Why?

A student asked our BS group why we believe in God. She is not an atheist but sometimes she wonders why we believe when there are others who live their lives as they please and have no care about the Lord.

This question made me think. Why do I choose to believe in the Lord?

I choose to believe because choosing to believe is choosing to be saved, not for the afterlife but rather for this life, the one I am living now. My faith has saved me from the horrors of everyday life and I am not just talking about the many miracles I have witnessed happen in my life but rather the will to live that my faith gives me. My faith promises me that there is always light at the end of the tunnel, it tells me that the Lord will never forsake me and that He carries me in the Palm of His Hand. I know I am not perfect and I err on a regular basis but the Lord is always there to receive me with open arms. He knows me more than anyone in this world and He knows what my heart desires more than I do. At the end of the day, I believe because I need to believe to survive and because I need to know that I am loved with the greatest Love of all.

Before the session ended, I shared this song to them because this says why we have to believe in spite all the science there is. Even Einstein believed in the Lord. Even if quantum Physics is considered, one has to wonder why given all the probabilities, this version of the universe was created, one where lives can be nurtured, one that endlessly provides us with beauty and hope.

The following song is one of my favorite praise songs so far...

Redeemer


Who taught the sun where to stand in the morning?
and Who told the ocean you can only come this far?
and Who showed the moon where to hide 'til evening?
Whose words alone can catch a falling star?

Well I know my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives:
Let all creations testify
Let this, life within me cry
I know my Redeemer lives, yeah.

The very same God that spins things in orbit
runs to the weary, the worn and the weak
And the same gentle hands that hold me when I'm broken
They conquered death to bring me victory

Now I know my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
Let all creations testify
Let this life within we cry
I know my Redeemer, He lives
To take away my shame
And He lives forever, I'll proclaim

That the payment for my sin
Was the precious life He gave
But now He's alive and
There's an empty grave.

And I know my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
Let all creations testify
Let this life within me cry
I know my Redeemer,

I know my Redeemer
I know my Redeemer lives
I know my Redeemer lives
I know that I know that I know that I know that I know my redeemer lives
Because He lives I can face tomorrow
I Know I know
He lives He lives yeah, yeah I spoke with him this morning
He lives He lives, the tomb is empty,
He lives I gotta tell everybody

This Is It - My Experience

It was for me, ethereal. My toes are still barely touching the ground, my head is till in the clouds, my breathing still irregular and my heartbeat is still too fast.

All my senses still relishes the experience that was This Is It. The excitement and the thrill of it all was very difficult to contain, I wanted to scream and wave my arms wildly into the air but that was not the norm. I succeeded in repressing all the shriek but not for long.

It was what I have imagined and so much more. Tonight, I have witnessed what I have always believed in, the genius that was Michael Jackson. He moved with such cutting edge precision, embodying the music and the beat, you just see the rhythm flow through him like electricity to a conductor. He was not just a performer, he was a visionary, hearing and seeing things that other people cannot. He was a genius with a heart, a perfectionist who sought perfection not for fame but to give more of himself and his gift.

He just did not have room for mediocrity, he does not stop polishing until everything so blindingly sparkles underneath the spotlight. He is great and yet he is humble, open to novel ideas and concepts. He gives credit where credit is due and affirmation for work done with care and love. He was aware that he was the most essential component and yet he never forgot that that was only possible because of the other talents surrounding him. This video says everything that a person has to know about how to be the King of Pop. Humility, love, dedication and a truckload of talent.

The show was truly the masterpiece of many people whose lives will forever have the mark of Michael Jackson. They will never work as they did before meeting Michael because Michael showed devotion and dedication to his craft like no other. It makes me ask if these people realize how fortunate they were for having been able to spend the last few hours of Michael with them, to be able to witness the last few moonwalks, spins and jaw dropping choreography and vocals or if disappointment is eating them up because the show never got to London. I am sure Michael was disappointed to not be able to get the show on the road for the millions of fans awaiting his return to the spotlight. He was performing not just for himself but for the millions who drew inspiration from the magic that he created. His show was nothing short of an escape from reality. He literally transformed the stage, he was not just performing, he was speaking, opening his heart to share all that he has. I admit, his voice is not as powerful as before, yet no singer with so much power can sing like he does because he sings not just with his voice but with his heart. You just feel the passion that is overflowing when he sings, when he moves, when he shares his thoughts. I have been blessed to have seen the comet that is Michael that graces the heavens once in millions of years. I am fortunate to have been able to witness his very being in flesh some thirteen years ago, and even then, he has touched my life in so many ways, through his art, music and love for others.

