Saturday, December 18, 2004

A Night to Remember

Last December 11, I had my turn to be in the spotlight, to be onstage the Meralco Theater, where I once saw Lea Salonga perform live. I had my turn in our musical, Bisperas ng Pasko. Wow. Nothing compares to the feeling of being in front of an audience in such a classy venue. I did not have stage fright at all... I felt adrenaline rush through me. I just wanted to perform! :) Never mind that the mic was not working perfectly at times, never mind that I was exhausted, what mattered was that I was doing finally something that I really love. The costume changes was enthrilling, the pressure sent chills down my spine. The three month worshop was definitely well worth it. That night a part of me was indulged. I loved the feeling. I hope to do this again soon! :)

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Everyday's Exodus

Wouldn't it be wonderful if there were escape panels and trap doors to use whenever you are caught up in a situation that you don't want to handle anymore? There are times when I just want to crawl under a big rock and not come out for days and days... Literally get petrified so nobody would notice I am even there.

Below are some moments these past few days when I wanted to just go kapoof vanish into thin air never to emerge again until some cute guy really comes along and is worth showing myself to, haha... Okay, I am in a better mood now because the wonderful thing about life is, though there are times when you want to just vanish, all hardships come to pass. I heard mass today and this was the homily of the priest... No matter how difficult the time is in your life, just wait and it will all come to pass... For all you know another person has experienced what you are going through now and they made it. People commit suicide never knowing that a few months later things will be so much better...

I was asked by my students the other day what my darkest moment in life was, and I could not think of anything. But I do remember wanting to take my life in the past for some reason I can't even remember anymore. There are times when one can think of no solution but then again there are problems that we cannot solve, we just let them come to pass... like a broken heart. A very wise Brother told me once, when you are down there are four things that you should do:

1. Isolate yourself
2. Think of what went wrong, what did you do or did not do
3. Find out who your friends are
4. Come up with a plan and execute it
Anyway here are some moments in the week when I just felt like I wanted to evaporate:
1. Getting stuck in Divisoria on a rainy Saturday afternoon dressed in my fave pants and Nike strap sandals

My friend ask me to come along in her quest for a wedding because I was her bridesmaid and I also needed a gown. I thought we were going to a mall or some other place so I dressed casually and not thinking of the black mud that was to come. I have not seen this friend in a while and she was bringing along with her some of my other high school friends and her fiance so naturally, I wanted to look presentable. Well surprise of all surprises she led me to Divisoria, in my sandals and light colored pants we braved the overpopulated alleys of Divisoria. After I got into one of the stalls that was really crammed up... we spent hours waiting for my friend to choose a gown, only to find out that her mom will later on have a disagreement with the store owner and that we will have to start over again in another stall. Our exodus was even more difficult and frustrating than our getting into Divisoria. It was a perilous journey, it was a seemingly never ending evasion of umbrellas, lit cigarettes, hands, puddles, it is in times like that when I wish I were in Mario's World and can get into some pipe to get to where I am going... Anyway to cut it short I thankfully found myself in a jeepney stop and found my way in my unit... I got cleaned up and got ready for my workshop that I was by the way, already late for.

2. Being stuck in traffic for one hour and then get informed that the meeting has been cancelled already

I was in my car practicing for a rehearsal when my co-actor tells me that the practice has been postponed. Great. I had to get stuck in traffic all over again so I can go home. That was a major bummer. I was more mad than frustrated actually.

3. Publishing a difficult question in the exam that was a tad difficult than what the other teachers hoped for

They did not like it because it was tricky which they approved anyway but when the exam day came all fingers were at me...

4. Having a fight with my ex

Need I elaborate on this one?

Oh well, I guess we experience things like these every now and then and I am glad that when we do they all come to pass. Everyday is an exodus I guess, and this makes life extraordinary. Isn't it nice that though we walk in different paths we are all trying to do the same thing? Run away.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

When I Grow Up I Want to Be...

I have always been a confused kid. I did not know what I wanted to take up when I got into college. I wanted to be a newscaster but I did not want to take up mass communication for fear that I might not get a stable job. I opted instead to take up computer science, a really difficult course but back then it was a choice that promised a stable job. Hmm... back then...

Now, three years after graduation I am thinking again... Am I where I want to be? It is a bit funny though because even after the course work for my master's degree and pending thesis, I am still unsure of what I want. After all these years, I never stopped to reconsider. Thinking I do not have a choice, that it was too late, that I just had to keep on trudging towards a future I will have to learn to enjoy. Not anymore. I refuse to go on wondering what might have been. I might be a bit late but not too late for me to not even try. So did I quit my job? Of course not. I am not that crazy! Gradually, I am trying once again the things that I used to enjoy but stopped doing to give way to things that I deemed "important" simply because they were work related. I can have plenty of time for other things, it is just a matter of priority and time handling.

I have tried out for a news reporter job, I have enrolled myself in an acting workshop, I have sung two songs in a bar, I will be acting on the biggest stage here in our country. I am a lector, a skater, a swimmer, a teacher, a student, a member of the community. I want it all, I do. I think we can all have what we want, if only there were not so many people thinking that we cannot. If only people will not stop you and tell you, you have to choose. Why is it that kids are always asked what they want to be when they grow up? Why are they always limited to just one choice? But to heck with them, doing what they do not want me to do justifies my cause more. I want to learn how to play the piano, to paint, and oh so many other things. Then I stop again, is this really what life is all about?

What if after doing all the things I wanted to do I still feel empty inside. What will it be after that? I wonder... In the meantime, let me do the things I enjoy the most, perhaps after all these I will know what I want to do, where I will find meaning in life.