Speedy Blog

I have worked for hours on my thesis!!!

Yahoo!!!

Now that is quite a feat and it feels good too. It was quite an adrenaline rush. I think it has died down because my brain is slowing down. Perhaps the fact that it is five minutes to twelve midnight has something to do with it. I'm leaving at 12 so that means I have five minutes to get everything out of me.

I now dub thee, Speedy Blogging.

Hmm... So many things has happened.

Last Week:

Monday: I spent six hours in the library reading about Gateway Protocols. I had fun. I should go to the library more often. If only I could just work there I think I'd be able to work on my thesis faster because it's so peaceful there.

Tuesday: I have been busy with my thesis Well last week Tuesday, *** came to see me at around 11pm because he knew I really had to work on my thesis. He even brought me dinner. He really just wanted to see me. Isn't he the sweetest?

Wednesday: I really have no memory whatsoever of what happened last Wednesday... Oh wait. Hold up! I worked on my thesis again the whole time, in fact I almost was not able to say my novena so I said my novena in my desk. I had a deadline supposedly which was why I had to work overtime last Tuesday.

Thursday: I had to host for a Recognition Night. Spent hours on the phone with him. It was a greate conversation but I felt guilty afterwards because I was supposed to work that time hehe :) But it was well worth it!

Friday: It was Manila Day and we were not supposed to have work but I came to school nonetheless because I had to do my thesis. I got stuck ni heavy rain that day and it was beginning to flood. Good thing the rain stopped and so he was still able to come and visit. We saw the Spurs vs. Piston replay. This time around I ordered him dinner because he was coming from a shootout game where he qualified for the finals!

Saturday: Swam and then I worked on my thesis a miniscule bit because I was really not in the mood and I was too nervous to really think because I was going to meet the rest of his clan that day. It was hsi cousin's victory party for passing the CPA board exam. I was going to meet his lola and I just found out that day that I was to ride with his aunt and her family with his lola too. That did not push through but I sill rode with his dad and his two sisters. They're all nice. Yup even his younger sisteris nice, she just seems intimidating at first but she's nice. His whole family is nice. His lola is way kewl! She can still dance and sing Til There Was You! She's soh hip! I like her aunt too and she is easily becoming my fave in his family. Apart from his female cousin who is soh kalog and of course the male cousin who passed the board exam. He even called me that morning to invite me to go to the party. He said he texted me but I did not reply. Yup! They are all nice! We sang on the MagicSing and then we had dinner. He was driving and I sat at the back with his sisters, all the while he was glancing at me at the rear view mirror from time to time and when he saw a chance he'd text me too. I am soh lucky to have him!

Sunday: I had to be a driver to my beloved sister. I had to drive her to ATC with my limping foot. It still hurts a bit but I drove okay... Well... okay is a relative term. *** met us at southmall, yes my sister asked me to drive to Southmall to look for her Anime stuff. He was pretending to look around Comic Alley too when I noticed him standing there. He is soh cute!!! My sister had fun around him. He cracks the funniest jokes and he is just soh fun to be with. I like it that he is sensitive to my sister.

I know I saw him Saturday and Sunday and that I really should not miss him but how could I not, when the whole time we were together, we were so near yet so far? hehe :)

It's already 12:15! Oh well soh much for speedy blogging!

Of Sprains and Fear

I saw Batman Begins last Saturday. The whole movie tackled the most overrated topic, fear.

"What do you fear?"

I fear a lot.

I fear my thesis. Perhaps that's why I keep on running away from it. I keep on pushing it away. It has been haunting me for years already. So why am I not doing anything about it? I realize now that this is my little way of dealing with unpleasant things. I run away from them. I do not deal with them. Have I written about this before. I feel like I have. Or was it just in my head? I keep on running away but lately I feel that it's closing in on me... about to swallow me whole. So today, I will not run. I will seize the fear. Face it head to head. So what in the world am I doing here? I better get back to work.

---

I promise after this I will get to work... After I hear the mass... I have acetate duties today at the chapel.

I sprained my ankle so he visited me Friday night. He noticed the humongous mountain of trash already piling up so he asked me where the garbage chute was. After he found out where the chute was, he was off to throw the trash. Hmm... extended demo period? hehe... Every part of me is really hoping that this is the release version.

He looked at my foot and massaged it. He was touching it and it just felt nice to have his warm hands touch my calloused (eww... ) foot. He leaned over my foot and kissed it. I was soh embarrassed! There were butterflies in every corner of my stomach. This man just kissed my foot. I don't know any other guy who has done that... Not counting people who kissed my foot when I was still a baby.

We saw Batman Begins last Saturday. We spent a few minutes finding the nearest parking slot because he did not want me to walk too far because I was still limping. He is an amazingly sweet and thoughtful person. Before we saw the movie he asked if we could drop by a drugstore. I did not understand why he wanted to go there but I obliged. When we got there I found out he was going to get some liniment for my foot. When we got home he massaged some of the ointment on my foot. My foot is feeling better now. Thank you very much baby! :) Everything you do for me does not go by unnoticed. Not a day passes without me thanking the Lord for sending you to me. I love you soh much!

To my baby, thanks for making me smile, for calming me in times when I feel like freaking out. You don't always know when but without you doing anything, just your mere presence in my life is enough to make it more worthwhile and more bearable.

My So-Called Life

1030-1600 Mall
I have put off shopping with her at least three times this month and since I was really able to see a window in my schedule for our girl bonding activity. It was soh much fun... We went on a cosmetics shopping spree! I love shopping with my mom! I love my mom! She got me to buy clothes too. I did not get her to buy clothes though, it's so hard to get her stuff... she's soh picky. I hope she had as much fun as I did.
1600-1630 Gox
I went to our unit after my mom dropped me off to put all the Soya Milk bottles in the ref, hide any sign that I went shopping and prepare my swimming gear. Why did I have to hide signs that I shopped? My brother hates it when I acquire new items because it adds to the clutter that is already most of our 39 sq.m. abode. Went to Gox to check on my thesis adviser as we were supposed to discuss my thesis that day. He was busy with other work so I decided to swim first.
1630-1730 Swimming Pool
I walked to the pool, did my usual 20 lap workout + my 1/8 lap butterfly (I will get it right someday... I believe) and then took a shower. I felt soh tired and breathless which was weird because last week, the program barely exhausted me... I think it's because the water is colder now. I was still catching my breath hours after i swam... Weird.
1730-1800 PGP Chapel
I checked on my thesis adviser again and saw that he was not ready yet so I decided to hear mass first. I was late, yet again... It takes me forever to take a shower. I spend roughly 27 minutes swimming... all the rest of the time I am in the locker room... I have tried to cut down on the shower time but I just can't. I have to check my processes again and do some streamlining.
1800-1945 Consultation Room
My adviser and I talked about the thesis. I have a really long to-do list that I will be working on after this post. It's nice to have someone to talk to about my thesis. Enthusiasm is infectious and to have someone who really wants to hear about my work is really amazing. For so long, I have been working alone. It was horrible! Most o fthe time I was just guessing if what I am doing makes sense at all to the rest of the academic community. Affirmation, corrections, clarifications are most welcome. I am grateful to my adviser for having me and for doing his job. May God bless him.
1945-2000 Unit
I was having a hard time breathing and my heart rate I think has not slowed down since I swam. No, I do not think I was palpitating due to some medical condition... I was just exhausted from my workout. My baby called because it was his youngest sister's birthday and she was treating us dinner at Zong along with their cousins, sister, aunt and uncle. *** had a basketball game at 8pm and he just called so we could discuss the gift. I did not want to go to Zong without a gift and his youngest sister explicitly asked him for a gift from me and him. I was panicking... HP was closed already. I had no gift ideas. It dawned to me... we can bring a cake. Worse comes to worst, we can just give her a birthday cake. Bizu will definitely still be open. I like cakes. Since I was little, I felt a birthday was incomplete without a cake and a candle to blow. I like closing my eyes and making a wish. I don't usually remember what I wish for so I can't tell you if birthday wishes do come true.
2000-2130 Greenbelt 3
I got to the parking lot of GB3. The electronic board outside the basement parking said Full but I did not think walking from Park Square or Greenbelt1 will help either. I took my risk. As soon as I got the parking card, a Revo left a slot and just like that, I felt shopping will go smoothly. It did. I got a Marks and Spencer Aloe Vera Body Lotion and a Marks and Spencer Shower Gel and the biggest Samba Bizu cake. It was hot walking from GB3 to GB2 and back. The walk from Bizu to the parking was enough to make me sweat it out... well not the I-just-got-back-from-the-gym look but I felt really unfresh.
2130-2215 Unit
The trip from GB to the unit was not as smooth as I had hoped because there was a big volume of cars. Anyway, I got to our parking slot and then I had to climb three flights of stairs as our elevators from the parking are still out of order.
2215-1130 Zango
Going to Zango, I had to reply to his youngest sister's text messages because he was driving. His youngest sister strikes me as someone really intimidating. Perhaps it's because I seem to think the youngest are the ones harder to please, or maybe it's just the aura she exudes. I have no idea, what I do know is that she frightens me. Anyway, it did not help that we were two hours late for the party and she was texting *** that she wants to go home already. She texted him that they were closing Zong already and that they were the only ones left there. I was soh embarassed because they might think we're late because of me. She even texted *** in one of her messages that *** should have asked me to go ahead to Zong so *** will not have to pick me up at the unit anymore. *** did suggest that earlier that evening. I passed it off as a joke. It did not cross my mind that *** will drive them home and we may not all fit in his car. I realized this only as I was parking my car back at the condo. I suggested to him that I bring my car but he dismissed it since he said we were going to fit because Mao did not come. I felt bad when I read her message because of the following reasons:

