Eden

I have been here before
But somehow today is different
More vibrant are the flowers' colors
Bluer is the sky above
More fragrant is the air I breathe
It must be you standing here beside me
Embracing me with your love
Whispering tender words to keep me warm

Meet the Family

Last Tuesday I had to go pick up something at Ortigas. I texted my friend working in Makati if she wanted to meet up. She said she had to run some errands. Very unusual, she rarely declines.

I got my check and went to Shangri-la. Texted Cherie who works near the place. Told her I was at Shang. She said okay. So I guess she was going to do something else too. I strolled for a bit and then went back to Taft. Upon seeing McDonald's I got hungry though it was just 5pm at the time. I ate already.

I was planning to go to my unit already when a student started walking along with me. I could not go to my unit coz I don't want him to know where I live so I walked to Gox instead. I ended up booting my computer and using my YM. My co faculty members invited me to an early dinner too but I had to decline since I have had dinner five minutes before they invited me.

*** told me days before that it was his sister's birthday but I did not think that he wanted to tell me anything other than that. That night, he told me that his ate texted him that she was treating them to a dinner. He asked me if I wanted to come... My heart stopped! I just prayed for this at the Pink Sisters in Tagaytay last Monday (should be a different entry).

The dinner went well... He really took care of me. From the moment we stepped out of the car to meet everyone he really was behind me. Before we got into the restaurant we had to walk on an island, i was wearing stilettos and I slipped but he caught my fall. This was the highlight of my evening hehe!

He has a beautiful family. His father is so gwapo and tizoy! They were nice, his cousins were especially fun! I am glad i have met him. He says I am the first girl he ever introduced to his family. Of course I was deeply touched by this. I asked him, "First? So there's going to be a second?" he said,"No. You're the first and you'll be the last.". Wow. Really sweet words. Every bone in my body wishes that this were true.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled"

I was getting eaten up by my insecurities the other day until early yesterday. I was really down in the dumps because I found out about this girl from the States...

I know I should not be snooping in her Friendster page. I should not even be thinking of her anymore since he assured me that they don't talk to each other anymore and that he already chose me. Maybe it's just me and my inability to compete with others because when I begin to compare I always feel so small. Small is an understatement. Needless to say but I'm saying it anyway, I have issues. (Have you ever wondered how needless the word needless is? I mean if it's needless why say it at all?)

I found out that she is a very outgoing person who can cook and play tennis and play the piano. She seems to me like a really fun person. She happens to be a graduate of Mechanical Engineering who happens to be smart and pretty. She got a poem, flowers and stuffed toys from him. Do I sound like Bridget Jones right now? Sheesh... pathetic I know. To sum it all up, she seemed like an almost perfect person and if I were a guy I would court her too! How do I compete with that? Rather, did I really win over her? So my doubts began to take its toll and me and I slowly degenerated to a microscopic organism insignificant to the vast universe.

Thank God for my friend Cherie who happened to be taking a bath at the time I called. In spite that, she answered the phone and called me back right away. She patiently listened to my ramblings. We actually came up with a solution! Thanks friend!

The following morning, I was feeling less crappy but crappy nonetheless. My ex wanted to hear mass too so we walked to the chapel. As we were walking I told him how sick I was always feeling insecure. Yes, I was insecure with my first and second ex's exes. He told me he knew who I was comparing myself to because he has done his homework. He said I should not feel like that.

The homily was about Jesus telling the apostles to not let their hearts be troubled. The priest said the very word, "insecurities". He says no matter how many insecurities we have, we should not let our hearts be troubled. We should always trust what is right, just and true. We should look upon Jesus as our strength and trust in Him and what He gives us! After that, I was comforted. Thank you Jesus for sending me so many angels to remind me of Your love and how I should never feel inadequate.

That night he picked me up for a movie and dinner date. I felt loved and cared for with him. I could not help but thank the Lord for sending this beautiful person in my life. I thank Him for giving me another chance to love and be loved. I feel safe and secure when I am with him. I have this big smile pasted across my face every minute we are together. It's a dizzying and ecstatic feeling. Thank You for this gift. I could not help but wonder too, how in the world he chose me.