HIs music will live on and his rhinestone-covered glove, his beaded socks and his penny loafers will always be reminders that once upon a time, a man stood under the spotlight, in front of a mic stand and gave all he had.

Miss Universe

The universe started in chaos and then from the chaos came order. All this order will one day end in chaos and the whole thing will just start all over again. This is the macrocosm of my existence.

I am in the process of chaos right now. Still, when all this chaos ends, a new universe will form. I hope to regain order in my life, I hope to regain happiness. I long for the day when all will move around their respective orbits and life will begin to surface again.

I used to think whenever I feel I have messed this life up that in a parallel universe out there, there's a version of me who is not messing up and is doing very well. I used to think that a lot... until now.

I have to stop wondering about other versions of the universe, I am going to be happy in this universe. I choose to be happy in this version of the universe.

Life's Like Stat

Finally done with my paper in my PhD class. This is just not going to end, I have a new batch to read again tonight. Argh! I think last weekend was more stressful because I had so many things to take care of, the technical report, the PhD paper, the exams and my sister's Stat exam. I really had to multitask. One minute I was thinking Psych another, I was thinking Stat. Thank goodness I had so much help in Stat and it was so fun too. The Psych paper paled in comparison unfortunately. I guess, at the end of the day, Math excites me more. I never thought I would say that in this lifetime.

A friend of mine asked me what I would do if for example he had three boxes with three balls of two possible colors rolling down. Two of them are black and one is white. I have to pick the box with the white ball to get the jackpot. He then opens one of the boxes and shows me that there's a black box inside, he asked me if I would change my mind. I thought okay, when I first picked there was 1/3 chance that I would get the white but 2/3 chance that I would get the black. When he opened one of the boxes then that would give me a 50% chance of getting the white or black. I was torn.

i initially had 2/3 chance of getting black so chances are, I probably picked the box with a black ball the first time I picked. There was a bigger chance that the ball inside the box I chose was black! So if he asks me to switch I should because I most probably picked the box with the black ball! How kewl is that?!

Wish he were my teacher in Stat, I bet it would have been awesome!

If I had known this years before, i swear I would have switched to the other box.

Next Stop

I am on one of the steam engine trains from the past. I am anticipating to get to my stop but the train, as I grow anxious more, seems to taunt me more by moving slower. I cannot wait train, please put on some speed. I need to be where I should be soon. Time is a-ticking and I cannot be in this cabin for long. I long for the warmth of the sunlight against my skin and the gentle blowing kisses of the wind on my cheeks. End this torture dear train and get me where I should be. I need to feel the solid ground underneath my feet again. I think I see the next station already, just get me there train, fast enough for my sake.

Fun-Gulat

I was too tired to talk about this last night. I was exhausted from lack of sleep and solving but we had such a blast last night after the Stat stuff that we did. My sister and I went to bed and my brother hid under the sheets. After I lied down, he startled my sister coming out of the sheets and shouting 'Boo!'. *wahaha* My sister broke into peals of laughter! When my brother got up to go the the comfort room, my sister and I came up with a plan to startle him back. My sister tried to squeeze herself under the bed but would not fit so she settled for the space underneath the Casio keyboard. Little did we know, my brother just pretended to go to the CR but he was actually waiting for me to go to the other side of the room. He heard everything that we were trying to do! So yes, he startled my poor sister again, helpless, and with nowhere to run to! *wahahah!* i think my throat hurts from laughing too hard last night.

Still, it was really fun!