• it's her birthday and we're pissing her off
• i do not want a bad impression, that I'm prima donna, making everybody wait... believe me, this is the last thing i want!
• i wanted things to be perfect for her because her boyfriend was not going to be there and I know how terribly lonely that can be
• his aunt was there
• I hate it when things do not go as planned in spite my efforts

I was tired and frustrated and sad. Though I like acting on stage, I am not quite an actress off the stage. I am a very transparent person and so when I am sad, it really shows. I become very quiet (for my very noisy nature, this is very difficult to overlook). *** noticed right away from the far away look, blank stares, silence... He was trying to get me to talk about what was bothering me though I knew that he knew also why I was being that way. He was constantly reassuring me that everything was going to be fine. I knew he was trying his best to make things better for me but it just won't cut it for me at the time. A part of me was wishing to not have come at all. Had I known the evening will turn out as such, I should not have agreed to come. I wanted to evaporate right then and there... Can the aircon filter just suck me in? Anyway, we got to Zong and when I saw the youngest sister's face I just really wanted to disappear. She really looked pissed. I pasted a smile on my face though, it felt like eternity standing there, my facial muscles trembling almost to the point of cramps... I greeted his aunt and I sat adjacent to his big sister. I greeted the youngest sister happy birthday though she did not look so happy thanks to us being late. I don't think the gift made her smile though. She made a joke about Cello's and Bizu being always where I get what I give them... Maybe I really should have brought Red Ribbon instead as advised by ***. I wanted last night to be special for her. Oh well, I thought. Things can't always go as you plan them. I greeted his female cousin with whom I was fond of because she is always soh happy and she seems very easy to talk to and is always bubbly and animated. His uncle came and so I stood up and reached for his hand so I can shake it, he extended his other hand instead so I can bless. He seemed nice. He was teasing us all night about getting married and having a kid. I was just smiling. That broke the ice for me that night. After meeting his uncle, I felt better already.
It helped that *** was very patient. He did not throw a tantrum when he saw that I was not in the mood to talk. He was always reaching for my hand, holding it, reassuring me that he's there and that he will not leave me. I was on the verge of tears in the car because of frustration but while I was at Zong, I was on the verge of tears because of gratitude that I have somebody like him in my life. I saw his youngest sister smile for the first time that night (that was not camera flash-induced) when she opened the box and she saw that the cake had her name on it. Thank goodness I asked *** for the correct spelling of her name a few weeks ago!
1130-1215 Starbucks Fort
Before going home, we went to Starbucks. *** treated us to drinks. By this time, though I was still aloof, I did not think she was mad at us for being late anymore. Well... I hope... I sat at the back and we had his male cousin sit in front. They gossipped about certain people in their family. I could relate because I can remember some of the stories from ***. It was also fun hanging out with them. Just listening to his female cousing is enough to keep me entertained.
It touched me that though *** was around his cousins and his sisters he was still very, very sweet. He was always checking on me and never forgetting me. I love him so much for that. Last night started seemingly a bad experience but it turned out to be fun.
1215-0130
Sta. Mesa
Going home took a longer time than expected... My left foot became numb during the ride but I did not realize this until I stood up. My foot was unable to keep its balance in my stilettos, I think I got a sprain from this accident. I transferred to the front passenger seat after the cousins were dropped off. My foot hurt all the way. It still hurts up to now and so I am limping around feeling and looking stupid. I really hate it. I hope it gets better soon.

It was truly a hectic day for me yesterday and an even more hectic night. I was glad I got to do something for him for a change because it's him who always does something for me. He appreciated what I did and to me, though it should not be that way, that mattered more than the appreciation his sister showed.

***

Went to the emergency room today after my mom threatened me that if my ankle has fractured bones, there is a possibility that I will get operated on. I wouldn't want that since:

• i like inline skating
• i like stilettos (though i may deny it)
• i am not a fan of stitches on my skin

Anyway, it turns out I do not have fractures whatsoever so I am going to be fine, unless the pain persists after 2 to 3 days, then I will have to go back and see an ortho. I finally got to use the FortuneCare card. I thought that was really useless... Hmm... It came in handy today.

Stupid Person + Mobile Phone revisited

I wanted to clarify the previous post since a lot seems to wonder who might that jerk be. I have reason to believe that the stupid texter is my first ex boyfriend. Obviously since the texter seemed to be very fond of my ex and he's the only one I know who is that fond of himself. Really. To feed the curiosity of everyone, he is not at all goodlooking... Though I am tempted to post his picture here for everyone to lambast or better yet to tell you his friendster account name, for the sake of whatever kindness and respect is left for other people's privacy, i will, restrain myself from doing so.

Some people texted me, emailed me about my post feeling sorry for me. I was actually fuming with anger and the night I got all these messages, I was shaking and wanting him to just drop &#@&! I was disturbed but at the same time I could not really tell anyone. I was playing with the idea of telling my boyfriend. I did not want him to get hurt or to be affected but I did not want a big gap between us because I was not telling him something that was troubling me greatly. I am glad I told him because he was able to make me feel better as always. He just laughed about it and as soon as I heard laughter bubbling out of him I just could not help but find the humor in what happened. I am glad he's very positive. A friend of mine told me we make a pretty good combination. I seem to be always worrying while he comforts me. He's the only one who has that effect on me. He just says the right words at the right time. One of the many things that endeared me to him is his infallible self-confidence. I feel like nothing can make him insecure. This comforts me because this will assure me that jealousy fits will be kept at bay always. He said he was glad that I replied to the messages the way I did.

I wanted to at first post his phone number here so that I can request all of you to pester him for me but I won't do that because I realized I have so much to thank him for. I thank him first and foremost for letting me go. The moment he let me go, he lifted from me a curse of putting up with him and his lies, a curse of living a miserable, nightmare of a life. When he let me go, he gave me another chance at life, a new hope of finding a love that is true. I thank him for not depriving me of that opportunity. I am truly grateful that he hurt and lied to me. I thank him for being the jerk that he was and still is because he made me see the difference between a big, fat, ugly toad and a chivalrous prince. It's amazing how sometimes we confuse these two. Hold up. Let me speak for myself. It's amazing how I tend to confuse these two. So, in spite of the things he did to me and despite the things he did not do for me, I thank him. I am not angry at you. In fact, I could not care less what he does in his life so long as he does not hurt the ones i love and he does not interact with me, I am fine with that. I am grateful because if it were not for him and the series of unfortunate events he led me to, I would not have met, fell in love with, and love the man that I love so dearly right now.

So to the Stupid Texter, you may not be as stupid as I might think. Or if you really are, for once your stupidity worked to my advantage.

Stupid Person + Mobile Phone =

Stupid Texter: ang pangit ng boyfriend mu. di kayo bagay. eew!

Me:Hu s ds?

Stupid Texter: jst a concern friend, boyfriend mu ba yung sa friendster? di kayo bagay mas okay pa yung first boyfriend mu atleast yun my similarities kayo gwapo pa.

Me: If you like my 1st bf mybe u shld go out w/him he'l b mre dn wiling to go out w/u bt be warnd tho he's a jerk.I hapen to love the guy on my friendster account.

Stupid Texter: gurl pala ako. anyways comment ko lang. di kayo bagay maganda ka, honestly kung baga sa barko tabingi kayo.

Stupid Texter: thank you for ur time. pangit talaga wag mu na display s friendster.advise lang.

Me: Ang panget un unang bf ko sinungaling un tsaka pango un bf ko ngyn matngos ang ilong.mgnda ang mata mgnda ang lips, matangkad, strong, athletc, matalino at mabaet!

Stupid Texter: dnt be like that to ur exbf. he is tstil ur ex n maybe he also his reasn why n also dnt nu. kaya taoo lang tayo. n people change n kahit papanu he got a gud in hm

Stupid Texter: jst like wat god said be forgvn n ul be forgven. anyways wat d heck. ur past is past.na shock lagn ako bkt yan ang pinili mung guy ngyn?maganda ka?sayang!

Me: Hm.S gramar mu prng lam ko n kng cnu k. Wg ka na magenglsh kc di ko maintndhan e. Nptwad koo n un, di ko galit dinescryb ko lng sia. Mahal ko ung bf ko ngyn.Mhal n mhal! :)

Stupid Texter: pagisipan mung mabuti. cuz maraming manghihinayan. jst call me aina.we could be gud friends pagmay problem ka jst txt me. u cn find a beter persn than u hve nw

Stupid Texter: maybe yun din ang nasabi mu s mga ex mu na they are ur heaven n earth. those are only words. but hindi talga kayo bagay PANGIT NG BOYFRIEND MU.

Me: I dnt think i evr sed dat 2 my exes. S kña lng. Gwapo gwapo nun nu. Kwawa k nman ihanap mu n lng srili mu ng mgmamhal sau.Kc ako d n ko naghahanap.Masaya n ko sa knya.

Stupid Texter: oo nga pala profesor ka. sory po ma'am. estudante nyo po lang ako. but u may hide me sa name na aina. dnt wory di na po ako magenglish. patawad po. god bles

Stupid Texter: wag po kayo magalit po ma'am. if u thnk yung bf mu agn d best then okay. pero pra samin as a group di talga. nakita lang po namin sa friendter nyo po patawad

Stupid Texter: sana po ma'am wag nyo pong personalin comment lang po n sarcastic remarks mukhang hipo.

Me:M sory bt i dnt thnk ur a s2dnt of myn. I happen 2 bliv dt s2dnts hr hav gud maners.Dy wil nvr judg sum1 basd un apirans.Dy r nt dt shalow.Hw dare u pos as a s2dnt.

Stupid Texter: whatever ma'am.

Me:Col me.

[I tried to call the texter, the call was cancelled.]

