Rebel

What makes an individual act against what one really wants. As in deep down inside it is what you want and yet you act against it? Is it a Messianic complex thinking that if this person displeases oneself, it will be for the greater good? I am trying to dissect this phenomenon because it has happened to me and you see... at the end of the day, it did no one, as in no one any good.

I wonder if this happens to other people too... It is frustrating, infuriating and mind-boggling for after all, was it not Freud who said we never act by virtue of altruism? It is always for reasons of self-preservation. I think I have witnessed this many times in my life to be able to really say that yes, I find this very true.

So, I wonder, what was it that pushed me to do what deep inside I knew I did not want? Is it a history of not getting what I want and still getting by? Is it pure sheer misconceived notion of convenience? Is it a history of being a doormat? Is it because I was just not thinking or was it a case of overdoing thinking? I have been asking myself these questions for a while now because really, this has changed the course of my life forever and I cannot even, for the life of me, figure out the answer to this very simple question.

Why?