Next Stop

I am on one of the steam engine trains from the past. I am anticipating to get to my stop but the train, as I grow anxious more, seems to taunt me more by moving slower. I cannot wait train, please put on some speed. I need to be where I should be soon. Time is a-ticking and I cannot be in this cabin for long. I long for the warmth of the sunlight against my skin and the gentle blowing kisses of the wind on my cheeks. End this torture dear train and get me where I should be. I need to feel the solid ground underneath my feet again. I think I see the next station already, just get me there train, fast enough for my sake.

Fun-Gulat

I was too tired to talk about this last night. I was exhausted from lack of sleep and solving but we had such a blast last night after the Stat stuff that we did. My sister and I went to bed and my brother hid under the sheets. After I lied down, he startled my sister coming out of the sheets and shouting 'Boo!'. *wahaha* My sister broke into peals of laughter! When my brother got up to go the the comfort room, my sister and I came up with a plan to startle him back. My sister tried to squeeze herself under the bed but would not fit so she settled for the space underneath the Casio keyboard. Little did we know, my brother just pretended to go to the CR but he was actually waiting for me to go to the other side of the room. He heard everything that we were trying to do! So yes, he startled my poor sister again, helpless, and with nowhere to run to! *wahahah!* i think my throat hurts from laughing too hard last night.

Still, it was really fun!

Just like the good old days. :)

I remember before, I slept later than everyone else in the household because I needed some peace and quiet to work and because I like horsing around first with my siblings before I start working a.k.a. solve endless Calculus and other Math problems. The floor of my room and other flat surfaces are always covered with yellow sheets of paper with solutions. There was one night when an alarm clock started going off and I just could not find where it was. I was desperately searching because the sound was so annoying and was to loud in the stark contrast of the silence the early dawn provided. Alas, I found the darn alarm clock wrapped in yellow sheet with the message "At sa wakas, nahanap din ng ating bidang si Chabelita ang kanina pa nagkakaingay na alarm clock". I was laughing so hard! I think I cried from laughing *haha!*!

Also, I went to school long after my siblings have gone to school. I normally left my bag on the bed of one of the rooms in the house, I did not realize that this will invite a prank from my siblings. There was a time when I went to school with a clothes hanger, a couple of big batteries, and other junk in my bag! Of course I had to stifle my laughter when I discovered I had these stuff during class lest it would have gotten me into trouble.

Fun times! I am fortunate to have fun siblings for siblings! It sure makes life more exciting and it makes it easier to laugh.

Le Stat

I saw Statistics in a whole new light tonight. It actually became a family activity and not just any other activity, it was fun! *sigh* While we were racking our brains how to solve one of the problems, I felt as though everything was right in the world.

I think this has much to do with the fact that the sun is about to rise. I had to finish my technical report after the Stat marathon with my sister.

Thank You Lord for the beautiful day You have given me yesterday. May today be as beautiful. Thank You for giving me reasons to love each day. I always feel Your love for me though I know I am imperfect and not at all the daughter You may find ideal.

Swimming Upstream

There are times when I question why things must fall when dropped or why water when exposed to sun become rain clouds that rain on our parade. I do not know why the very water that keeps us alive can be the same water that drowns us. I suppose this is just how the world works, this is just how things are and as mere mortals we must accept this without question. Still, sometimes, I like to think that while the most fundamental things have already been decided by the most powerful force in the universe, the important details of our lives are still up to us. I would like to think that even though we mistakenly jump into a river flowing downstream, we can still, if we have enough life, passion and will, choose to swim upstream before we join the great waterfall.

Some weeks ago, I have chosen to swim upstream and I am panting and fatigue is taking over me, still I know that I must go on if only to find out if indeed I can. I may drown while fighting the natural flow of things, still I know that if I let the current just carry me then I might as well have drowned right then because it would feel as though my life has been lived for me, choices made for me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I still have major swimming to do (figuratively still, unfortunately).

Still Itching to Fly

I am really itching to go. I just checked out HK tickets and I found a pretty ok deal! I want to go! Can i? Can I? :)

Though, it might be sad to be in HK all alone and with cold weather and all, it will be quite a drab.

I really should be working on my technical report already! Argh!!! Must stop thinking about leaving because I have so much work to do!

Brink of Addiction

Wow... I was experiencing blogging withdrawal symptoms already. *haha!* I could not create a new post for a while. I need rehab quick!

I was just thinking about how we should be guided by our heart. I know the Lord is our Father and He wants us to be happy and He will not want anything that will not make us happy. However, how dow we hear what our heart wants? How can we hear it loud and clear? I think I hear my heart, I just hope I am hearing it right.

