Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Power to Hurt

Last Sunday, he was going to drop by the unit after he drives his parents to the terminal however, my mom and my sis were still at the condo and so he chose not to drop by anymore. I understood that it was already late at night and my mom would probably not love him for dropping by at that time of night. Yeah, my brain understood but not my cheating emotions that knows no logic. I was disappointed. Very disappointed.

I guess I was not only disappointed. At the back of my mind, I was still wondering about the argument that we had last Wednesday. I was wondering if he took my negative reaction to heart. I was wondering if I tarnished our perfect relationship. I was wondering if I have blown everything again.

I have blown it alright... I have blown it out of proportions.

Sunday night, I was soh depressed that I cried. Come Monday, a colleague approached me asking if I cried. Yup!!! My eyes were that swollen. I did not want to keep it inside that Sunday night and so I talked to *** and informed him of my apprehensions. He did tell me before of wanting transparency. I did not understand why I was being such a baby about the whole thing myself... I bet he was beginning to think I was a psycho from a mental institution.

He patiently explained to me that he was not at all bothered by the discussion that we had last Wednesday. He assured me that my weight has not changed anything between us, in fact he does not think I was fat. Yes. I told him about that too. I mean if I wanted to bring things into the open, I might as well bring that up. I love him for patiently answering my questions, for lovingly assuring me and for doing it over and over again until finally I felt better. We both slept at 3am.

I know I was unreasonable but I was really depressed. It was a major PMS if you ask me.

Monday night, I was soh sad again but I did not want to bother him anymore. I thought he needed his sleep but I cried again that night. I slept with Proxy, the bear he gave me. Though my mom has instructed me not to hug that bear anymore, I knew I would go crazy if I did not hug that bear that night. I really missed him.

Tuesday night he said he was going to visit me and he did, but it took him a long time before he did and I almost thought he wasn't going to come anymore. I understand that he had a lot of work at the office and given the long weekends, he's got to finish a lot of deadlines but I guess my brain just refuses to understand when I have hormonal imbalance.

He texted me:

Sorry baby, something came up.

I felt myself grow cold with anger and disappointment. I already had food delivered and I really waited for him. I hate waiting, especially if I am doubting if the person is really going to show up.

He texted again:

ME! Please open the door, I am already here.

And he was.

I should have been joyous but I was not.

I was disappointed that he did not even text me when I have asked several times whether he was coming or not.

I got hurt because he knew how much I was wanting to see me and I felt he exploited that feeling.

Or is it my fear of getting hurt kicking in. I love him soh much and I know that gives him the power to hurt me.

He confessed that he wanted it to be a pleasant surprise.

I was too fragile for it I guess.

I cried again last night. Arrgghh!!! I have become the girl I have always loathed.

He was very amiable that night and he really explained to me again, so lovingly that he would never say he'd be there when he's not going to make it. He also emphasized that he has never disappointed me in any way and that I should never have doubted him. Nonetheless I cried and I was also as cold as could be for quite some time. He was awfully sweet that I finally melted in his arms. It was sweet making up too!

I love him. I do. So why do I punish him so?

I feel better tonight. Maybe because I got to see him last night. Maybe because I was soh busy tonight to even worry.

I have to trust what we have.

Thank you for being strong baby.

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