This morning I found a letter from my ex and I cried as I read it:

I don't really know why I am currently bothered. Probably it's because of what you just related to me after the mass. Somehow, seeing you drenched with insecurities has affected me and has caused a lingering ache in my heart. I cannot shrug it off no matter ho wmuch I try to. I saw him again when I went out this afternoon dressed up in office attire, probably waiting for you to coem down. I pray that you're okay. I pray that you find the bliss, self-confidence and the security that will makeyou at peace... that will also make me at peace. I pray that he be your true knight in shining armor as I expected him to be. I'm sorry for not having the courage to be by your side today. I was planning to treat you out for lunch at the Pancake House to pull up your spirits and to talk with you but somehow yet again, fate intervened. To be very honest, I don't know how to act in front of you considering the situation that we have. I hope you be honest and open enough to give me feedback, and tell me what will make you feel better.

I wish you luck. I hope you realize that my learning to accept this situation positively, tat controlling my tendency to divulge my desperate feelings is my biggest expression of how much I value you. Your strength is my strength remember? Seeing you happy makes me happy. You left a big void in my heart, and I've been doing a lot of constructive activities just to fill that void. I still think of you a lot, adn still miss you at times, but I will brave these lonely, sentimental moments for your sake. You can rest assured that I will take this stage as an opportunity for serious ntrospection and to learn and improve myself.

Rid yourself of insecurities because I don't see any good reason for you to have any. I didn't have qualms introducing you to my family because I saw in you the totality of what I've been looking for. My family easily accepted you because you're okay. You're confident, pretty, intelligent, and witty. I have loved (literally fell deeply for you) because you're passionate, compassionate, simple, appreciative, God-fearing, fun to be with, family-oriented and a natural born leader. You made me feel important and your love made me more confident of myself. Do you know how difficult it is to find women with your qualities? Somebody with that combination of beauty, brains and personality? Until now, I haven't met somebody who possesses all those that endeared you to me. I am sure *** also sees that... and and all those who tried to win your heart. So, hold your head up high, because you're one admirable adn accomplished lady. You will always have this special place in my heart...

Thank you so much for the kind words and the love. I am sorry things did not turn out as we had hoped in our relationship. I pray you will find happiness and love too. Thank you for being brave and strong. You are always in my prayers.

I do - n't think so

When there are two people in love when do they know they already have a relationship?

Is it when they kiss?
When the other person puts his arm around the other person?
First hug?
When you start calling each other using terms of endearment?

Does it matter if they both agree to commit? What does that change? Isn't that just a date to remember? Is it really just to keep count the number of days they are together? Surely it does not assure them both that they will stay together because I know of so many cases where you have a commitment to each other and still one of two starts cheating. Does it really help that they have a commitment or does it just further complicate things? Is it just a pass to be more intimate with one another? To demand more of each other?

Is it more comfortable if you just leave things to be and see what happens? No frills. No demands. Just plain old sweetness. You know you are sweet to one another because you choose to and not because it's an obligation. You choose to date just this one person because you really want him and him alone. You want to spend time with the person because you can't stand not being with each other not because you are obliged to or because you are afraid that the person might feel unloved. Will the relationship make you more lax? Isn't a relationship without a commitment more exciting? Does it not keep you on your toes?

Am I just rationalizing?

Am I secretly wanting a commitment from you?

I have to be in the now. I just have to enjoy what I have right now. Life is not complicated, we are just thinking beings who happen to complicate things. Does that make sense?

My Last Three Days...

Friday
I experienced the most horrible course card distribution (not counting the time when a parent came to see me)! I explained to students why they failed for four long hours. I was digging my records and looking at their document and putting up with bratty kids who were bigger than me. I hate course card distributions! They're emotionally, mentally and physically draining. Nothing feels as pardon the term, shitty as looking a student in the eye and telling them that they failed. I should know how they feel because I was a student too. Technically, I still am! :) Thank God I survived that nightmare of a day! I was actually hoping that after that long and horrible day my prince will come. He wanted to but he had a teambuilding to go to and it was to be at Pansol, Laguna. In fairness to him, he called me twice for 15 minutes per call? He really made his presence felt as if to say, don't worry I'm here for you and I was glad he was.

Saturday
He called me up early in the morning to tell me he was back to civilization and really wanting to see me. He wanted to drive straight to my place... but I had somewhere else to go at 9am. I told him we could not see each other that day because he had to go to Bulacan for his grandmother's wake and I was to go to a date with a female friend.

The date went well... I learned a lot.
When you love you don't count, you just do.
You look after the welfare of the other.
Life is not a big waiting room.
It's okay to give.
Life is indeed beautiful.
God gave us a promise and He is keeping it every single day.

My friend and I heard mass but most of the day was spent shopping for a gift for a goddaughter. I enjoyed looking at the little shoes, little toys, little clothes and wished silently I were shopping for my own kid. hehe! :) He called several times to make sure we were getting the right stuff... It was as though he were there because he kept on calling.