Stupid Texter: sory ma'am. low batt.

Me:Rily ian ds s so low. Shame on u! Wla akong s2dnt na kasing babaw mo! Get over urself! Kakasira ka ng araw!

Mr. and Mrs. Smith

We were talking last Monday and he asked me out. He said that since he thinks I look like Angelina Jolie (the gayuma I injected directly into his spinal cord is still taking its effect, available in all leading gayuma stalls in Quiapo, not tested on animals hehe) and he thinks he looks a lot like Brad Pitt too (must be the side effect of the gayuma) it is only fitting that we see the movie on its first play date.

Tuesday night, I was talking to a cofaculty when I saw a French Spring Festival brochure. Being a French enthusiast and the bad listener that I am, I looked at the contents while he was talking about his piano lessons (I was also listening on the side, I'm not that rude!) I came across a page that advertised Paris Off Color, a photo exhibit of George C. Tapan at Greenbelt 3. I was of course interested, it was a bonus that *** is also a photography enthusiast... well more than that, he was after all the editor of Retrato of Plaridel. I told him about it and it turns out that Tapan has given them a seminar years ago, back when he was still in Plaridel. We decided to reserve tickets at GB3.

Wednesday night, I was drained a bit already because of my classes. I got some doughnuts from Cello's Dips and Doughnuts to-go, they have nice tasting doughnuts and I wanted *** to try them. I wanted his sisters to try them too. I got two boxes and then went up to our unit to rest.

I was already lying on the couch when he texted about a project that he needed to demonstrate this Friday. I thought maybe he'd want to work on the project until late that night but he said he was going to demonstrate it the following week instead as agreed upon by him and his boss. He also told me that his mom was coming home from La Union and that his dad called to tell him. He declined to pick her up because he had a date with me. Though I was touched that he chose to still go to our date in spite his duties as a son and as a developer, I felt a bit guilty for being happy that he chose to be with me hehe... What if his mom hates me for this? Won't she feel that I'm snatching his son away from her? Is this projection? hehe...

Last night turned out to be one of the best movie nights that we have had so far.

He came around my place earlier than I expected. We went around GB3 first floor looking for the exhibit but the Tapan exhibit was not there. I was already a bit disappointed but I did not want to admit that the French Film Festival was all an imagination of mine, so we went to GB1 since the Tapan exhibit was supposed to coincide with the French Film Festival to be held at OnStage. It was there where we found out that the exhibit was right in front of the cinema where we were going to see the movie haha! :)

We saw the exhibit first, he signed the guestbook and then we had dinner. I like it that we talk with each other and I genuinely have fun when I am around him. While eating I thought I saw him look at my ring and a smile crept across his face. It could have been my imagination but I'd like to think it really happened. I am so happy to have him in my life.

It was a really good movie! Not a dull moment, I was either at the edge of my seat or laughing really hard! I definitely recommend that you see it. It's the best movie we have seen so far. Hitch of course is an exception hehe... It might have helped that when I saw this movie, I had my baby to hug during the heart-melting moments.

To my baby who has done nothing but special things for me. Thank you soh much. Last night, while we were at GB3 looking at the photos, I have thought of a nice surprise for him. It might not be as orchestrated as his surprises but I want to do it for him hehe :) I read this book before about nurturing the other person's interest and he is interested in photography but he has stopped taking pictures. Real pictures using a real camera. I'm planning to get him some film so he can start shooting again using his old camera in the meantime that he does not have a digital SLR yet. He said something about it being expensive if he uses film... we'll see what we can both do.

I don't know how it is possible that after four months of meeting you, I am still growing more and more in love with you each day that goes by. I find my heart skip a beat everytime I gaze at you, I still get the warm and fuzzy feeling everytime you reach for my hand, my cheeks burn when you put your arms around me, hugging you is the most wonderful feeling that I can think of after a stressful day, my tummy ties in a loop when you kiss me, my knees still weaken when you gaze at me, my eyes still light up when thoughts of you cross my mind. I have you always in my heart. How I got you to walk in there, I have no idea but heck, I am locking you in and throwing away the key! I love you baby more than I could ever express, more than I have ever conceived possible.

My Preciousss...

 


Yessssss... I will cherish it for ussssss... my preciousssss... won't let them take it from ussss...

Okay before you start thinking my brain has finally conked out read on.

My Sunday morning was as sunny as it can ever be though it was raining outside our unit. Nope. I was not going to let anything rain on my Sunday morning because my baby and I were celebrating our first month of taking the plunge into loving one another yesterday, June 5, 2005. I was as happy as I could be and definitely grateful to the Lord Almighty for giving me a beautiful boyfriend, partner and friend in my life.

He asked me to wake up at six in the morning and to wake him up when I do. I rang his phone, I was surprised that he was already wide awake at that time. That was very surprising because he is not the kind who wakes up really early on weekends. Well, not that early.

My bell rang and when I opened my door a beautiful bouquet of flowers, a dozen of white gerbera and five stargazers and a lot of cute green stuff (I don't know what to call them hehe) were on my doorstep. I looked around and then I saw him peering hehe from behind a wall. He was soh cute and adorable, wish I could have captured that moment!

He was unable to hug me right away because my mom was there but when he got the chance, he hugged me and said, "Happy First Month" my heart melted! He took pictures of me. I was surprised that he brought his Cybershot. Normally, we'd take pictures using my 6630. We had breakfast at home when he said, he was really planning to take me someplace but unfortunately, there was a storm coming. He was going to take me to Tagaytay, he has carefully planned that day and well, the storm has ruined it for us. I love it that he went so far as to plan each part of that day, he said we were to have breakfast and then we were to hear mass in Tagaytay. I was touched deeply too by the fact that he was disappointed that we cannot go because of the storm and because my mom will not allow it. Well she half-heartedly agreed but *** did not want to push it anymore. In fact, I was the one who insisted to try asking mom if we can go because I could see how disappointed he was.

We were driving aimlessly around CCP because he was wondering where we can go. I could tell he was really racking his brain because he wanted our first month's celebration to be really special. I don't know how I deserve to have a super thoughtful person in my life but I am thankful anyway. I knew he was trying to hide his grave disappointment but it was just too much for him to hide. My heart went out to him but at the same time, I really felt special to him at that moment. How I felt is beyond description.

I suggested instead to go to Megamall so we can go ice skating, we have not done that yet and so I thought that could make things special for us. He said he wanted to bring me to a place where I have never been to yet, Pagudpod! hehe... He brought me to Libis City Walk. We saw A Lot Like Love and then we ate at Fazoli's. After lunch and a lot of pictures later we strolled around the plaza and he found us a bench to sit on. Pretty much Notting Hill-ish :)! More pictures taken and more people ogled at later, I asked him to walk around the plaza too so I can watch him this time hehe... I watch other people and I wanted to watch him. i wanted to take pictures of him too! To my surprise, he really stood up and started walking around hehe! He was so cute. I want to learn how to take photos, and I was practicing that day and he was teaching me. I like it that he was teaching me. He went to the garden and picked a flower. A really small flower and then he sat beside me on the bench again.

He put his arm around me and then gave me the small flower, "Take this as a token of my love for you and as a symbol of our relationship... " or something to that effect, I was already giggling because I really found it sweet. And then he opened his closed fist and revealed to me two silver rings. Okay, at this point, if you already know me, it is not very hard for you to imagine that my eyes were falling out of their sockets and I was already gasping for air. Trying to contain myself but in vain. I was laughing and close to tears, I took the rings. Inside was an inscription, hehe... like in Lord of the Rings huh? I said kidding him.

My ring had his name: *** 05-05-05
His ring had my name: +++ 05-05-05

Really sweet. The ring fit my finger perfectly... That sneaky sweet guy got my size while he was trying to find out what his ring size was in RP before we saw Madagascar. He asked if he could fit a ring and the woman at Silver Works asked if I wanted to fit to. I did fit and there we found out what my size was. Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky! He took the ring and put it on my right ring finger. I took his ring and put it on his finger too, "I (my name) hereby give you this ring as a token of my love and undying faithfulness..." I forgot what I said because my head was up in the clouds... Everything was hazy, we were all that was vivid all the rest was a blur.

I am very happy to wear this ring. I feel blessed. I am not used to wearing rings but I enjoy wearing it because I love what it represents. What it stands for. I am afraid everytime I take it off that I might lose it. I pray that the power of the Ring will not blind me and cause me to be too posssssessssssive about my preciousssss... and to always be worried that precioussss will be sssstolen from usssss.... I love him so much and I want us to grow in love every day.

