the head, who also happens to be one of my spiritual advisers told me that there is not enough people. I even have to take two groups this term. So I did.

Tonight we discussed Romans 3-4. I love, love these two chapters because this is really what I need right now. The chapters assure me that the Lord loved me first. Even before I was born He loved me. He is willing to forgive me all my grievances, all I have to do is have faith. All this time, I was feeling inadequate, the chapters assured me, we all are inadequate. We are all sinners but because of His grace, His greatest gift, Jesus Christ, we have all been forgiven. Truly, the Lord is soh loving.

I also love the gospel today. The gospel said, if somebody knocks on your door tonight and asks for food because he had visitors would you give him food? Even if you think at first that you do not want to give, if the guy persists, would you not eventually give him food? So much more your Father. If you sinners can give food to those in need, how much more I? Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. :)

I love it.

Beat It


Michael Jackson beatboxing!!!

I accidentally posted this to my other blog!!! I was that excited!

Musings of the Unamused

I just saw Fame tonight and it is really amazing how the movement of the human body, the sound of a voice can touch your soul. I am being my sappy self again haha! Can't help it! These past few days, I have been too contemplative to not be oversentimental. We have been waiting for this movie and it did not disappoint me. I saw dance, I saw art, I really wanted to jump off my seat and dance *haha*! Thank God I still have some restraint left in me. Who would have thought right?!

My sister was a bit disappointed that they did not sing Fame in the movie but I thought it was alright. The songs they plugged in were good. Fame is a tad bit dated and no amount of revision will make it up to date. Sadly. It's still my favorite Videoke song though. :)

A part of the movie struck me the most though. That part where one of the characters defined success. Success is to love what you are doing, who you are working with, knowing that you are making a difference, an impact in other people's lives. To love what you do to the point that you fly out of the door to do what you do. This thought led me to introspection. I had to ask myself if I love what I do. Actually, I do but due to some personal issues, what I do seems to have taken a backseat but starting tomorrow, I am rekindling the passion. I love it that I can touch people's lives. I love it that they acknowledge that too. I forgot to post here, I got the 2008 Students Search for Outstanding Teacher. *beams* I was not expecting this at all... Apparently, if you give what you do so much love, the love comes back. I hope I am still as good as they expect me to be, lately, I have not been giving a hundred percent of me. I have been distracted and it sucks that some parts of my professional life has to suffer. It has got to stop tomorrow.

I was discussing stress in one of the nonacademic classes ( I always have three and then I get two sections of academic load) my schedule is more manageable this way plus I really enjoy these nonacad classes. Anyway, I was discussing stress and one of my students wrote something that for me is a cry for help. This is not the first time this has happened though. I will talk to her very soon.

On the brighter side of things, I took a side trip to Hush Puppies and purchased comfy but cute pair of black heels that I can wear to class. They're not the super glam type but hey, they are comfy. I think I can stroll around the mall in them. Yup, that comfy! :) I will still get my Esprit shoes repaired because I really love them and they are still in pristine condition. I gave them to my mom first for safe keeping. :)

I know these past few days I have been asking about meaning and existence. I have decided to make it more simple for me. I have decided to make my own bucket list. I think we all should make one. This way, I know I cannot hit the bucket yet because i have not done the following yet.

1. See my grandchildren and regale them of stories of my past
2. Go to France and really experience romance.
3. Explore beaches.
4. Join Amazing Race Asia *haha!* like they'd take me! Hey, this is my bucket list let me be with my imagination.
5. Go on an African Safari.
6. Go to Russia.

This is all I have for now. Will add more next time.

This bucket list made me smile a big smile this week. Frankl is right, future makes you want to live in the here and now, now matter how dreary it may be. I am exaggerating of course, my here and now is not as dreary as the others but I have definitely been better. Still, in this world, all things come to pass. This too, will come to pass. In the meantime, I have my bucket list to hold on to.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Random Rants and Raves

I am still in the middle of my work day but I find a need to blog as I am overcome with nostalgia for my younger years. Oh, how I wish I can turn back time so I can enjoy my youth. I am not even thirty yet and hear me talk much about regret. I wonder if I am where the Lord wants me to be. I wonder if all that has happened are things He really wants me to go though. If this is still all tapestry of His great plan.

This morning, I was a bit frustrated because the other morning when I presented to my class the topic on pointers I really thought (because they were so convincing) that they really understand pointers already. Lo, and behold, this morning I gave them a very easy exam and a lot of them did poorly. *wah!* I had to explain again this morning. I gave them assignments and exercises that they can sink their teeth into. I am hoping they will really try to practice. I am still hopeful. I find pointers very fun! I hope that they will also be able to appreciate them. I mean they are intimidating at first but eventually, when they get the hang of it, I am sure they will do great!

Since the typhoon, i have been fixated to Facebook. I keep on checking for updates. You cannot blame me, it can really get you hooked, why with all the videos people are sharing that are sometimes funny, amusing or tear-inducing... I remember the You Can Let Go Now Daddy video. That almost made me cry. I have also tried Farm Town, it was fun for a few days but now it has gotten old. I am not playing Fashion Wars anymore as I find it boring now. I am glad too because I have not been doing a lot of productive work since then.

I better start reading one of the papers in my PhD class. I got a 4.0 on my first paper. Which does not matter much because I am an auditing student *haha!*. Still, it makes me happy! I'm soh shallow!!! :)

I also got in touch with one of my friends today. It was so nice to hear from her after such a long time! I hope we can have a nice long chat because I have so much to tell her and so many pictures to share as well. *sinister laugh*

My favorite Esprit shoes quit on me today. I am hoping I can still get them fixed because I love, love them. I remember when I first saw them in Hong Kong, I just could not leave without them. I think I had to borrow from my little sister just so I can afford them *haha!*. I was running out of cash and I did not want to change my dollars anymore. :) I really have to get them fixed. It's a good thing, my ridiculously priced heels are here in my cubicle and they did not get wet when the university was flooded. The flood did not get into my cubicle thank goodness and very nice people placed the stuff on our desks.

Thank you so much for saving my stuff! :)

This is all for now...

I know I keep on saying goodbye but I just remembered... I am excited about something tonight! I am watching Fame tonight *yey*!!! :)


i have read some of my entries from the past and I just realized how sloppy my blogs have become. I used to really pause for a while and organize my thoughts, now I just rant and rave without thinking about structure. I really must fix this problem.

I took a trip down memory lane and it is quite surprising how things really do not end up as one plans. Sometimes we feel like we know what is in store and yet years later, you find out that all there was was an illusion. Is the illusion of a future but an incentive for us to keep on trudging on to the unknown? I know you might say I am still not over Frankl but it really makes me think. Did I convince myself to conjure up all those thoughts just so I can march on to what they call "future"? Did I sabotage my own future because of this illusion? Was it then that I had an illusion or is it now? Did I sabotage my future then or am I sabotaging it now? Such are my questions. i do not have answers and I will not even pretend to know the answers. Reading my past blogs made me realize how useless it is to pretend to have answers when we really do not have an idea what they are.

In the meantime, I have my here and now and so I shall focus on this. I know that the Lord's hands will hold me and He will never let go no matter how much I try to evade His love for me.

Good night everyone! I still have five hours to sleep. I hope the Sandman visits me as soon as I close my eyes.