Friday, December 18, 2009


What makes an individual act against what one really wants. As in deep down inside it is what you want and yet you act against it? Is it a Messianic complex thinking that if this person displeases oneself, it will be for the greater good? I am trying to dissect this phenomenon because it has happened to me and you see... at the end of the day, it did no one, as in no one any good.

I wonder if this happens to other people too... It is frustrating, infuriating and mind-boggling for after all, was it not Freud who said we never act by virtue of altruism? It is always for reasons of self-preservation. I think I have witnessed this many times in my life to be able to really say that yes, I find this very true.

So, I wonder, what was it that pushed me to do what deep inside I knew I did not want? Is it a history of not getting what I want and still getting by? Is it pure sheer misconceived notion of convenience? Is it a history of being a doormat? Is it because I was just not thinking or was it a case of overdoing thinking? I have been asking myself these questions for a while now because really, this has changed the course of my life forever and I cannot even, for the life of me, figure out the answer to this very simple question.


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