After our mushy moment, we got to shop at Nike Attitude, they had a sale and then we played one game of bowling. He was soh good and I was terrible at it. I hope I didn't embarass him. My average score is really 30, I got a 34 he got a 165. After the game, we heard mass at San Isidro and then he took me home. The streets were flooding already but he stayed for dinner still. After he went home, I thought that caps the celebration. I was wrong. He texted me at around eleven and he said:

At around this time a month ago, I confessed my love to you. Time passed so swiftly and with each passing day I find myself more in love with you, more happy that I have you. I love you baby. No reasons to tell for doing so. No need for magic potions to make it work. Just my love that's pure and unconditional. Hoping to share this love to you for a lifetime. Happy First Monthsary!!! I love you soh much 'by! Hugs adn kisses for you. Uhmmm! Mwuaah! :)

"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outwards together in the same direction."
- Antoine De Saint-Exupery 1900-1944
from "Airman's Odyssey

"Love doesn't make the world go round.
Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
- Franklin P. Jones

If I were pressed to say why I loved him,
I feel that my only reply could be:
'Because it was he, because it was I'. - Michel de Montaigne

The supreme happiness of life consists in the conviction that one
is loved; loved for one's own sake--let us say rather, loved in
spite of one's self; this conviction the blind man possesses.
To be served in distress is to be caressed. Does he lack anything?
No. One does not lose the sight when one has love. And what love!
A love wholly constituted of virtue! There is no blindness where
there is certainty. Soul seeks soul, gropingly, and finds it.
And this soul, found and tested, is a woman. A hand sustains you;
it is hers: a mouth lightly touches your brow; it is her mouth:
you hear a breath very near you; it is hers. To have everything
of her, from her worship to her pity, never to be left, to have
that sweet weakness aiding you, to lean upon that immovable reed,
to touch Providence with one's hands, and to be able to take
it in one's arms,--God made tangible,--what bliss! The heart,
that obscure, celestial flower, undergoes a mysterious blossoming.
One would not exchange that shadow for all brightness!
The angel soul is there, uninterruptedly there; if she departs,
it is but to return again; she vanishes like a dream, and reappears
like reality. One feels warmth approaching, and behold! she is there.
One overflows with serenity, with gayety, with ecstasy; one is a
radiance amid the night. And there are a thousand little cares.
Nothings, which are enormous in that void. The most ineffable
accents of the feminine voice employed to lull you, and supplying
the vanished universe to you. One is caressed with the soul.
One sees nothing, but one feels that one is adored. It is a paradise
of shadows.
-Victor Hugo from Les Miserables (My favorite part in the whole book)

Swept Away

I never had anything happen so fast
I took one look and I shattered like glass
I guess I let it show
'Cause your smile told me you knew

That you're everything I ever wanted at once
There's no holding this heart
When it knows what it wants
And I never wanted anything more than to know you

I was swept away
No one in the world but you and I
Gotta find a way to make you feel the way that I do

I was swept away
Without a warning
Like night when the morning begins the day
I was swept away

And so it begins
This journey of love
The summer wind carries us
To places all our own

The words of a look
The language of touch
The way that you want me means so much
And I never wanted anything more than to love you

I am swept away
No one in the world but you and I
Gotta find a way to make you feel the way that I do

I am swept away
Without a warning
Like night when the morning begins the day
I was swept away

Away - seeing my tomorrows in your eyes
I was swept away

I hope I wake up soon
I'm a victim of that crazy moon

The very first time you said my name
I knew it would never sound the same
Something about me is changed forever

Can't you see that I'm swept away
No one in the world but you and I
Gotta find a way to make you feel the way that I do

I am swept away
Without a warning
Like night when the morning begins the day
I was swept away

Away - seeing my tomorrows in your eyes
Gotta find a way to make you feel the way that I do

I was swept away
Without a warning
Like night when the morning begins the day
I was swept away

We were swept away
Dreamin' of you, swept away

Swept Away - Paolo Santos

Chasing Dreams

Written June 10, 2004 :

I have always wanted to become a newscaster but I took up Computer Science. I was afraid I might end up jobless after I graduate so I took up a course that seemed to be in demand in 1997. I thought, if I really wanted to be a newscaster, I can still be a newscaster even if I took up Computer Science.

I did not find my course easy but I managed somehow and was able to snatch an honorable mention in the end. You would think after I graduate I would go after my dream, that was what I thought too but no, I stayed in my comfort zone teaching college students. It’s fun. I enjoy it but there is a missing part of me, it has stayed locked in my heart where my deepest desire was. I still wanted to newscast.

Time and again, there would be advertisements calling for newscasters but I will never even try to pass my resume. I saw auditions as a tiresome process to achieve masochistic pleasure. A window of opportunity for people to reject and hurt you. All these changed after reading The Alchemist. I have a dream and I must run after it, it was all that I could think of after reading it. I became restless. I have only a few years on earth and I am not spending these years wandering about, thinking what might have been.

I auditioned for a newscaster position at Wazzup Wazzup. It’s a crazy news show. I met a lot of people there, some of whom I still communicate with. I felt closer to some of them than I did to some people I have spent years with. We all had common dreams and we were all there to see if we can make them come true. I passed the first and second screening but did not quite make it since they never called me. I was rejected. But I was not broken inside as I expected. I have never felt so complete and feisty at the same time.

Until the day of the audition, I have never been so starved yet full at the same time, exhausted yet energized, I have never felt so alive. I do not know yet the feeling of fulfilling my dream but what I am sure of is, my dream sure beats anything I have ever tried in my life.

Yesterday

We saw Madagascar last Monday. It did prove to be funny hehe... "I like to move it, move it" kept playing in our heads!

Yesterday, I attended a board meeting with the DLSAA-CCS chapter. I hitched a ride with an officemate and *** was sweet enough to offer me a ride home. He picked me up. Again, he had to wait for hours to go there. I swear this person finds new ways to show me he loves every single day and I can only be grateful for having him in my life! While waiting for me a car backed up on his car, good thing his car's bumper only got a scratch that can be removed by rubbing. I admired him once again for still being his jolly self in spite of this. He does not sweat the small stuff hehe... :) One of the things that endeared him to me.

It's nice to have someone to be with, to belong to. I have forgotten how this felt like. Most of the things I feel right now, I think I'm feeling for the first time. What's nicer is that we can be mushy and still have fun! We can just cuddle up to each other and we can laugh our heads off too!

Lightsabers and a Pig

*** and I saw Revenge of the Sith last Friday. I was disappointed. It was not the work of art I was expecting it to be. We were rushing because we had to claim the tickets earlier and while I was worried that we might not be able to claim the tickets he was not. He was more worried that we were unable to park at GB3 and that I had to walk from Park Square 2 wearing my wedge shoes. He was worried about me when he was the one who just came from a basketball game. He stays calm for both our sanity. Thanks baby!

If you ask me Madagascar is a better film by leaps and bounds hehe... It was a total laugh trip film. I saw it with my sister and my brother yesterday. *** and I are planning to watch it since he did not come to see it with us. He's still timid around my family, my siblings are a bit weird around new guys in my life and he feels that. The soundtrack is great and it's really funny!

I sat with a couple and well sitting with them made me thank the Lord for sending me Vince and not the guy who was a seat away from me(I was sitting beside his girlfriend). He was snapping at the girl and he was not at all sweet. Can he be more mean? I know the guy actually he's a batchmate but we were never close and I doubted if he remembered me. They were not at all sweet or affectionate. There was a time when the girl wondered aloud and the guy snapped, "It's a cartoon Jen!". He was not even cute. He was shushing her... treating the girl horribly! What a loser! The girl deserves so much better!

Guys should know how to treat girls better! I came to Cinema2 of GB3 to see animals make a fool of themselves and ended up seeing a boyfriend make a pig of himself.

Through the Fire

I have too many things to learn this trimester and my brain's wheels are turning again after a long time of sleeping hehe :) I am having fun so far. The stress is not taking its toll yet... save for a few pimples on my face.

After more than a month I finally drove to Alabang again... I have not gone to a single prayer meeting since my accident. It was nice to worship again. When I raise up my hands to worship the Lord it just really sets me free and it puts a smile on my face. I had such a big smile across my face when I was singing at the top of my lungs because I was just soh grateful!

The prayer meeting was about passion, death and resurrection. There are times when we do not feel His presence and we hate Him for it. We love Him when we feel He is in our life but we curse him when we feel He has abandoned us. I hope I will never have to feel this Lord.

There was also an elder who shared about his wife. His wife was given two months to live due to some malfunction in his wife's liver. He prayed to God and he heard from Him that she will be healed. After a few weeks, the wife indeed started getting better but after a while, she started to deteriorate again. He cursed Him. He hated Him until a friend showed him a passage on the bible that says "...you of little faith can you not see that only prayers and faith can heal her.". He came back to Him again, this time surrendering everything. Two months passed and the wife was still alive. She was brought to the States and there she was found to be healthy. Praise God.

The story touched me because like the man, I am in love and like anyone who loves, we do not want to lose the one we love. His desire to fight for her life touched me deeply.

We all go through suffering from time to time, perhaps for us to be refined. Like gold we have to be put under fire for us to shine our best. Maybe we go through pain because as they say without darkness there can never be light. We go through pain so we'll know what heaven feels like.

I used to question why I had to have failed relationships in the past. I used to question why I had to meet toads while in search for the one. I appreciate my prince now because of the toads i met along the way. I know better how to take care of a relationship, a partnership because of mistakes in the past. Thank you for preparing both of us. Thank you for the pains in the past, for making us shine our best.

--------

He waited for me for hours until the prayer meeting ended. We had a snack at ATC but the real highlight of that night was when he carried me at the parking lot. You see, the parking lots at ATC are elevated since it's located on a hill and the terrain is not that flat... I was looking for stairs and I could not find any... He carried me so I can go down... Like a prince charming he carried me. It felt nice being carried by him. Thank you Lord for my piece of heaven! :) All the fires I went through in the past is all worth it. Thanks. :)

My Braaahder ees Naaaahht aaaa Peeehg!

I just realized that I really do not like it when people accuse me of something I did not do. I can tolerate other things but not a false accusation. I will argue with you up to the last drop of my saliva, to the point of jaw cramps until one of us gets really pissed off. Yup, that's how much I hate it. It does not matter how shallow the accusation may be. How flimsy the cause of it, an accusation is an accusation and I hate it.

Tonight a coworker of mine accused me of being inconsiderate. I value my name as all the rest I guess and perhaps this is the reason why I have to rise up to my defense from time to time. It was really shallow. In fact, it's too shallow for me to even expound here because it is to a point embarrassing already.

Grr...

Now I know how Nora felt when she said... My brader is nat a peeg!!!

On a lighter note...