I was soh anxious about posting, now that I can post, I am at a loss for words or ideas *haha*! I have so much to do. So far, all I have done since yesterday was check papers. It does not take too long for me to check my parts but I am too lazy. This week has got to be the laziest of all my weeks. I have to start gearing up. I have a technical report and a paper due for Monday. Must. I seem to always space out. I think I need time for myself. I mean, a serious break. I think I need some vacation on my own. I'm regretting not going to France again *haha*! Why did I pass that up again? Oh yeah, I was up to my neck with things I had to finish.

Tomorrow ought to be a better day. :) Looking forward to it more or less. :)

All for now.

Hope

I have a mile-long list of things to do but I cannot find the energy to do them. I keep on sleeping *haha* and no I do not have dengue. I just want to sleep and sleep and then sleep some more except when it is really time to sleep then I cannot sleep. I have the most erratic sleeping pattern the past few weeks. I do not think it has anything to do with caffeine.

It's funny how I look in the past and I realize how dense I was. Signs were all over the place but for some reason, maybe it was pride or it was sheer stupidity, I ignored them. Ignored them all. Now, I have to face my present and trudge on to the future. Which reminds me...

Tonight I had a bible study session with students and we read Romans 7 and 8. It said that it is only hope if you hope for what you have not seen because if you have seen it already then you cannot call that hope. This gave hope a new meaning for me. I wait for my future with hope.

I said before in a journal of mine when I was way younger and sad to say, wiser, that love is not an opportunity because opportunity, unlike love, knocks only once. I said this with so much conviction, now that I have seen what the world is like, I say this with hope.

Itching Feet

A friend of mine is asking me to go to Macau!

*wahaha* I am not really sure I want to go. I have never left the country and spent for myself, usually I just get deployed and so I end up not paying for my fare or accommodations. Still, I bet it would be fun. I think Hong Kong will be more fun though. *haha!*

Hong Kong is one of the best cities I have been to because it has shopping, amusement parks, cool toys, easy transportation and it's very near! If I were to pick a city where I can do almost anything it would be Hong Kong. I have never been to Macau though, still something tells me Hong Kong is the better choice.

I would actually be happy and content with Boracay or Palawan. I love the beach and the parties during the night. :) I miss dancing at night. I wonder when I can go dancing again. I should ask one of my party friends. *hahaha* Another friend of mine asked me months ago, maybe it's high time I go. :)

Duh

I wish things were just black or white. I sometimes wonder if things are gray or if I am just insisting that they are. I guess not knowing what to do is the price we pay for having free will. There are so many directions that we can go and sometimes, without a clear instruction of where to go you get lost. We have been left with a map, yes. I check the map but there are times when I do not know what to make of the map. Is it me refusing to go to where I should or is it because I am reading the map wrong? How do mere mortals find their way around in this labyrinth of a world where there are too many turns and where turning back the time is an impossibility?

I guess at the end of the day, we just do things as best we can and hope for the best.

Laugh Therapy

My sister is still busy watching How I Met Your Mother and I cannot sleep yet. Darn! :) I understand her completely though, this series is soh addictive! I remember watching this nonstop and laughing out loud in my cubicle! *wahahah!* Hilarious! It does not fail to make me laugh so hard! I just love the character played by Neil Patrick Harris. He is such a great actor! After Howser M.D. one would think he's over but no, he definitely came back with a vengeance in How I Met Your Mother.

I find the series overly romantic as well. It really portrays how difficult and complicated not to mention it's like finding a needle in a haystack, it is to find a life partner but it makes the predicament seem funnier, hence easier to take. :)

I just love the feeling of being able to laugh out loud. I love hearing my sister laugh out loud while watching. I have taken laughter for granted. It was taken away from me and now I have learned that laughter is one of the most important things in life.

:)

Just Wondering...

Hoorah! I am not late yet! Deadline is not until the 28th! Whew! Thank You Lord!!! I am actually early! Paid already to get it out of the way already. I have to get the DOST Technical Report done so I can focus on reading the PhD papers tomorrow. Got so many papers that we need to read again for next week, it's like, no it is never ending. Do not get me wrong, I have fun reading the papers. I think I really enjoy Psychology. I might take it for real in the future for the benefit of my future children and of course, my dream preschool! :) Nothing wrong with dreaming ya know!

