Saturday, April 23, 2005

"Do not let your hearts be troubled"

I was getting eaten up by my insecurities the other day until early yesterday. I was really down in the dumps because I found out about this girl from the States...

I know I should not be snooping in her Friendster page. I should not even be thinking of her anymore since he assured me that they don't talk to each other anymore and that he already chose me. Maybe it's just me and my inability to compete with others because when I begin to compare I always feel so small. Small is an understatement. Needless to say but I'm saying it anyway, I have issues. (Have you ever wondered how needless the word needless is? I mean if it's needless why say it at all?)

I found out that she is a very outgoing person who can cook and play tennis and play the piano. She seems to me like a really fun person. She happens to be a graduate of Mechanical Engineering who happens to be smart and pretty. She got a poem, flowers and stuffed toys from him. Do I sound like Bridget Jones right now? Sheesh... pathetic I know. To sum it all up, she seemed like an almost perfect person and if I were a guy I would court her too! How do I compete with that? Rather, did I really win over her? So my doubts began to take its toll and me and I slowly degenerated to a microscopic organism insignificant to the vast universe.

Thank God for my friend Cherie who happened to be taking a bath at the time I called. In spite that, she answered the phone and called me back right away. She patiently listened to my ramblings. We actually came up with a solution! Thanks friend!

The following morning, I was feeling less crappy but crappy nonetheless. My ex wanted to hear mass too so we walked to the chapel. As we were walking I told him how sick I was always feeling insecure. Yes, I was insecure with my first and second ex's exes. He told me he knew who I was comparing myself to because he has done his homework. He said I should not feel like that.

The homily was about Jesus telling the apostles to not let their hearts be troubled. The priest said the very word, "insecurities". He says no matter how many insecurities we have, we should not let our hearts be troubled. We should always trust what is right, just and true. We should look upon Jesus as our strength and trust in Him and what He gives us! After that, I was comforted. Thank you Jesus for sending me so many angels to remind me of Your love and how I should never feel inadequate.

That night he picked me up for a movie and dinner date. I felt loved and cared for with him. I could not help but thank the Lord for sending this beautiful person in my life. I thank Him for giving me another chance to love and be loved. I feel safe and secure when I am with him. I have this big smile pasted across my face every minute we are together. It's a dizzying and ecstatic feeling. Thank You for this gift. I could not help but wonder too, how in the world he chose me.

This morning I found a letter from my ex and I cried as I read it:

I don't really know why I am currently bothered. Probably it's because of what you just related to me after the mass. Somehow, seeing you drenched with insecurities has affected me and has caused a lingering ache in my heart. I cannot shrug it off no matter ho wmuch I try to. I saw him again when I went out this afternoon dressed up in office attire, probably waiting for you to coem down. I pray that you're okay. I pray that you find the bliss, self-confidence and the security that will makeyou at peace... that will also make me at peace. I pray that he be your true knight in shining armor as I expected him to be. I'm sorry for not having the courage to be by your side today. I was planning to treat you out for lunch at the Pancake House to pull up your spirits and to talk with you but somehow yet again, fate intervened. To be very honest, I don't know how to act in front of you considering the situation that we have. I hope you be honest and open enough to give me feedback, and tell me what will make you feel better.

I wish you luck. I hope you realize that my learning to accept this situation positively, tat controlling my tendency to divulge my desperate feelings is my biggest expression of how much I value you. Your strength is my strength remember? Seeing you happy makes me happy. You left a big void in my heart, and I've been doing a lot of constructive activities just to fill that void. I still think of you a lot, adn still miss you at times, but I will brave these lonely, sentimental moments for your sake. You can rest assured that I will take this stage as an opportunity for serious ntrospection and to learn and improve myself.

Rid yourself of insecurities because I don't see any good reason for you to have any. I didn't have qualms introducing you to my family because I saw in you the totality of what I've been looking for. My family easily accepted you because you're okay. You're confident, pretty, intelligent, and witty. I have loved (literally fell deeply for you) because you're passionate, compassionate, simple, appreciative, God-fearing, fun to be with, family-oriented and a natural born leader. You made me feel important and your love made me more confident of myself. Do you know how difficult it is to find women with your qualities? Somebody with that combination of beauty, brains and personality? Until now, I haven't met somebody who possesses all those that endeared you to me. I am sure *** also sees that... and and all those who tried to win your heart. So, hold your head up high, because you're one admirable adn accomplished lady. You will always have this special place in my heart...

Thank you so much for the kind words and the love. I am sorry things did not turn out as we had hoped in our relationship. I pray you will find happiness and love too. Thank you for being brave and strong. You are always in my prayers.


Cherie said...

yeah yeah... you know what it's like being in the shower and you have to go answer the phone with shampoo on your hair because it might be an emergency call?

hahaha!! joke lang... no problem... you can call anytime whether i'm taking a bath or not that's what friends are there for ya know... ;-)

dRaMaQuEeN said...

but it was an emergency... :) Thanks friend! :)