Since May 5 my account has been screaming to the whole Friendster community that I already am in a relationship my boyfriend's friendster account for so long was still advertising him as a single man. I was of course disturbed but I did not want to demand from him. I knew that in time he will change it and I know if he did it on his own it will feel so much better. Today, I braved checking again though I was no longer expecting to see In a Relationship in his account... I was actually bracing my heart already from the pain that the page will bring. Yup, it hurts every time I go there hehe... You must wonder why I still go there... Don't ask me... Okay fine! Maybe because a part of me is hoping that one of these days it will change. Well, this afternoon I was surprised to see that he has updated his account. I was very glad!

He did say before that he could not access the site from his office and that he had to use a prepaid account from his house for him to access it and update it. I was glad he did. It made my day.

This afternoon after the 5:30 mass, I went to the sacristy/chaplain's office to talk to the priest because I had to confess. You see, while I was in Galera we failed to hear the Sunday mass. The church was far and we got to Manila at 1030pm already. I was relieved that the priest allowed me to confess right then and there. I took the opportunity to ask him too if it was okay to receive communion even if I failed to hear mass... He said it was okay since that was not a mortal sin. I was relieved again because I have been receiving communion since the day after Galera. I just don't understand why I should not receive Him. A priest once said in his homily that it was okay to receive Him even if you had sins. I just had to ask the priest again to be sure.

Basking in Your Love

This is the second time I'm typing this and I am not the least bit annoyed probably because I enjoy trying to recall everything that has happened. :)

Friday night, I was already home at my unit done with the workshop and done with my 20lap swimming workout. He was at a badminton tournament leveling and I was very busy packing my stuff. It's a complex process to pack. i have to try out everything that I am bringing to make sure that everything will fit me. I end up trying out three times the number of clothes I really have to bring and so begins the process of elimination. It takes me forever to pack. I am always afraid of leaving something behind. Call me sissy. I am.

We talked on the phone when he got home. I think we hung up at two in the morning. We both had to wake up early because we were meeting his friends at six in the morning. I was going to wake him up because he has a problem with alarm clocks. Surprises of surprises, I did not wake up when my phone alarmed. He had to call me to wake me up. I took a quick bath and was really glad that I prepared my stuff the night before.

I decided to wait at our lobby since we were already running late. He got my bag, and took care of my bag We hailed a jeep and then I remembered we had to get more sun block because my sun block might not be enough. All the while, I thought we were meeting his friends at Vito Cruz so I jumped off the jeep in front of SEven Eleven. It was only then that I found out that we were to meet them at Buendia and well... I was embarrassed of course but like a true gentleman he did not make a big deal out of it.

We met up with his friends at Jollibee Buendia. I was nervous because they were his friends and they knew the other girl who had a crush on *** back in college. I found out after the exchange of introductions that they worked with *** in Plaridel. Most of them were editors. His ex came into mind because she was after all an editor too. I got even more nervous... but only for a while, at least until I felt his hand touch my hand. I knew I was going to be fine. He has a calming effect on me. It is because of him that I have become more comfortable meeting new people. His friends are always nice. His Plaridel friends are especially nice.

We got on a bus going to Batangas. The bus' aircon was malfunctioning and so we had to sweat it out all the way to Batangas. I never complained though because being with my baby was more than enough. I guess it's true when they say it's heaven beside the person you love. The place was not that romantic, it was a bus with an aircon that has bogged down yet all I could think of was how blessed I was to be on this trip with him. You see, I was almost unable to go with him to Galera because I was supposed to teach professionals how to program starting last Saturday. The seminars however, were cancelled at the last minute and so I was able to go with them. I really like it when things just fall into place!

The sun was glaring when we got to the Batangas Terminal but I was ever chirpy because I was having fun and the excitement of the trip was nowhere near extinguishable. I saw a friend's sister there too. Even the terminal was stuffy but I was unaffected. We boarded a boat called Brian, not without pictures of course. By this time, I have become fond of his female friend who happens to be chirpy and funny too. She says a lot of bad words but I'm used to that since I have had high school friends who were like that. I saw a student and his mom on the boat.

The boat ride to Galera was more comfortable than my first time there. No, I am not just saying that because I was with my baby this time around. It was really less splashy and the boat was more steady. I guess it's coz the boat was bigger and more populated. While in the boat the clouds became darker and it made me say a silent prayer for a good weather. Thank you Lord for giving us that good weather. We all had fun because you did. :)



Galera Shore 


My heart leaped with joy when we got to the Galera shores because I could not believe that this was all happening. I was with my baby in Galera. Never in my dreams did I imagine (hehe well maybe I did!) that my mother would let me go there with him! It was all surreal! This was better than a dream definitely!!! *giggle*

We rented a room a few minutes from the beach front. It was an okay place, I mean the CR was okay and there were beds and that was all I thought we needed. It was relatively far from the beach so we decided to not make so many trips to the house. It was also quite a hassle to go back and forth to the house so we all decided not to go back several times. It was good that I brought a small bag and the female friend I was fond of also brought along her satchel. So *** with my pink bag in tow and I and his Plaridel friends went to the beach. We swam and I got to practice my strokes. Yess... It felt really good swimming in the sea! Yeah! Got to do my butterfly strokes, not perfect yet but with practice I think I'm getting there. It was nice swimming with my baby. It was the first time we swam as a couple... Haha... Yeah, it's monumental for me! He's the only boyfriend I swam with! :) We spent most of the time checking out girls in their two piece finding the perfect body hehe :)

After dinner, his friends decided to swim again, I did not want to swim anymore because it was very dark already. *** and I decided to just watch over our things and we laid down on the sand without a sarong. He laid on his back, I laid on his stomach and together we stared at the starless sky. Yup the stars were just in my head. It was heaven lying on the sand with the one I love. WE just talked about things. ASked each other questions. I like it when we do that. From time to time, I would find sexy bodies and point them out to him hehe... His ogling used to bother me but now it does not anymore. If I can't beat him I'll just join him. As a girl I cannot keep myself from ogling, I can understand if it is Wquite impossible for guys hehe... girls are just too pretty to disregard. We slept at 2:30 am that day.

The following day, we decided to go to the rocky part of Galera. It was a difficult climb because the rocks were sharp and some of them looked slippery and unsteady. I cut myself going down to the water but apart from the small cut I was fine. After that experience though, I was sure I did not want to go up to the rocks again I decided to just swim all the way to teh shore. *** did not want to let me because I might get cramps since I was wearing sandals and all... I assured him I won't drown and besides I was wearing my bright orange suit so I'm sure it won't be difficult to spot my floating drowned body if ever. It turned out that swimming was indeed easier.


The Rocks 

The final twenty minutes of my stay was the highlight of my stay. He got a henna tattoo on his right arm and shortly after we went shopping since we were running short of time. It was a hot and humid day and shopping just made the heat more unbearable. It was after he bought me a cute pink souvenir shirt when I noticed that his tattoo was ruined because sweat was trickling over the design. I tried to clean it with my fingers. He stopped me. I thought he wanted me to stop because I might make it worse. He made me stop because he did not want my hand stained with henna. I just thought that was the sweetest. While he was also worried about his henna he was more concerned on how I was doing. He was more concerned if I was tired already. He was more worried if we were going too fast and he was always checking if I was okay. While we were waiting to board the boat, he was still in a very good mood. He was not throwing tantrums considering that he could not find the pair of earrings that he also bought for his sister. He is amazing. He handled the series of unfortunate events so well. I do not know anyone who could have handled it as good as he did. He was even saying how he learned so many lessons from that afternoon. He was just so positive. He made me love him more... *sigh* I am soh lucky to have such a sweet, thoughtful, selfless person in my life.

On the way back I slept on his bag, that was on his lap throughout the boat ride. On the bus I did the same. He was gently planting kisses on my forehead and on my hair as I was falling asleep. It was heaven. Thank you Lord for giving me my piece of heaven on earth.

I went to Galera to bask in the sun but I ended up basking in your love baby. I love you. I don't understand how you could have fallen in love with me but I thank the Lord for letting you love me. Everyday, you find new ways to tell me that you love me. I hope you know how much I love you too. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone (not in my family hehe). Everyday I find myself growing more in love with you. *sigh* Who could have thought I could feel this way about somebody. Who would have thought that you can make me this happy?

The Lord knew all along... He just wanted to surprise me. Lord, it was the most wonderful surprise! Thank you soh much! Help me take care of this gift. *hugs*

Surprise

Last Thursday, our company went for an outing to Los Baños, Laguna for a workshop. We worked most of the day of Thursday until 530pm after that we had the time to ourselves until around 1pm of Friday. The workshop was interesting though not that exciting. After the workshop we had our dinner.

*** texted me during the workshop and asked if I needed anything. He started asking if the resort is the resort that he went to before. He described the place, asked if the place is along the highway and so on... I was growing in suspicion at the time but I did not want to expect that he'd come and visit me because the resort was really far. At the back of my mind though, there was a little voice reminding me of what he said the night before, I'm going to make my presence felt.

I invited him to come since his text messages seemed as though he was disappointed that I did not invite him. I didn't because I thought the place we were going to was not going to be okay and he had work. I know I said I did not want to expect but every part of me wished he'd come to surprise me. He did not accept the invitation and told me he was going to go home already. He only had three hours of sleep the night before because of his badminton tournament leveling and after the tournament we spoke on the phoneSo there... he was not going to come after all, I thought. I thought... He called me while I was having dinner so I walked away from the videoke hungry population of my workplace and went to a quiet corner of the resort. We talked on the phone for twenty minutes. All the while he was telling me how he was going home already and he was also asking me questions about the resort. After 20, he said he'd call me again so I went back to my table. He called again after five and we started talking again about the resort. When I looked to my left I saw a guy who looked a lot like him... I was getting giddy already but at the same time I was cautious too because I didn't really think it will be ***. I told him about the guy standing a few meters away from me and asked if I should come near to see they face of the guy. It was him! My heart did a somersault of joy! It was really soh sweet of him to come all the way to LB to just see me. I finally got to introduce him to my cofaculty. He was very gracious and confident. He even joined our Videoke sessions! He sang two songs. Being the drag queen stuck in a girl's body, when the song Fame started playing I instinctively jumped at the mic and started singing... and dancing, really embarassing stuff hehe... And *** was there! The whole time he was just there supporting me. I asked him if he felt embarassed and he said it was okay and that he has long accepted that I am like this. I really love it that I can be myself around him and know that he will not judge me.