I had fun in my class again. I love this class because they have fun and then they keep quiet when I am saying something. I really enjoy teaching their class. I am glad I took this class. I was actually planning on taking a sabbatical on the non acad classes but I think I will miss the non acad classes if I do. I almost forgot about my class today! I was busy checking exams that I have forgotten about the time. It's a good thing I finished checking before one third of my class time was up.

I have not seen the exam results of my students but am hoping that they did well. I have seen the papers of other classes and i was a bit disappointed by what I saw. i hope my class performed better.

I think there is something wrong with me. I keep on searching for something and while I see traces of what I look for. I cannot seem to find exactly what it is I yearn for. Is it really that hard to find? Is it really that difficult to achieve? I hope that in this lifetime I will be able to uncover what I am desperately searching for. Lead me to that which my heart so desire dear Lord, You know me more than I know me.

Insurance

I had a blast from the past today.

I was filled with anger, regret and then, hope.

I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that all that we are and what happens are part of the tapestry that the Lord is weaving together. I may not see the design now, but all that the Lord creates is beautiful. I just have to trust in Him.

On a less formal note, I hope that my Sun Life insurance due date has not passed. I have not received their reminder. Dear Lord, I pray that I am not late yet.

Out of the Box

I move in silence so no one can hear the unspoken words that are blaring in my head. I smile my brightest so no one can see the raging river of tears that are dying to flow. I hold my head up high so no one sees the shame that envelopes me. I am trapped in a box that I have willed myself to enter. I shut the world out, I wanted them to think this is how I want things. I thought the box could be a home but it did not have the warmth and comfort of home. It was cold and dark and damp inside, I thought I could thrive in that dark pit I have stayed in, I thought my life, my warmth, will keep me alive but the walls just kept on closing in and I was choking. I knew that if I did not find a way out, I will suffer an inevitable death, my flame blown out and I will stay obscured from the colorful world I once knew.

So I crawled out.

Now that I am in the open fields I shiver to the newness of things, I have been in the dark too long. The fear of the unknown at times makes me want to turn back and I keep on asking myself if I should have stayed, if I have given it all the warmth and life I had would that box have turned into a home. I think about it for a brief while and I realize no, it was never a home for there was no love nor warmth nor laughter. I look at the box now and it is not inviting me as before. All I see are the worn walls of the damp carton stained with tears and mud and rain. I sigh because I built all my dreams and hopes around it, I thought my waking hours will be spent there but I was never meant to stay there. A minute more and I could have lost the tiny spark inside of me.

So I stand outside trying to rekindle the little spark. I walk around pretending my flame is aglow but all I have is a little dwindling light, hoping no one will notice until my spirit is ignited again enough to allow me to live with fervent hope again.

A Friend Returns

There are times when the wound is still too fresh that you dare not let anyone near because you are afraid that they might touch it and make it bleed all over again so you retreat in a corner and nurse your open flesh on your own. As everything else in this world, healing takes time, and because this is most of the time done in solitude, it feels longer than it really takes.

After years of not talking to each other, I was able to talk to this person. Last Saturday, he came back and for the first time, we were able to look at each other and genuinely smile at each other. The circumstance was not perfect but I felt good because suddenly I remembered how good this person is.

Welcome back. I am glad you are all healed. I have much to tell you but let's save that for next time.

Blogger's Block

I cannot seem to write.

Words escape me.

Ideas evade me.

I have written many things only to delete them again.

Before Sunset

I just saw Before Sunset today thanks to my sister who watched it as she ate her lunch and then left without finishing the movie. I decided to finish it. It has been a while since I saw it last. A friend of mine recommended it to me some years ago. I enjoyed the movie still, looking at it in another perspective, now that I have been through more in my life.

I just love their conversations and spontaneity of the two characters. I would love to have conversations like that. I only know very few people who I can really talk to from sunrise to sunset not running out of things to say to each other. I love that they were so comfortable with each other, no pretenses, no judgments. They spoke their mind and the other just listened, not judging, agreeing to disagree. *wow*

I love this movie, they do not even kiss and yet I find it overly romantic. Before Sunset is a sequel to After Sunrise (I think) I also have that title but it has also been a while since I have seen it. It's not something I want to see again but it is nice to watch it first before the sequel. I want to watch the sequel again!

I have my sister to thank for reminding me of this beautiful film

And yes, my sister is one of those people whom I can talk to all day and not run out of things to do or say. :)

A nice quote from one of the characters:

It is better to be alone than to be with your lover and be lonely.

Words of Wisdom

I know I should be sleeping now but I'm having really bad palpitations. Three glasses of tea = not a good idea!!!

I wanted to post this here just so I won't forget. Words of one of the old but wise people I know.

