Monday, October 31, 2011

Saturday, October 29, 2011


I miss having a hand to hold. I miss my hand being held. i miss having a hand search for my hand. I miss being wanted. I miss being assured every single day without my bidding. I miss having someone to lean against. I miss being pulled close in an embrace. I miss being longed for. I miss being able to stare into somebody's eyes and seeing myself in delight. I miss feeling warm lips against mine. I miss being wanted. I miss being acknowledged. I miss being somebody's world.

Missing all these make me feel I am missing out on life. I have to stop missing these because life is right in front of me happening. It is not going to wait.

I have to move on, regardless whether I will ever have all that I am missing. I trudge on, wandering listlessly hoping and dreaming.

I dream of being able to dream aloud with another. I dream of staring in the same direction and painting the same picture. I dream of long conversations in silence. I dream of a lifetime of love and laughter and adventure. Others are able to find it, I hope I can too. I want beyond what I miss. I want my dream.

I look around now and I wonder where do I go from here?

Sent from my iPod

Friday, October 28, 2011

Le Sick

Is me.

I just saw my All Laser Lasik Surgery video.

What the hell was I thinking subjecting myself to such a risky operation?!

They cut a flap on my eye and used a metal stick to lift it. That flap
could have torn or there could have been folds and stuff and then that
would have messed things up. I am not saying the doctors were
careless... I am saying many things could have gone wrong. I thank the
Lord because of my recovery. I was praying as I went through the
entire harrowing experience.

I am glad and grateful that my eyes are doing okay according to the
doctor. I can now go back to my usual activities save for swimming. I
have put on my eye cream again... It has been seven days since I last
used it and I can really feel the lack of moisture taking its toll...
Vanity again.

I also found out today that I can still sky dive and scuba dive and
expose myself in high pressure areas even after Lasik. Initially, I
thought they were going to put in lenses in my eyes but apparently,
they just laser the lens of my eyes to fix the refraction.

I could see fear in my eyes as the machine did its thing. I squirmed
as I saw the metal apparatuses on on my eyes and how they treated my
eyes as though it were some sturdy object... Those are my eyes!!!

If I saw a video like this before I had my eyes done, I would never go
through with it...

So far I have just been experiencing drying of the eyes, which I
expected. I hope it does not worsen though... Apart from that, I think
I am okay. I still see some halos when I look at the light directly
but other than that I am fine.

I am delighted by the clearness of things and the fact that I need not
remove my lenses and wear eye glasses. I can take a bath and see my
body parts *info overshare*, I can plank and do other mat exercises
and not have my eye glasses falling off my face. I cannot wait to run!

Hmm... I think I will invite my sister to run this Sunday so she can
also prepare for her HSBC run. :)

Thursday, October 27, 2011


There was a time when it was not tack to write down too many too
mention but then that was a time when very few things were considered
tacky... Like... Hmm... I am sure there were a few things but there
isn't a single one coming to me now. Blame it on the memory... or
perhaps the lack of taste *relatively!* back when I was young.

A lot has happened to me the past few days. I had my first ever trip
to Vietnam. I am not sure when the next one will be but I am darn sure
it will be for a business trip again because otherwise I will not go
and visit again. I found myself cooped up in one place most of the
time. Their city is nice but then again, I am not that big a fan of
cities... except New York City but that is understandable. :)

I had my Lasik Surgery after I got back from Vietnam and that got me
consumed. Also, I had to finish my machine project in my online class
at Stanford U. Ack... That ate my time. Big time. Now I have another
one. I hope I can do this faster because I have to get back to my
dissertation. I want to kick myself already. I have this feeling that
this should not be as hard as I am making it look. I am just
sensationalizing this and I am hating myself for it.

I am happy I do not have to wear glasses anymore and that the first
thing that I see in the morning is the picture of clarity. That and of
course everything in disarray but clear disarray mind you not the
blurry botch of mixed palette of colors. Happiness!

I went and had my surgery alone. I got into a taxi and got home alone
and most people scolded me because they said I should have asked
somebody to come with me. I did not want to inconvenience another
person and besides I figured whomever I bring along will just freak
and it will not help my nerves either. Besides, my mom did take
herself to the hospital to deliver all three of her children.

I really have to work double time... I do not like the idea but I have
to *heheheh!*.

Thank You dear Lord for a basketful of sweet goodies yesterday. They
made my day. They were so good. :) Thank You for always keeping me
safe and also my loved ones. Thank You for surrounding me with so much

I pray that I may be able to go back to my normal routine very soon
because I can feel my body fat sneaking up on me already. That and the
aging process is beginning to get to me... Arrgh!!!

Then again, I am happy. I guess that is what matters at the end of the
day. That and the number of people I have made happy. Which reminds
me... I do not think the number of the latter is that high yet.

I better sleep. Will try to work on the machine project tomorrow and
get my eyes checked. It has been a week since my Lasik procedure. I
hope everything is fine. I hope both eyes are still 20/20. :)

Monday, October 10, 2011


Good morning sa inyo...

My morning was beautiful... sweet, creamy, chilly, chocolatey hehehe...

Thank You Lord for the surprise. It made my morning. I also appreciate another sweet surprise midweek.

Thoughtfulness has always made me smile like crazy. Thank You Lord for making my heart smile. :)

Sent from my iPod

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

At Peace

I am strangely at peace today. Perhaps it's because it's the feast day of St. Francis of Asissi or maybe the Lord has finally answered my prayer.

Thank You for this gift.

Sent from my iPod

Monday, October 03, 2011


I have just enrolled in and had my first class in one of the online
courses at Standford University. I have been following the professor
for a while now via iTunesU and I am glad I enrolled because it really
gives me a feel of an actual lecture class with recitation and quizzes
haha!!! So far I am doing well. I had two quizzes already. I had to
recall my Calculus. Gah! I think I need to read Leithold TC7 again. :)

Can you tell I am excited? We just did linear regression today and
gradient descent (and how this works if used for linear regression). I
do not teach this in class but maybe I should perhaps this would help
them understand other concepts in machine learning more particularly
global optimum/minimum, convergence, and why in the world we use
functions. I only hope I can find time to religiously follow the
classes. :) If not, I always have iTunesU but the materials online are
guhreat! I signed up for an advanced class so there will be
programming classes. Their classes are more algorithmic and
mathematical and I am used to applied ones. I hope I survive! :)