He stayed until past ten and then left for his place in LP. My officemates were amazed with the surprise because that sure took a lot of sacrifice on his part. They tell me that's love. They don't have to tell me because I can feel the love. I feel so blessed to have him in my life. I love you so much baby! Thank you for coming into my life and for loving me the way you do! I feel like I am in love for the first time!

A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Medicine Go Down

Just the other day I was wondering what I was going to do with my THEOPRO class since it can be a bit boring... Just yesterday I was bored to death and unexcited about the coming trimester well, today I got a big surprise! My load to teach Surigao students via microwave (yup I'll be on TV) can be used only for next trimester so the implication of which is, I have to prepare for FETVI but at the same time I will have the normal teaching load so yeah in a way, I'm overload this trimester. I am excited to teach WEBDEVE! ;) It's something new and now I have something to look forward to! I decided to teach because partly, I want to keep on learning and teaching a new subject will definitely give me this opportunity! Thank you Lord! I know this is You working!

I am a bit nervous too since this is a new prep for me but I know You will not let me down!

The whole faculty room now knows that I have a boyfriend! Yup, it was like a press conference today but it feels good, like a release hehe! Everybody I think was happy to know that my love life is up and running again! :)

Sugar Rush

Have you ever had too much sweets? Feeling energetic one moment and then really, really dizzy and sleepy the next? Taking in too much glucose for your brain's blood supply is really bad. I'm feeling like this right now and I don't know if it's coz the LPEP activity got me really exhausted or if I'm just not in the mood to start teaching again on Monday hehe... I can't believe vacation is over. I guess long vacations are not for me.

----

On a happier note, I had fun doing LPEP. It was fun because I knew exactly how they were feeling at that moment because once, I was like them too. I was a freshman wondering what was in store. Though there were disappointments, sleepless nights, all in all, college was a pretty good stage in my life too.

I am so much happier now. *** called for 20 minutes and I was really happy that he did 'coz I was lacking energy earlier. I guess there are some sweets I will never get enough of!

Hmm... It seems like all I have ever been writing for so long is about *** this, *** that, I am happy with us but I also want to see life in a bigger picture. I want my life to be a big picture with him in it. I don't want just a portrait of him. I know that if I stay too focused on him, it will not be healthy. I know that it will not be good for our relationship. So in as much as I enjoy just thinking about him I know that I should also focus my attention on other things. He encourages me of course to keep on doing the things I will usually do. He does. He's amazingly supportive it is just that I tend to hehe.. be stubborn. So now, I am personally telling myself to broaden my perspective on the world. I love him and I know that it will serve him better if I will strive to become a better person by for example, finishing my thesis, doing great in my job, participating actively in my community, being a good sister, being a good friend, being the well-rounded person I am trying to be.

Thank You

I never thought I could feel this way about anyone. Trusting my whole heart to somebody. I figured this is my last attempt in love and I want to give it my all. If this does not work, that's just too bad for me. I don't want to look back later on and wish I could have given more. Well, I have not regretted about anything in my past relationships except maybe for having had them. I just want to make the most out of this one.

Everyday, when I wake up and realize that he is in my life, I cannot help but thank the Lord for leading him to me and me to him. This has always been my prayer. I feel in my heart that he is the Lord's answer to that prayer that I have said for years. When I gaze upon his face, my heart just jumps with glee, filled with happiness and contentment. I will never be able to express in words how grateful I am for his presence in my world. I won't say he made me happy, or that he completed me because I really believe I was happy and complete before he came along. What I do know though, is that now that he is in my life, it's more colorful, happier, more interesting and I would not have wished for a better turn of events.

I said before how he was a demo version. Now that he is my boyfriend (yess...) he cooks for me, still washes the plates, clears the table and more sweet than ever! So, maybe he's still in his demo version haha! I really love him! I must have done something right in my life 'cause the Lord gave me one nice angel.

I love you baby!

It is my hope and my prayer that I also become a good partner to you. I thank you most of all for making me want to be a better person for us.

My 5 Seconds on the Stage

Last night we were at Blue Wave again to see South Border... The waiter at Plato Platina told us they were coming along with Kitchie Nadal. Surprises of all surprises, it was True Faith and Kitchie Nadal. I knew we should not have believed the waiter after he gave me Putanesca instead of Pesto el Penne and my boyfriend (just really wanted to use the word haha!) rice instead of mashed potatoes... I even asked the water, if what he gave me was pesto because it was bloody red! The waiter nonchalantly said, yes! Harhar! Maybe the basil and the parsley mutated haha! But I was too happy to care if what I was eating was Putanesca or Pesto... I did not care... I was happy...

Going back...

Kelly of Magic 89.9 was the host of the night and there was a game. She asked for someone who can name three restaurants at the Blue Wave. It was a no brainer considering that we were surrounded by three restaurants so I thought people near the stage would answer. *** dared me to go up the stage haha... Who is he kidding? He does not dare me to go up there... because I wanted to! Haha! I won a t-shirt and a CD! The CD's pretty good. It's a compilation of R&B stuff... The shirt's okay too... :) I like it that he was not ashamed of me, if anything I thought I sensed some pride in him... I like it that I can wear anything when I am with him and I would still feel safe.

True Faith is a great band! I still enjoyed it. The lead vocalist's seques were noteworthy and he is a great dancer. A total performer. You should see them perform live some time. The Putanesca was not so bad either. I realized, sometimes we don't get exactly what we want but that doesn't mean it's not as good... sometimes what we're handed turns out to be better... hmm... or am I just complacent?

----

I want this relationship I am in right now. He is the best boyfriend! So why can't I just enjoy the moment? Why am I worried? Why am I freakin' paranoid? I am afraid that I might do something that will blow this relationship 'coz it's just so good right now and I don't want it to end... Do you understand that feeling? I love him soh much that I don't want anything to ruin what we have. I am soh afraid that I might ruin it... haha... I don't want to be paralyzed by fear, I want to be in the now because I want to savor every moment. Away with you fear!!! Away with you! *chants* haha :)

Life is good because God is good! :) I should trust what He gives me because what He gives is good! Amen!

I love 555!

No not the sardines! The date, 05-05-05!

He asked me if we could have dinner together because he missed me. Weird, I thought, considering it was a Thursday and he had a basketball game scheduled at 8pm. I wanted to see him too 'coz i was missing him the day before that so badly that I think I viewed our pictures to sleep. Freaky I know but I know someone else who does that! :)

He drove me to Blue Wave since we were going to have dinner at Plato Platina. It was around 11:30pm already by this time. It was odd because he took longer to get to my place and the car smelled of his perfume. He smells good all the time but last night was just too much. It was like he perfumed the car. He parked the car but he did not turn off the engine. I was thinking, nooneenoo he's wasting gas but what the heck! I'm happy as long as I'm with him.. Then he asked me do you remember today? I said yes, I know today is special. What day is today? May 5, 2005. 05-05-05, yup it's a sardinas day today! And then he asked me if I could be his baby, his girl, his lady, his life. At this point I was giggling and laughing... He looked me in the eye and said in the most sincere way, I love you. I stared back at him, my brain not working for a while... too much for my hypothalamus to process! I said I love you too... Then he reached for a shirt at the back of his car... I did see his backseat and well... it was in disarray with a white shirt on the seat. He asked me if I could fold his shirt. I did as I was told laughing asking if that was a test.

He asked me to put the shirt at the back and there I saw a bouquet of 24 -> correction... i counted this time haha :) it's 48, 2 dozens of pink and 2 dozens of white flowers! The bouquet was huge! By this time, I already wanted to cry but I remembered my make-up. The rest of the evening, I was just floating and my head was filled with air and happy thoughts and sparkling moonstars...

Yup, last night was a great night! I will always look back to that night with a smila and a song in my heart.

---
I had a nose bleed shortly after he left... My brain apparently cannot handle more than one surprise in a week haha! I did have a nosebleed! I don't know what the reason was but yeah... hehe :) I am so happy...

I pray to the Lord above who led us to one another that He be the reason that we stay together. Let our relationship glorify You!

I love you baby!

Warmth of Cold

I got a bad cold. Worst cold that I have ever had in years but last Monday it has proven itself to be the best too. Allow me to expound.

He visited me that Monday night and brought me fresh orange juice. The kind that my brother and I like except it was a different brand. He said I should drink plenty of juice and water. He was sick himself and he was blaming himself for letting me get his cold though I really think I got this from overexhausting myself for the few days.

He brought out espasols and pili candies and beaded necklaces that he got from Quezon. He went there for his family reunion. During which he was always calling me up and texting me despite the limited cell coverage there.

He stayed for a while to chat and talk to me about the resort they went to in Tayabas. He wants me to see the place and says that he will brave yet again asking my mom so I can go. We're planning to bring along my little sister and my friend Bhennie. I'm so excited already... Going back...

He said goodbye already, I walked him to the elevator and then a few minutes later he texted me asking me to look around if he dropped something. I worried that he might not have dropped whatever it was in the unit but I looked anyway with increasing suspicion... Hmm... why is he so sure that this was where he dropped the item? I did see him fixing his plastic bags earlier... He came with plastic bags but I figured that was where he placed everything and I did not want to ask too many questions about the stuff that he had... I did not want to be rude.