Just like the good old days. :)

I remember before, I slept later than everyone else in the household because I needed some peace and quiet to work and because I like horsing around first with my siblings before I start working a.k.a. solve endless Calculus and other Math problems. The floor of my room and other flat surfaces are always covered with yellow sheets of paper with solutions. There was one night when an alarm clock started going off and I just could not find where it was. I was desperately searching because the sound was so annoying and was to loud in the stark contrast of the silence the early dawn provided. Alas, I found the darn alarm clock wrapped in yellow sheet with the message "At sa wakas, nahanap din ng ating bidang si Chabelita ang kanina pa nagkakaingay na alarm clock". I was laughing so hard! I think I cried from laughing *haha!*!

Also, I went to school long after my siblings have gone to school. I normally left my bag on the bed of one of the rooms in the house, I did not realize that this will invite a prank from my siblings. There was a time when I went to school with a clothes hanger, a couple of big batteries, and other junk in my bag! Of course I had to stifle my laughter when I discovered I had these stuff during class lest it would have gotten me into trouble.

Fun times! I am fortunate to have fun siblings for siblings! It sure makes life more exciting and it makes it easier to laugh.

Le Stat

I saw Statistics in a whole new light tonight. It actually became a family activity and not just any other activity, it was fun! *sigh* While we were racking our brains how to solve one of the problems, I felt as though everything was right in the world.

I think this has much to do with the fact that the sun is about to rise. I had to finish my technical report after the Stat marathon with my sister.

Thank You Lord for the beautiful day You have given me yesterday. May today be as beautiful. Thank You for giving me reasons to love each day. I always feel Your love for me though I know I am imperfect and not at all the daughter You may find ideal.

Swimming Upstream

There are times when I question why things must fall when dropped or why water when exposed to sun become rain clouds that rain on our parade. I do not know why the very water that keeps us alive can be the same water that drowns us. I suppose this is just how the world works, this is just how things are and as mere mortals we must accept this without question. Still, sometimes, I like to think that while the most fundamental things have already been decided by the most powerful force in the universe, the important details of our lives are still up to us. I would like to think that even though we mistakenly jump into a river flowing downstream, we can still, if we have enough life, passion and will, choose to swim upstream before we join the great waterfall.

Some weeks ago, I have chosen to swim upstream and I am panting and fatigue is taking over me, still I know that I must go on if only to find out if indeed I can. I may drown while fighting the natural flow of things, still I know that if I let the current just carry me then I might as well have drowned right then because it would feel as though my life has been lived for me, choices made for me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I still have major swimming to do (figuratively still, unfortunately).

Still Itching to Fly

I am really itching to go. I just checked out HK tickets and I found a pretty ok deal! I want to go! Can i? Can I? :)

Though, it might be sad to be in HK all alone and with cold weather and all, it will be quite a drab.

I really should be working on my technical report already! Argh!!! Must stop thinking about leaving because I have so much work to do!

Brink of Addiction

Wow... I was experiencing blogging withdrawal symptoms already. *haha!* I could not create a new post for a while. I need rehab quick!

I was just thinking about how we should be guided by our heart. I know the Lord is our Father and He wants us to be happy and He will not want anything that will not make us happy. However, how dow we hear what our heart wants? How can we hear it loud and clear? I think I hear my heart, I just hope I am hearing it right.

I was soh anxious about posting, now that I can post, I am at a loss for words or ideas *haha*! I have so much to do. So far, all I have done since yesterday was check papers. It does not take too long for me to check my parts but I am too lazy. This week has got to be the laziest of all my weeks. I have to start gearing up. I have a technical report and a paper due for Monday. Must. I seem to always space out. I think I need time for myself. I mean, a serious break. I think I need some vacation on my own. I'm regretting not going to France again *haha*! Why did I pass that up again? Oh yeah, I was up to my neck with things I had to finish.

Tomorrow ought to be a better day. :) Looking forward to it more or less. :)

All for now.