Sunday

Finally, we saw each other! I was not even decided yet on what to wear for the Christening of his new goddaugher so I put on a jacket. He was standing outside my door with a big smile on his face. I did not even notice the breakfast he had in his hand. He said you better have breakfast first. He is the sweetest being able to remember my classic breakfast order. He picked out a blouse that I can wear because I asked him to. :)

After the Christening, we went to Greenbelt to hear mass and then saw the movie, The Wedding Date. We had dinner at Bubba Gump's, went home and hung out some more. My mom and my sister were still there so they talked to us for a while and then left. My brother was there but he was busy with something.

Each day spent with this person is just amazing and there are times when I would just silently thank the Lord for sending him to me. Out of so many people the Lord sent him to me. What a gift! I pray that He will bless our friendship because I really like this beautiful person he gifted me with. When I'm with him I know everything's okay. When he smiles at me, I feel a cool breeze of air on my cheeks.

Ice cream with cherry on top!

I am happy to report that he has updated his Friendster account. I am unhappy to say though, that I had to tell him that I was sad the other night because I saw his account and I saw them again. When I close my eyes I see them and I could not take it anymore.

He apologized profusely and said that he was planning for the longest time to take out those pictures. He promised to take them out that night and he did. He called me several times that day to make sure I was no longer sad. It took a while before I got over it as it always takes me but I appreciate the effort of him trying his best to make me laugh and make me unsad. I think we talked for twenty minutes each time he called. He is so very sweet! I don't know what I did in the past but I must have done something right in this life to deserve a sweet guy like him hehe :) okay he's a demo version still. :) I have not seen so many flaws yet... well nothing I cannot live with.

We saw each other last night, he wanted to watch a movie but he was coming from a basketball game and I didn't want him exhausted so we just stayed home and hung out. We had food delivered. I was cleaning up when he grabbed the plates again and said he was going to do the dishes. I was stopping him coz he drove all the way from the south and he just played basketball but there was no stopping this big guy hehe :) He was laughing to see other stuff in the sink. He washed those too.

He said in our conversation that he wanted to still be sweet to his wife even after he gets really old. Isn't that the dream of any girl on the planet? Still be sweet with her partner after her hair turns gray? I wish this guy is really for real!

My ex did some background check and people only had nice things to say about him. I'm not really surprised. To put cherry on top of my already yummy ice cream, my ex texted me last night:

As early as now I have been praying the novena for company keepers intended for the two of you. No joke! when you tell me your stories, I am convinced you're in good hands. You have my support, and I'm here to help and listen. You're a beautiful person and you deserve this peace and happiness. Good night my good friend. ;)
12:43am

Weird to, pero I'm really glad you have *** with you right now. I'm excited about you two ending up together. No joke! I imagine you being happy and contented, and it makes me okay.
12:33am

I am glad he said all these things. It makes everything right.

Falling and Crashing

We are talking again. Shoot me but we are again. It was plain torture for me but I really held on to my word but he caved in. When he did, I could resist no more. I did not want to hurt his feelings. Darn! Some doormat, you must be thinking.

He has e-mailed the girl that we are going out already. Hmm... I don't know how he said it but for now I guess that would do. Cherie says I should not shut him out of my life coz I might miss out on someone great. Cherie has never met this guy but I think she may be right. Why am I forcing us to drift apart just when we are just beginning to build a foundation? He shared the same opinion. He says we can still fix this but not in the way we have agreed upon. We are just hurting each other that way.

I had to agree because I was indeed miserable without him in my life. We started talking last Friday through YM and text.

After my prayer meeting last Friday I was hoping he would invite me but he never did well at least not until I was already at the SLEX. He ran out of battery and had to go to a friend's house to recharge. Fate decided not to let us meet that night.

The following day we were supposed to see each other. I was going to Alabang to go to a general assembly of the outreach committee of my apostolate when I had an accident. My rear tire exploded at SLEX and my car turned (I don't know how many times) and then hit the island. I was lucky to walk out of it unscathed and through the Lord's grace, I did not hit any other vehicle in the process. My car looks... well... you can imagine. I'd rather not describe it, it hurts too much.

I called my mom first. No answer. I called my brother. No answer. I called my mom again. Told her i got myself into an accident. She said she doesn't know exactly where I am but she will be there. I called him. Five times before he answered. He was in another room. He said he was going to come over. They all came.

My heart soared when I saw him. My muscles were shaking from the accident but I was glad he was there. I was glad I finally saw him. He offered to drive my car. He was going to leave his car in the gas station so I would not have to drive. I said no. He just convoyed with us.