I looked under the couch and saw how dirty it was under there *evil laugh*! Apart from all the trash, and some that look like trash now, I saw an envelope with my name and my address. The returnee's address just had the words Guess Who written in a nice penmanship. The stamp had a smiley face. The card alone made me start laughing and giggling. As if that's not enough, I saw 12 pink gerbera flowers in a bouquet tied with a pink ribbon. That just took my breath away!

I called him, I couldn't stifle my laughter and he just pretended like he did nothing... We talked a few minutes and then he had to hang up coz he had to gas up. He called me up again for 15 minutes until he got home. He is just the sweetest guy ever! Are these the flowers that I have been waiting for? I have known him for twelve weeks now. :)

--------
On a more scary note, his mother saw my picture already. The Pond's commercial comes into mind, "Soy hijo pienza que si!" haha! His mother seems to be very particular with appearance and well... that's not really my forte hehe... I think we all know that from my hair alone. I just really hope and pray that she'd like me! :) She says I have a Close-Up smile though, if what *** tells me is true. She asked several questions... interrogated is more appropriate in this aspect I think. Meet the Parents comes into mind with all the lie detectors and stuff... hehe... Oh well... Here goes... I think I have taken the plunge long before I was aware. I am loving every moment of the free fall, feeling the wind brush against my face, my body falling helplessly, allowing gravity to just pull me... hoping hard, praying hard that I will land safe and sound, without regrets and happy as I ever could be.

Eden

I have been here before
But somehow today is different
More vibrant are the flowers' colors
Bluer is the sky above
More fragrant is the air I breathe
It must be you standing here beside me
Embracing me with your love
Whispering tender words to keep me warm

Meet the Family

Last Tuesday I had to go pick up something at Ortigas. I texted my friend working in Makati if she wanted to meet up. She said she had to run some errands. Very unusual, she rarely declines.

I got my check and went to Shangri-la. Texted Cherie who works near the place. Told her I was at Shang. She said okay. So I guess she was going to do something else too. I strolled for a bit and then went back to Taft. Upon seeing McDonald's I got hungry though it was just 5pm at the time. I ate already.

I was planning to go to my unit already when a student started walking along with me. I could not go to my unit coz I don't want him to know where I live so I walked to Gox instead. I ended up booting my computer and using my YM. My co faculty members invited me to an early dinner too but I had to decline since I have had dinner five minutes before they invited me.

*** told me days before that it was his sister's birthday but I did not think that he wanted to tell me anything other than that. That night, he told me that his ate texted him that she was treating them to a dinner. He asked me if I wanted to come... My heart stopped! I just prayed for this at the Pink Sisters in Tagaytay last Monday (should be a different entry).

The dinner went well... He really took care of me. From the moment we stepped out of the car to meet everyone he really was behind me. Before we got into the restaurant we had to walk on an island, i was wearing stilettos and I slipped but he caught my fall. This was the highlight of my evening hehe!

He has a beautiful family. His father is so gwapo and tizoy! They were nice, his cousins were especially fun! I am glad i have met him. He says I am the first girl he ever introduced to his family. Of course I was deeply touched by this. I asked him, "First? So there's going to be a second?" he said,"No. You're the first and you'll be the last.". Wow. Really sweet words. Every bone in my body wishes that this were true.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled"

I was getting eaten up by my insecurities the other day until early yesterday. I was really down in the dumps because I found out about this girl from the States...

I know I should not be snooping in her Friendster page. I should not even be thinking of her anymore since he assured me that they don't talk to each other anymore and that he already chose me. Maybe it's just me and my inability to compete with others because when I begin to compare I always feel so small. Small is an understatement. Needless to say but I'm saying it anyway, I have issues. (Have you ever wondered how needless the word needless is? I mean if it's needless why say it at all?)

I found out that she is a very outgoing person who can cook and play tennis and play the piano. She seems to me like a really fun person. She happens to be a graduate of Mechanical Engineering who happens to be smart and pretty. She got a poem, flowers and stuffed toys from him. Do I sound like Bridget Jones right now? Sheesh... pathetic I know. To sum it all up, she seemed like an almost perfect person and if I were a guy I would court her too! How do I compete with that? Rather, did I really win over her? So my doubts began to take its toll and me and I slowly degenerated to a microscopic organism insignificant to the vast universe.

Thank God for my friend Cherie who happened to be taking a bath at the time I called. In spite that, she answered the phone and called me back right away. She patiently listened to my ramblings. We actually came up with a solution! Thanks friend!

The following morning, I was feeling less crappy but crappy nonetheless. My ex wanted to hear mass too so we walked to the chapel. As we were walking I told him how sick I was always feeling insecure. Yes, I was insecure with my first and second ex's exes. He told me he knew who I was comparing myself to because he has done his homework. He said I should not feel like that.

The homily was about Jesus telling the apostles to not let their hearts be troubled. The priest said the very word, "insecurities". He says no matter how many insecurities we have, we should not let our hearts be troubled. We should always trust what is right, just and true. We should look upon Jesus as our strength and trust in Him and what He gives us! After that, I was comforted. Thank you Jesus for sending me so many angels to remind me of Your love and how I should never feel inadequate.

That night he picked me up for a movie and dinner date. I felt loved and cared for with him. I could not help but thank the Lord for sending this beautiful person in my life. I thank Him for giving me another chance to love and be loved. I feel safe and secure when I am with him. I have this big smile pasted across my face every minute we are together. It's a dizzying and ecstatic feeling. Thank You for this gift. I could not help but wonder too, how in the world he chose me.

This morning I found a letter from my ex and I cried as I read it:

I don't really know why I am currently bothered. Probably it's because of what you just related to me after the mass. Somehow, seeing you drenched with insecurities has affected me and has caused a lingering ache in my heart. I cannot shrug it off no matter ho wmuch I try to. I saw him again when I went out this afternoon dressed up in office attire, probably waiting for you to coem down. I pray that you're okay. I pray that you find the bliss, self-confidence and the security that will makeyou at peace... that will also make me at peace. I pray that he be your true knight in shining armor as I expected him to be. I'm sorry for not having the courage to be by your side today. I was planning to treat you out for lunch at the Pancake House to pull up your spirits and to talk with you but somehow yet again, fate intervened. To be very honest, I don't know how to act in front of you considering the situation that we have. I hope you be honest and open enough to give me feedback, and tell me what will make you feel better.

I wish you luck. I hope you realize that my learning to accept this situation positively, tat controlling my tendency to divulge my desperate feelings is my biggest expression of how much I value you. Your strength is my strength remember? Seeing you happy makes me happy. You left a big void in my heart, and I've been doing a lot of constructive activities just to fill that void. I still think of you a lot, adn still miss you at times, but I will brave these lonely, sentimental moments for your sake. You can rest assured that I will take this stage as an opportunity for serious ntrospection and to learn and improve myself.

Rid yourself of insecurities because I don't see any good reason for you to have any. I didn't have qualms introducing you to my family because I saw in you the totality of what I've been looking for. My family easily accepted you because you're okay. You're confident, pretty, intelligent, and witty. I have loved (literally fell deeply for you) because you're passionate, compassionate, simple, appreciative, God-fearing, fun to be with, family-oriented and a natural born leader. You made me feel important and your love made me more confident of myself. Do you know how difficult it is to find women with your qualities? Somebody with that combination of beauty, brains and personality? Until now, I haven't met somebody who possesses all those that endeared you to me. I am sure *** also sees that... and and all those who tried to win your heart. So, hold your head up high, because you're one admirable adn accomplished lady. You will always have this special place in my heart...

Thank you so much for the kind words and the love. I am sorry things did not turn out as we had hoped in our relationship. I pray you will find happiness and love too. Thank you for being brave and strong. You are always in my prayers.

I do - n't think so

When there are two people in love when do they know they already have a relationship?

Is it when they kiss?
When the other person puts his arm around the other person?
First hug?
When you start calling each other using terms of endearment?

Does it matter if they both agree to commit? What does that change? Isn't that just a date to remember? Is it really just to keep count the number of days they are together? Surely it does not assure them both that they will stay together because I know of so many cases where you have a commitment to each other and still one of two starts cheating. Does it really help that they have a commitment or does it just further complicate things? Is it just a pass to be more intimate with one another? To demand more of each other?

Is it more comfortable if you just leave things to be and see what happens? No frills. No demands. Just plain old sweetness. You know you are sweet to one another because you choose to and not because it's an obligation. You choose to date just this one person because you really want him and him alone. You want to spend time with the person because you can't stand not being with each other not because you are obliged to or because you are afraid that the person might feel unloved. Will the relationship make you more lax? Isn't a relationship without a commitment more exciting? Does it not keep you on your toes?

Am I just rationalizing?

Am I secretly wanting a commitment from you?

I have to be in the now. I just have to enjoy what I have right now. Life is not complicated, we are just thinking beings who happen to complicate things. Does that make sense?

My Last Three Days...

Friday
I experienced the most horrible course card distribution (not counting the time when a parent came to see me)! I explained to students why they failed for four long hours. I was digging my records and looking at their document and putting up with bratty kids who were bigger than me. I hate course card distributions! They're emotionally, mentally and physically draining. Nothing feels as pardon the term, shitty as looking a student in the eye and telling them that they failed. I should know how they feel because I was a student too. Technically, I still am! :) Thank God I survived that nightmare of a day! I was actually hoping that after that long and horrible day my prince will come. He wanted to but he had a teambuilding to go to and it was to be at Pansol, Laguna. In fairness to him, he called me twice for 15 minutes per call? He really made his presence felt as if to say, don't worry I'm here for you and I was glad he was.