There are sure telling signs of a good relationship:
(1) We are filled with true joy, a sense of deep peace and immeasurable hope.
(2) We feel unusually interested in and responsible for the other person.
(3) We evolve "effortlessly" into better persons. 090918 (corrected)

Relief

I am happy that my ex replied to my message. He said he appreciated my message for him.

Just glad.

On the brighter side of things, I was able to read the first of two very thick chapters for my PhD and I enjoyed it. It will be very useful in justifying what I would like to do. *woot!* I still have another chapter that I need to read. Tomorrow will be another very busy day but hopefully when I get that out of the way I can focus on the second paper. I have no plans of cramming again next Tuesday, I still have a technical report to write. I will also be spending the rest of the week checking programming! *barfs*

Still, I have much to be thankful for. Thank You Lord for all of the blessings you tirelessly bestow upon me and my family. Please continue to bless us. We are always at Your mercy.

I would also like to share this video, this made me cry. It reminded me of how much we are loved by our parents and more so, by our Father.

There are no words to describe what you're about to see. It's all about HIM!

A Son asked his father, "Dad, will you take part in a marathon with me?" The father who, despite having a heart condition, says "Yes". They went on to complete the marathon together. Father and son went on to join other marathons. The father always saying "Yes" to his son's request of going through the race together. One day, the son asked his fater, "Dad, let's join the Ironman together."

To which, his father said "Yes".

For those who don't know, Ironman is the toughest triathlon ever. The race encompasses three endurance events of a 2.4 mile (3.86 kilometer) ocean swim, followed by a 112 mile (180.2 kilometer) bike ride and ending with a 26.2 mile (42.195 kilometer) marathon along the coast of the Big Island.

Father and son went on to complete the race together!

By the way, those are Rick and Dick Hoyt also known as Team Hoyt. Yes, this really happened. *sigh*

Sad News

I just found out from a friend that the mom of my ex passed away. I know we have not spoken in a while but I felt really bad to hear about this. His mom was very nice and very thoughtful. She has shown me nothing but kindness during the brief moment that I was in a relationship with his son. I know she is now with our Creator in Paradise.

Please say a prayer for her soul. Please also say a prayer for the family that she has left behind, especially her spouse. I am sure he is devastated right now. My ex is a thousand miles away in Germany taking his PhD, I hope that he is handling this well.

Daily Dose

I had a very busy day today. I was almost nonstop from morning 'til night! Nonetheless, it was a beautiful day.

I had a great time teaching again today. I like the feeling of seeing my students improve every single day. I want them all to learn and to pass the subject. I hope they will really try harder. There is soh much fulfillment in seeing a student do new things that before he could not do or was afraid to do. *sigh*

I also had to meet with my favorite thesis group. They are my favorite for two reasons, first, I think they work hard and second, their topic is part of my dissertation and DOST project. I thought it was a fun meeting that we had. In between that meeting I also received good news. I hope everything really works out.

During my lull time i was able to visit the site of Chico Garcia ! i have missed Rush Hour soh much! I mean I find Delle and Chico really funny plus the Rushers and their entries are also too funny! :) It's nice that Chico compiles the Top Ten entries on his blog and I get to read them even months after the Top Ten happened. I found the possible titles for Manny Pacquiao and Sylvester Stallone's movie funny! I found these to be hilarious:
1. Pac You
2. Buksingin Mo Ako Lalaking Matapang (Akin Ka Balboa) *wahahah* Sorry, I still find it hilarious up to now! :)
3. Mani at Rambu-tan (Para Sa'yo ang Mubing Ito)
4. Get Ready to Rambo

*hahaha!*

Seriously nuts! :)

After reading this, I had to get to class again and as I was walking to my class, alone, mind you, I had this big smile pasted on my lips and when no one was looking I was still laughing! *hahaha* The titles were crazy!!! Crazy I tell you! :)

As if these were not enough, I also have the Lord to thank for my wonderful nonacad class. I have the most fun block in my nonacad class! :) I love them! They will make anything fun. I supply activities that are meant to allow them to have fun but if the block had a snooty attitude they will not work even if I brought with me Time Zone! I love that they are soh game.

After my class I had a meeting where we discussed the questions for the exam. They loved the problem that I contributed. They said it was a very cute problem. *yey* Thank You Lord, I know You have much to do with that! *wink*

Anyway to cap off my day I had a nice bible study session. I really need all the guidance and I think all the sessions help. :)

Thank You Lord, today I felt your hug not just from the outside but from the inside as well.

Thank You.