Hope

I have a mile-long list of things to do but I cannot find the energy to do them. I keep on sleeping *haha* and no I do not have dengue. I just want to sleep and sleep and then sleep some more except when it is really time to sleep then I cannot sleep. I have the most erratic sleeping pattern the past few weeks. I do not think it has anything to do with caffeine.

It's funny how I look in the past and I realize how dense I was. Signs were all over the place but for some reason, maybe it was pride or it was sheer stupidity, I ignored them. Ignored them all. Now, I have to face my present and trudge on to the future. Which reminds me...

Tonight I had a bible study session with students and we read Romans 7 and 8. It said that it is only hope if you hope for what you have not seen because if you have seen it already then you cannot call that hope. This gave hope a new meaning for me. I wait for my future with hope.

I said before in a journal of mine when I was way younger and sad to say, wiser, that love is not an opportunity because opportunity, unlike love, knocks only once. I said this with so much conviction, now that I have seen what the world is like, I say this with hope.

Itching Feet

A friend of mine is asking me to go to Macau!

*wahaha* I am not really sure I want to go. I have never left the country and spent for myself, usually I just get deployed and so I end up not paying for my fare or accommodations. Still, I bet it would be fun. I think Hong Kong will be more fun though. *haha!*

Hong Kong is one of the best cities I have been to because it has shopping, amusement parks, cool toys, easy transportation and it's very near! If I were to pick a city where I can do almost anything it would be Hong Kong. I have never been to Macau though, still something tells me Hong Kong is the better choice.

I would actually be happy and content with Boracay or Palawan. I love the beach and the parties during the night. :) I miss dancing at night. I wonder when I can go dancing again. I should ask one of my party friends. *hahaha* Another friend of mine asked me months ago, maybe it's high time I go. :)

Duh

I wish things were just black or white. I sometimes wonder if things are gray or if I am just insisting that they are. I guess not knowing what to do is the price we pay for having free will. There are so many directions that we can go and sometimes, without a clear instruction of where to go you get lost. We have been left with a map, yes. I check the map but there are times when I do not know what to make of the map. Is it me refusing to go to where I should or is it because I am reading the map wrong? How do mere mortals find their way around in this labyrinth of a world where there are too many turns and where turning back the time is an impossibility?

I guess at the end of the day, we just do things as best we can and hope for the best.

Laugh Therapy

My sister is still busy watching How I Met Your Mother and I cannot sleep yet. Darn! :) I understand her completely though, this series is soh addictive! I remember watching this nonstop and laughing out loud in my cubicle! *wahahah!* Hilarious! It does not fail to make me laugh so hard! I just love the character played by Neil Patrick Harris. He is such a great actor! After Howser M.D. one would think he's over but no, he definitely came back with a vengeance in How I Met Your Mother.

I find the series overly romantic as well. It really portrays how difficult and complicated not to mention it's like finding a needle in a haystack, it is to find a life partner but it makes the predicament seem funnier, hence easier to take. :)

I just love the feeling of being able to laugh out loud. I love hearing my sister laugh out loud while watching. I have taken laughter for granted. It was taken away from me and now I have learned that laughter is one of the most important things in life.

:)

Just Wondering...

Hoorah! I am not late yet! Deadline is not until the 28th! Whew! Thank You Lord!!! I am actually early! Paid already to get it out of the way already. I have to get the DOST Technical Report done so I can focus on reading the PhD papers tomorrow. Got so many papers that we need to read again for next week, it's like, no it is never ending. Do not get me wrong, I have fun reading the papers. I think I really enjoy Psychology. I might take it for real in the future for the benefit of my future children and of course, my dream preschool! :) Nothing wrong with dreaming ya know!

I had fun in my class again. I love this class because they have fun and then they keep quiet when I am saying something. I really enjoy teaching their class. I am glad I took this class. I was actually planning on taking a sabbatical on the non acad classes but I think I will miss the non acad classes if I do. I almost forgot about my class today! I was busy checking exams that I have forgotten about the time. It's a good thing I finished checking before one third of my class time was up.

I have not seen the exam results of my students but am hoping that they did well. I have seen the papers of other classes and i was a bit disappointed by what I saw. i hope my class performed better.