Saturday
He called me up early in the morning to tell me he was back to civilization and really wanting to see me. He wanted to drive straight to my place... but I had somewhere else to go at 9am. I told him we could not see each other that day because he had to go to Bulacan for his grandmother's wake and I was to go to a date with a female friend.

The date went well... I learned a lot.
When you love you don't count, you just do.
You look after the welfare of the other.
Life is not a big waiting room.
It's okay to give.
Life is indeed beautiful.
God gave us a promise and He is keeping it every single day.

My friend and I heard mass but most of the day was spent shopping for a gift for a goddaughter. I enjoyed looking at the little shoes, little toys, little clothes and wished silently I were shopping for my own kid. hehe! :) He called several times to make sure we were getting the right stuff... It was as though he were there because he kept on calling.

Sunday

Finally, we saw each other! I was not even decided yet on what to wear for the Christening of his new goddaugher so I put on a jacket. He was standing outside my door with a big smile on his face. I did not even notice the breakfast he had in his hand. He said you better have breakfast first. He is the sweetest being able to remember my classic breakfast order. He picked out a blouse that I can wear because I asked him to. :)

After the Christening, we went to Greenbelt to hear mass and then saw the movie, The Wedding Date. We had dinner at Bubba Gump's, went home and hung out some more. My mom and my sister were still there so they talked to us for a while and then left. My brother was there but he was busy with something.

Each day spent with this person is just amazing and there are times when I would just silently thank the Lord for sending him to me. Out of so many people the Lord sent him to me. What a gift! I pray that He will bless our friendship because I really like this beautiful person he gifted me with. When I'm with him I know everything's okay. When he smiles at me, I feel a cool breeze of air on my cheeks.

Ice cream with cherry on top!

I am happy to report that he has updated his Friendster account. I am unhappy to say though, that I had to tell him that I was sad the other night because I saw his account and I saw them again. When I close my eyes I see them and I could not take it anymore.

He apologized profusely and said that he was planning for the longest time to take out those pictures. He promised to take them out that night and he did. He called me several times that day to make sure I was no longer sad. It took a while before I got over it as it always takes me but I appreciate the effort of him trying his best to make me laugh and make me unsad. I think we talked for twenty minutes each time he called. He is so very sweet! I don't know what I did in the past but I must have done something right in this life to deserve a sweet guy like him hehe :) okay he's a demo version still. :) I have not seen so many flaws yet... well nothing I cannot live with.

We saw each other last night, he wanted to watch a movie but he was coming from a basketball game and I didn't want him exhausted so we just stayed home and hung out. We had food delivered. I was cleaning up when he grabbed the plates again and said he was going to do the dishes. I was stopping him coz he drove all the way from the south and he just played basketball but there was no stopping this big guy hehe :) He was laughing to see other stuff in the sink. He washed those too.

He said in our conversation that he wanted to still be sweet to his wife even after he gets really old. Isn't that the dream of any girl on the planet? Still be sweet with her partner after her hair turns gray? I wish this guy is really for real!

My ex did some background check and people only had nice things to say about him. I'm not really surprised. To put cherry on top of my already yummy ice cream, my ex texted me last night:

As early as now I have been praying the novena for company keepers intended for the two of you. No joke! when you tell me your stories, I am convinced you're in good hands. You have my support, and I'm here to help and listen. You're a beautiful person and you deserve this peace and happiness. Good night my good friend. ;)
12:43am

Weird to, pero I'm really glad you have *** with you right now. I'm excited about you two ending up together. No joke! I imagine you being happy and contented, and it makes me okay.
12:33am

I am glad he said all these things. It makes everything right.

Falling and Crashing

We are talking again. Shoot me but we are again. It was plain torture for me but I really held on to my word but he caved in. When he did, I could resist no more. I did not want to hurt his feelings. Darn! Some doormat, you must be thinking.

He has e-mailed the girl that we are going out already. Hmm... I don't know how he said it but for now I guess that would do. Cherie says I should not shut him out of my life coz I might miss out on someone great. Cherie has never met this guy but I think she may be right. Why am I forcing us to drift apart just when we are just beginning to build a foundation? He shared the same opinion. He says we can still fix this but not in the way we have agreed upon. We are just hurting each other that way.

I had to agree because I was indeed miserable without him in my life. We started talking last Friday through YM and text.

After my prayer meeting last Friday I was hoping he would invite me but he never did well at least not until I was already at the SLEX. He ran out of battery and had to go to a friend's house to recharge. Fate decided not to let us meet that night.

The following day we were supposed to see each other. I was going to Alabang to go to a general assembly of the outreach committee of my apostolate when I had an accident. My rear tire exploded at SLEX and my car turned (I don't know how many times) and then hit the island. I was lucky to walk out of it unscathed and through the Lord's grace, I did not hit any other vehicle in the process. My car looks... well... you can imagine. I'd rather not describe it, it hurts too much.

I called my mom first. No answer. I called my brother. No answer. I called my mom again. Told her i got myself into an accident. She said she doesn't know exactly where I am but she will be there. I called him. Five times before he answered. He was in another room. He said he was going to come over. They all came.

My heart soared when I saw him. My muscles were shaking from the accident but I was glad he was there. I was glad I finally saw him. He offered to drive my car. He was going to leave his car in the gas station so I would not have to drive. I said no. He just convoyed with us.

My mom thought he was just too sweet.

He called me in between stoplights to check on me and to make me smile. He can be the sweetest guy!

He asked me what I was doing the following day. I told him I was attending a reunion at the Meralco Theater. It was going to be from 5pm to 11pm. He asked how I was going to get there. I told him I was going to commute. He said he doesn't want me commuting. He offered to drive me there. He made it clear though that he was just going to bring me there and pick me up. He waited for 6 long hours for me!!! We finished at 11:30 pm. My heart just melted!

We heard mass from 4:30 to 5:30 pm. He picked me up at around 2:30pm. He is such an amazing person. He did not want to come with us because he wanted me to have fun. He really just waited. I don't know how he pulled through but he did. After waiting, he was still his very cheerful self!

The following day I went to a videoke session with some faculty members. He went with us because I did not have a ride home.

I just hope this is no demo version.

Sometimes I really feel lucky he's in my life. Until I remember that girl from the States. :)

Butterfly

You say you love me. You say you want to court me. Yet the time on your watch isn't in my time zone. I have been had before. Too many times already. I will not give away my heart to someone who will just trample over it.

It's so easy for you to be nice. It's effortless for you to spend the whole day at work. Invite me to eat dinner and watch a movie. Wash my week's worth of dishes. Hangout til the wee hours listening to my ramblings. Sharing your stories. Making me laugh. How do I trust this? Are you for real? Is this some demo version? Is it just a matter of time before your blue screen of death appears?

You say you have not felt what you are feeling for the longest time. That I'm special to you. Yes, I saw you adjust your watch in front of me. Sure. Like that takes care of it. LIke that will push every fear I have in my head away. It haunts me. I tried to look away and ignore it. Believe me I have. But I know if I do, it's only a matter of time that I hate myself.

I am not a doormat.

Are you saying you like me because I am here? Because I am near, convenient and accessible? You can't court us both. You have to choose. If you are not going to choose, I will have to choose for you.

One week. We are not speaking or seeing each other for a week.

I miss you already and it hasn't even been 24 hours yet. I hate that this is happening to me. I hope you get to sort things out for yourself, for me and that other girl.

His last two messages:

It pains me not to be holding you when I know my heart beats and longs for you. It's harder to imagine not talking or seeing you when my mind keeps on thinking about you. Worst of all it's a torture of letting you go when deep down inside, you are really the one I love. But for sure that love will lead me back to you. Yess... I do love you! :)

04/17/05
2:12am

... If we're really meant to be the way we want, fate willl lead us back together no matter what. And of course I want you to be really happy. This is hard. Really hard. But I know we should take it coz in the end there's something more beautifulwe are to receive or experience. I fervently pray it's you whom I'll share it with still. :)

04/07/05
2:01am

I miss you. I know I just have to be strong. I wish you all the best and all the happiness. I am glad our paths have crossed. You are a beautiful person.

He sang this for me

Hey, there's a look in your eyes
Must be love at first sight
You were just part of a dream
Nothing more so it seemed
But my love couldn't wait much longer
Just can't forget the picture of your smile
'Cause everytime I close my eyes you come alive

The closer I get to touching you
The closer I get to loving you
Give it a time, just a little more time
We'll be together

Every little smile, that special smile
The twinkle in your eye, in a little while
Give it a time, just a little more time
So we can get closer, you and I

Then could I love you more
So much stronger than before
Why does it seem like a dream
So much more so it seems

I guess I found my inspiration
With just one smile, you take my breath away
So hold me close and say you'll stay with me now

The closer I get to touching you
The closer I get to loving you
Give it a time, just a little more time
We'll be together

Every little smile, that special smile
The twinkle in your eye, in a little while
Give it a time, just a little more time
So we can get closer, you and I...

Crashing

I have found everything in this one person.

He says he's beginning to fall out from this person from the States.

Beginning?

Yet he spends almost everyday with me?

Beginning to fall out of like or love whatever...

So is this the reason why he invited me to go to his company outing at Pangasinan?
Is this why he's so nice to me?

He treats me like I have always wanted to be treated. Things that I have played in my mind how a person I like would be like he has made into reality.

Save for one. He is not in love with me.

So shoot me if I am still hoping that he would finally like me.

Get a rusty cutter and cut my throat with it because that just might feel so much better than having to wonder when all these amazing moments will end.

I know I told myself I have had too many heartbreaks to even mind going through another one. I guess I just said that. All wounds bleed. All cause pain no matter how many you have had. It still throbs.