My mom thought he was just too sweet.

He called me in between stoplights to check on me and to make me smile. He can be the sweetest guy!

He asked me what I was doing the following day. I told him I was attending a reunion at the Meralco Theater. It was going to be from 5pm to 11pm. He asked how I was going to get there. I told him I was going to commute. He said he doesn't want me commuting. He offered to drive me there. He made it clear though that he was just going to bring me there and pick me up. He waited for 6 long hours for me!!! We finished at 11:30 pm. My heart just melted!

We heard mass from 4:30 to 5:30 pm. He picked me up at around 2:30pm. He is such an amazing person. He did not want to come with us because he wanted me to have fun. He really just waited. I don't know how he pulled through but he did. After waiting, he was still his very cheerful self!

The following day I went to a videoke session with some faculty members. He went with us because I did not have a ride home.

I just hope this is no demo version.

Sometimes I really feel lucky he's in my life. Until I remember that girl from the States. :)

Butterfly

You say you love me. You say you want to court me. Yet the time on your watch isn't in my time zone. I have been had before. Too many times already. I will not give away my heart to someone who will just trample over it.

It's so easy for you to be nice. It's effortless for you to spend the whole day at work. Invite me to eat dinner and watch a movie. Wash my week's worth of dishes. Hangout til the wee hours listening to my ramblings. Sharing your stories. Making me laugh. How do I trust this? Are you for real? Is this some demo version? Is it just a matter of time before your blue screen of death appears?

You say you have not felt what you are feeling for the longest time. That I'm special to you. Yes, I saw you adjust your watch in front of me. Sure. Like that takes care of it. LIke that will push every fear I have in my head away. It haunts me. I tried to look away and ignore it. Believe me I have. But I know if I do, it's only a matter of time that I hate myself.

I am not a doormat.

Are you saying you like me because I am here? Because I am near, convenient and accessible? You can't court us both. You have to choose. If you are not going to choose, I will have to choose for you.

One week. We are not speaking or seeing each other for a week.

I miss you already and it hasn't even been 24 hours yet. I hate that this is happening to me. I hope you get to sort things out for yourself, for me and that other girl.

His last two messages:

It pains me not to be holding you when I know my heart beats and longs for you. It's harder to imagine not talking or seeing you when my mind keeps on thinking about you. Worst of all it's a torture of letting you go when deep down inside, you are really the one I love. But for sure that love will lead me back to you. Yess... I do love you! :)

04/17/05
2:12am

... If we're really meant to be the way we want, fate willl lead us back together no matter what. And of course I want you to be really happy. This is hard. Really hard. But I know we should take it coz in the end there's something more beautifulwe are to receive or experience. I fervently pray it's you whom I'll share it with still. :)

04/07/05
2:01am

I miss you. I know I just have to be strong. I wish you all the best and all the happiness. I am glad our paths have crossed. You are a beautiful person.

He sang this for me

Hey, there's a look in your eyes
Must be love at first sight
You were just part of a dream
Nothing more so it seemed
But my love couldn't wait much longer
Just can't forget the picture of your smile
'Cause everytime I close my eyes you come alive

The closer I get to touching you
The closer I get to loving you
Give it a time, just a little more time
We'll be together

Every little smile, that special smile
The twinkle in your eye, in a little while
Give it a time, just a little more time
So we can get closer, you and I

Then could I love you more
So much stronger than before
Why does it seem like a dream
So much more so it seems

I guess I found my inspiration
With just one smile, you take my breath away
So hold me close and say you'll stay with me now

The closer I get to touching you
The closer I get to loving you
Give it a time, just a little more time
We'll be together

Every little smile, that special smile
The twinkle in your eye, in a little while
Give it a time, just a little more time
So we can get closer, you and I...

Crashing

I have found everything in this one person.

He says he's beginning to fall out from this person from the States.

Beginning?

Yet he spends almost everyday with me?

Beginning to fall out of like or love whatever...

So is this the reason why he invited me to go to his company outing at Pangasinan?
Is this why he's so nice to me?

He treats me like I have always wanted to be treated. Things that I have played in my mind how a person I like would be like he has made into reality.

Save for one. He is not in love with me.

So shoot me if I am still hoping that he would finally like me.

Get a rusty cutter and cut my throat with it because that just might feel so much better than having to wonder when all these amazing moments will end.

I know I told myself I have had too many heartbreaks to even mind going through another one. I guess I just said that. All wounds bleed. All cause pain no matter how many you have had. It still throbs.