I think there is something wrong with me. I keep on searching for something and while I see traces of what I look for. I cannot seem to find exactly what it is I yearn for. Is it really that hard to find? Is it really that difficult to achieve? I hope that in this lifetime I will be able to uncover what I am desperately searching for. Lead me to that which my heart so desire dear Lord, You know me more than I know me.

Insurance

I had a blast from the past today.

I was filled with anger, regret and then, hope.

I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that all that we are and what happens are part of the tapestry that the Lord is weaving together. I may not see the design now, but all that the Lord creates is beautiful. I just have to trust in Him.

On a less formal note, I hope that my Sun Life insurance due date has not passed. I have not received their reminder. Dear Lord, I pray that I am not late yet.

Out of the Box

I move in silence so no one can hear the unspoken words that are blaring in my head. I smile my brightest so no one can see the raging river of tears that are dying to flow. I hold my head up high so no one sees the shame that envelopes me. I am trapped in a box that I have willed myself to enter. I shut the world out, I wanted them to think this is how I want things. I thought the box could be a home but it did not have the warmth and comfort of home. It was cold and dark and damp inside, I thought I could thrive in that dark pit I have stayed in, I thought my life, my warmth, will keep me alive but the walls just kept on closing in and I was choking. I knew that if I did not find a way out, I will suffer an inevitable death, my flame blown out and I will stay obscured from the colorful world I once knew.

So I crawled out.

Now that I am in the open fields I shiver to the newness of things, I have been in the dark too long. The fear of the unknown at times makes me want to turn back and I keep on asking myself if I should have stayed, if I have given it all the warmth and life I had would that box have turned into a home. I think about it for a brief while and I realize no, it was never a home for there was no love nor warmth nor laughter. I look at the box now and it is not inviting me as before. All I see are the worn walls of the damp carton stained with tears and mud and rain. I sigh because I built all my dreams and hopes around it, I thought my waking hours will be spent there but I was never meant to stay there. A minute more and I could have lost the tiny spark inside of me.

So I stand outside trying to rekindle the little spark. I walk around pretending my flame is aglow but all I have is a little dwindling light, hoping no one will notice until my spirit is ignited again enough to allow me to live with fervent hope again.

A Friend Returns

There are times when the wound is still too fresh that you dare not let anyone near because you are afraid that they might touch it and make it bleed all over again so you retreat in a corner and nurse your open flesh on your own. As everything else in this world, healing takes time, and because this is most of the time done in solitude, it feels longer than it really takes.

After years of not talking to each other, I was able to talk to this person. Last Saturday, he came back and for the first time, we were able to look at each other and genuinely smile at each other. The circumstance was not perfect but I felt good because suddenly I remembered how good this person is.

Welcome back. I am glad you are all healed. I have much to tell you but let's save that for next time.

Blogger's Block

I cannot seem to write.

Words escape me.

Ideas evade me.

I have written many things only to delete them again.

Before Sunset

I just saw Before Sunset today thanks to my sister who watched it as she ate her lunch and then left without finishing the movie. I decided to finish it. It has been a while since I saw it last. A friend of mine recommended it to me some years ago. I enjoyed the movie still, looking at it in another perspective, now that I have been through more in my life.

I just love their conversations and spontaneity of the two characters. I would love to have conversations like that. I only know very few people who I can really talk to from sunrise to sunset not running out of things to say to each other. I love that they were so comfortable with each other, no pretenses, no judgments. They spoke their mind and the other just listened, not judging, agreeing to disagree. *wow*

I love this movie, they do not even kiss and yet I find it overly romantic. Before Sunset is a sequel to After Sunrise (I think) I also have that title but it has also been a while since I have seen it. It's not something I want to see again but it is nice to watch it first before the sequel. I want to watch the sequel again!

I have my sister to thank for reminding me of this beautiful film

And yes, my sister is one of those people whom I can talk to all day and not run out of things to do or say. :)

A nice quote from one of the characters:

It is better to be alone than to be with your lover and be lonely.